The Last Continent

'Anyone could have done it,' said the Senior Wrangler. 'I could hardly read the lettering myself.'

'And, taking the broad view, it's certainly better to be stuck out here in the fresh air and sunshine than in that stuffy study,' Ridcully went on.

'That's quite a broad view, sir,' said Ponder doubtfully.

'And we'll be back home in two shakes of a lamb's tail,' said Ridcully, beaming.

'Unfortunately, this doesn't look a very agricultural sort of—' Ponder began.

'Figure of speech, Mister Stibbons, figure of speech.'

The sun's going down, sir,' Ponder persisted. 'Which means it'll be night time soon.'

Ridcully looked nervously at Mrs Whitlow, and then at the sun.

'Is there a problem?' said Mrs Whitlow.

'Oh, good heavens, no!' said Ridcully hastily.

'Ai notice the little hole in the wall doesn't seem to have come back,' said Mrs Whitlow.

'We, er—'

'It's a little prank, is it?' the housekeeper went on. 'Ai'm sure you gentlemen will have your fun, and no mistake.'

'Yes, that's—'

'But Ai should be grateful if you would send me back now, Archchancellor. We're doing the laundry this afternoon, and Ai'm afraid we're having a lot of trouble with the Dean's sheets.'

The Dean suddenly knew how a mosquito feels in the beam of a searchlight.

'We'll sort this out directly, never fear, Mrs Whitlow,' said Ridcully, not taking his eyes off the wretched Dean. 'In the meantime, why don't you take a seat and enjoy the rather wonderful sheets, I mean sunshine?'

There was a clack as the deckchair folded itself up. Then it sneezed.

'Ah, back with us again, Librarian,' Ridcully went on, as the orang-utan sprawled in the sand. 'Help him up, please, Mister Stibbons. A word to the rest of you, please. If you'll excuse us a moment, Mrs Whitlow? Faculty meeting...'

The wizards went into a huddle.

'It was tomato sauce, all right?' said the Dean hurriedly. 'I just happened to be having a snack in bed and you know how that stuff stains!'

'I'm sure we're not at all interested in the state of your sheets, Dean,' said Ridcully.

'No, indeed,' said the Senior Wrangler brightly.

'Not us,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, slapping the Dean on the back.

'We have to get back,' said Ridcully. 'We can't spend the night alone with Mrs Whitlow. It wouldn't be decent.'

'I don't see why anyone should make a fuss about a bit of tomato sauce. I at least cleaned all the beans off—'

'Well, we're not actually alone, are we? Not as such,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. 'I mean, there's seven of us, not including the Librarian.'

'Yes, but we're all alone together,' said Ridcully urgently. 'There could be Talk.'

'What about?' said the Chair of Indefinite Studies, who sometimes lagged behind.

'You know,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. 'Seven men and one woman... It doesn't bear thinking about...'

'Well, I for one will certainly veto any suggestion about ordering another six women,' said the Chair firmly.

'Perhaps the hole will open again?' said the Senior Wrangler.

'I doubt it,' said Ridcully. 'Ponder says that our coming through probably altered the thaumo-static balance. What do you think, Dean?'

'Just tomato sauce,' said the Dean. 'It could have happened to anyone.'

'I meant about our being marooned on this island,' said Ridcully. 'Any ideas, anyone? We must tackle this as a team.'

'What shall we tell Mrs Whitlow?' whispered the Senior Wrangler. 'She thinks this is a prank.'

'Senior Wrangler, we are elderly, wise and experienced wizards,' said Ridcully. 'Students are prankers.'

'Pranksters, possibly,' mumbled Ponder Stibbons.

'Whatever. We do not indulge in pranks.'

'With us it's a fully fledged gold-embossed cock-up or nothing,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

'I don't see why people are making such a fuss about a bit of tomato sauce that hardly even shows up,' muttered the Dean.

'No one brought any suitable spells?' said Ridcully.

'At four in the morning? For the beach?' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. 'Of course not.'

Then we shall have to fall back on our own resources. There's bound to be a ship along sooner or later. The point is, gentlemen,' he added, 'that we are the product of a university education. I'm quite sure primitive people have no difficulties surviving in a place like this, and think of all the things we have that our rude forefathers lacked.'

'Mrs Whitlow, for a start,' said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.

'She wouldn't put up with rudeness of any sort,' the Senior Wrangler agreed.

'Do you know anything about boats, Dean? I believe you got a Brown for rowing when you were slimmer,' said Ridcully. 'Please note that this question did not raise the matter of sheets in any way.'

'Well, indeed, boat-building is not a difficult task,' said the Dean, surfacing. 'Even primitive people can build boats, and we are civilized men, after all.'