The Last Hero

Ponder was located in the bunk where he had flopped asleep fully dressed. He was hustled up the ladder half-asleep, but he awoke quickly when he saw the sky.

‘Should it be doing that?’ Ridcully demanded, pointing at the moon.

‘No, sir! It certainly shouldn't!’

‘It's a definite problem, is it?’ said the Chair, hopefully.

‘It certainly is! Where's the omniscope? Has anyone tried to talk to them?’

‘Ah, well, not my field then,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies, backing away. ‘Sorry. Would help if I could. Can see you're busy. Sorry.’

All the dragons must have fired by now. Rincewind felt his eyeballs being pressed into the back of his head.

Leonard was unconscious in the next seat. Carrot was presumably lying in the debris that had been rammed to the other end of the cabin.

By the ominous creaking, and the smell, an orangutan was hanging on to the back of Rincewind's seat.

Oh, and when he managed to turn his head to see out of the window, one of the dragon pods was on fire. It was no wonder – the flame coming from the dragons was almost pure white.

Leonard had mentioned one of these levers… Rincewind stared at them through a red mist. ‘If we have to drop all the dragons,’ Leonard had said, ‘we—’ What? Which lever?

Actually, at a time like this the choice was plain.

Rincewind, his vision blurred, his ears insulted by the sound of a ship in pain, pulled the only one he could reach.

I can't put this in a saga, the minstrel thought. No one will ever believe it. I mean, they just won't ever believeit…

‘Trust me, right?’ said Evil Harry, inspecting the Horde. ‘I mean, yes, obviously I am untrustworthy, point taken, but it's a matter of pride here, you understand? Trust me. This will work. I bet even the gods don't know all the gods, right?’

‘I feel a right twerp with these wings,’ Caleb complained.

‘Mrs McGarry did a very good job on'em, so don't complain,’ snapped Evil Harry. ‘You make a very good God of Love. What kind of love, I wouldn't like to say. And you are…?’

‘God of Fish, Harry,’ said Cohen, who had stuck scales on his skin and made himself a sort of fish-head helmet from one of their late adversaries.

Evil Harry tried to breathe. ‘Good, good, a very old fish god, yes. And you, Truckle, are…?’

‘The God of bloody Swearing,’ said Truckle the Uncivil firmly.

‘Er, that could actually work,’ said the minstrel, as Evil Harry frowned. ‘After all, there are Muses of dance and song, and there's even a Muse of erotic poetry—’

‘Oh, I can do that,’ said Truckle dismissively. ‘“There was a young lady from Quirm, Whose grip was—”’

‘All right, all right. And you, Hamish?’

‘God o' Stuff,’ said Hamish.

‘What stuff?’

Hamish shrugged. He hadn't survived all this time by being unnecessarily imaginative.

‘Just… things, y'ken,’ he said. ‘Lost things, mebbe. Things lyin' aroound?’

The Silver Horde turned to the minstrel, who nodded after some thought.

‘Could work,’ he said, at last.

Evil Harry moved on to Boy Willie.

‘Willie, why have you got a tomato on your head and a carrot in your ear?’

Boy Willie grinned proudly. ‘You'll love this one,’ he said. ‘God of Bein' Sick.’

‘It's been done,’ said the minstrel, before Evil Harry could reply. ‘Vometia. Goddess in Ankh-Morpork, thousands of years ago. “To give an offering to Vometia” meant to—’

‘So you'd better think of something else,’ growled Cohen.

‘Oh? And what are you going to be, Harry?’ said Willie.

‘Me? Er… I'm going to be a Dark God,’ said Evil Harry. ‘There's a lot of them around—’

‘Here, you never said we could be demonic,’ said Caleb. ‘If we can be demonic, I'm blowed if I'm gonna be a stupid cupid.’

‘But if I'd said we could be demons you'd all have wanted to be demons,’ Harry pointed out. ‘An' we'd have been arguing for hours. Besides, the other gods're goin' to smell a rat if a whole bunch of dark gods turn up all at once.’

‘Mrs McGarry hasn't done a thing,’ said Truckle.

‘Well, I thought if I could borrow Evil Harry's helmet I could slip in as a Valkyrie maiden,’ said Vena.

‘Good sensible thinkin',’ said Evil Harry. ‘There's bound to be a few of them around.’

‘And Harry won't need it because in a minute he's going to make an excuse about his leg or his back or something and how he can't come in with us,’ said Cohen, in a conversational voice. ‘On account of him havin' betrayed us. Right, Harry?’

The game was getting more exciting. Most of the gods were watching now. Gods enjoy a good laugh, although it has to be said that their sense of humour is not subtle.

Blind Io, the elderly chief of the gods, said, ‘I suppose there is no harm they can do us?’

‘No,’ said Fate, passing the dice box. ‘If they were very intelligent, they would not be heroes.’

There was the rattle of a die, and one flew across the board and then began to spin in the air, tumbling faster and faster. Finally it vanished in a puff of ivory.

‘Someone has thrown uncertainty,’ said Fate. He looked along the table. ‘Ah… my Lady…’