The Last of the Red-Hot Vampires

"Me, too," he said with a conspiratorial smile.

"If everyone would take a few moments to write down a couple of questions you would like asked of any spirits who may visit us, that would be very helpful." Bettina passed out small squares of paper and tiny pencils. "Please don't sign your name to the questions. The spirits will know who asked what."

I toyed with my pencil for a moment, debating whether I should pose questions that physicists have yet to answer, but decided it was hardly fair to expect anyone, even supposed spirits, to solve all the mysteries of the universe. I contented myself with asking a few simple questions instead, passing my paper along with everyone else's.

Sarah leaned closer and whispered, "I hope you didn't embarrass me by asking something impossible to answer, like what the meaning of life is, or what Einstein's favorite color was, or what that gnu thing is."

"Gnu?" I whispered back, confused. I'd never had any questions about cattle of any form, let alone exotic ones.

"That theory thing you're always talking about."

I stifled a giggle. "That would be GUT, the grand unification theory, but I've long since moved on to string theory—"

"Excellent," Bettina said, shooting me a glance that indicated she'd love it if I shut up. "For our new friends who haven't been here before, I'll explain what will happen during this séance. First, everyone will place their fingertips upon the edge of the glass. We will clear our minds of the trivialities of everyday life, and focus on creating a welcoming environment for any spirit who wishes to join us."

"Short of baking cookies and laying out a 'Welcome, Spirits' doormat, how are we supposed to do that?" I asked Sarah in a nearly inaudible voice.

"Shh!"

"Once a spirit has indicated that he or she is present, I will begin reading your questions. I ask that you be silent until the spirit has answered the question, at which point you may ask for clarification if needed, or if you have a follow-up. In order to keep the séance to a reasonable length, there will be only one additional question per person."

Well, at least this was going to be fairly short, I thought to myself as I prepared to clear my mind of whatever trivialities were lurking there. "Begone, value of pi to ten decimal points," I murmured softly. "Shoo, velocity of the pion. Take a hike, plum pudding model of the atom."

"Portia!"

I composed my face into one of absolute innocence, and placed two fingertips on the circular walls of the glass. Bettina did a few moments of communing with who knew what, swaying slightly, her eyelids fluttering in a suitably dramatic fashion.

"Spirits, entities, and loved ones who have passed on before us," she intoned, still doing the swaying and fluttering thing. "Heed our plea, and grace us now with your presence."

Milo's arm brushed mine. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. His lips were twitching. I fought hard to keep from grinning at him, and was mostly successful, but Sarah glared at me nonetheless.

"We beseech you who have gone beyond the beyond—"

I bit my lip hard, using the pain to distract me from the need to burst into unseemly laughter.

"—share with us your knowledge and advice." Bettina took a couple of deep breaths, swayed forward, swayed backward, swayed forward again, then sat upright and opened her eyes. "Is there a spirit with us now?"

Beneath my fingers, the glass moved slowly to a tile upon which had been printed the word YES in bright red letters. I wasn't surprised the glass moved, being tolerably familiar with the concepts of autosuggestion and self-delusion, although I had been content to simply rest my fingers on the glass and do no more. No doubt an overeager participant had nudged the glass across the table, possibly quite unaware that he or she was doing so.

"Very good. Let us see what the spirits have to share with us tonight." Mystic Bettina pulled a piece of paper from the stack, and opened it. "Does the velocity of an object in space determine the force of the vacuum through which it travels?"

Everyone looked at me. I cleared my throat and smiled. "It was the only thing I could think of offhand."

Behind my arm, Sarah pinched me.

Bettina gave me a stern look, and pulled another piece of paper from the pile. "I believe we will try a question a little less confusing. Here is one: is my brother James happy—"

"Sorry we're late," a voice interrupted as the door to the séance room was opened. Sarah gave a startled yelp, and jumped in her chair.

Silhouetted in the doorway were two shapes, the voice female. "Bloody badgers, it's dark in here. Tansy, find the switch, will you?"