The Last Continent

'Don't anyone say anything!' shouted Rincewind. 'I'm feeling a lot better, all right? Just... all right, all right?' He straightened his ragged robe and adjusted his hat. 'Now, if you could just set me on the right road to Bugarup, I will not trespass further on your time. You may keep Snowy. He can bed down on a ceiling somewhere.'

'Oh, no, mister,' said Remorse. He reached into a shirt pocket, pulled out a bundle of notes and licked his thumb to count off twenty. 'I always pays me debts. You want to stay with us a while first? We could use another rider and it's tough going on the road by yourself. There's bush rangers about.'

Rincewind rubbed his head again. Now that his various bodily organs had wobbled their way back into their approximate positions he could get back to general low-key generalized dread.

They won't have to worry about me,' he mumbled. 'I promise not to light fires or feed the animals. Well, I say promise - most of the time they're trying to feed off me.'

Remorse shrugged.

'Just so long as there's no more of those damn dropping bears,' said Rincewind.

The men laughed.

'Drop-bears? Who's been feedin' you a line about drop-bears?'

'What do you mean?'

'There's no such thing as drop-bears! Someone must've seen you coming, mate!'

'Huh? They've got... they went,' Rincewind waved his arm, 'boing... all over the place... great big teeth...'

'I reckon he madder'n Morgan's mule, mate!' said Clancy.

The group went silent.

'How mad is that, then?' said Rincewind.

Clancy leaned on his saddle and looked nervously at the other men. He licked his lips. 'Well, it's...'

'Yes?'

'Well, it's... it's...' His face twisted up. 'It's...'

'Ver'...?' Rincewind hinted.

'Ver'...' Clancy mumbled, clutching the syllable like a lifeline.

'Hmm?'

'Ver... ry...'

'Keep going, keep going...'

'Ver... ry... mad?' said Clancy.

'Well done! See? So much easier,' said Rincewind. 'Someone mentioned something about food?'

Remorse nodded to one of the men, who handed Rincewind a sack.

'There's beer and veggies and stuff and, 'cos you're a good sport, we're giving you a tin of jam, too.'

'Gooseberry?'

'Yep.'

'And I'm wondering about your hat,' said Remorse. 'Why's there all corks round it?'

'Knocks the flies out,' said Rincewind.

'That works, does it?'

'Course not,' said Clancy. 'If'n it does, some-one'd have thought of it by now.'

'Yes. Me,' said Rincewind. 'No worries.'

'Makes you look a bit of a drongo, mate,' said Clancy.

'Oh, good,' said Rincewind. 'Which way's Bugarup?'

'Just turn left at the bottom of the canyon, mate.'

'That's all?'

'You can ask again when you meet the bush rangers.'

'They've got some sort of cabin or station, have they?'

'They've... Well, just remember they'll find you if you get lost.'

'Really? Oh, well, I suppose that's part of their job. Good day to you.'

'G'day.'

'No worries.'

The men watched Rincewind until he was out of sight.

'Didn't seem very bothered, did he?'

'He's a bit gujeroo, if you ask me.'

'Clancy?'

'Yes, boss?'

'You made that one up, didn't you...?'

'Well...'

'You bloody did, Clancy.'

Clancy looked embarrassed, but then rallied.

'All right, then,' he said hotly. 'What about that one you used yesterday, "as busy as a one-armed carpenter in Smackaroo"?'

'What about it?'

'I looked it up in the atlas and there's no such place, boss.'

'There damn well is!'

There isn't. Anyway, no one'd employ a one-armed carpenter, would they? So he wouldn't be busy, would he?'

'Listen, Clancy—'

'He'd go fishing or something, wouldn't he?'

'Clancy, we're supposed to be carving a new language out of the wilderness here—'

'Probably'd need someone to help him bait the line, but—'

'Clancy, will you shut up and go and get the horses?'

It took twenty minutes to roll enough of the rocks away, and five minutes after that Clancy reported back.

'Can't find the little bastard, boss. And we looked underneath all the others.'

'It couldn't have got past us!'

'Yes it could, boss. You saw it goin' up those cliffs. Probably miles away by now. You want I should go after that bloke?'

Remorse thought about it, and spat. 'No, we got the colt back. That's worth the money.' He stared reflectively down the canyon.

'You all right, boss?'

'Clancy, after we get back to the station, go on into town and call in at the Pastoral Hotel and bring back as many corks as they've got, willya?' Think it'll work, boss? He was as weird as...'

Clancy was pulled up by the look in his boss's eye.

'He was pretty weird,' he said. 'Weird, yeah. But smart, too. No flies on him.' Behind them, ifi the jumble of rocks and bushes at the end of the canyon, a drawing of a small horse became a drawing of a kangaroo and then faded into the stone.

The worst thing about losing your temper with Mustrum Ridcully was that he never noticed when you did.