The Higher Power of Lucky

“Next day I wake up on the ground, sand in my mouth, and it feels like death. I mean, it’s like I died, man, but at the same time, like I’m too sick and ashamed to be dead. There’s a mangled rattlesnake under the car, there’s blood, lots of blood—I don’t even know if it’s my blood or Roy’s or the snake’s. Roy’s gone. I call him—nothing. I figure maybe after saving my stupid life he went off to die alone somewhere. It’s probably like a hundred degrees in the shade, man, about as hot as it is now, but I’m so cold I can’t stop shivering.”

Lucky’s hands smelled metallic, like the thin arms of the lawn chair; they felt sticky. She pushed her hat back from her forehead; air cooled the sweat there.

“I make this deal with myself,” Sammy continued. “The deal is if Roy is okay I’ll quit drinking, join AA, get clean.”

Lucky edged her bare leg away from a rough, poking strand of chair webbing. Each time Short Sammy came to this part in his story, Lucky thought of what kind of deal she would make with herself if she hit rock bottom. Like, let’s say she didn’t know if her dog, HMS Beagle, was alive or dead; she would have to do something really hard and drastic as her end of the bargain. Or, let’s say that her Guardian just gave up and quit because Lucky did something terrible. The difference between a Guardian and an actual mom is that a mom can’t resign. A mom has the job for life. But a Guardian like Brigitte could probably just say, “Well, that’s about it for this job. I’m going back to France now. Au revoir.” There poor Lucky would be, standing alone in the kitchen trailer, at rock bottom. Then she would have to search for her own Higher Power and do a fearless and searching moral inventory of herself, just like Short Sammy and all the other anonymous people had had to do.

Short Sammy went on, “Then my wife drives up. Man, I didn’t even know she’d gone. I’m still kind of laying there on the ground. She gets out of her car, but she doesn’t say one word about how messed up I am.

“All she says is, ‘I took Roy to the vet’s in Sierra City.’ She’s talking real calm, almost like she’s not mad or anything. She says, ‘Fifty miles from here, and I drove it in, like, maybe half an hour. That was the worst drive of my life, Sammy, thanks to you. But Roy’s okay because I got him there in time for the antivenom to work.’

“Then she goes into the house and comes out with her suitcases that she must have packed the night before, and Roy’s food dish and water bowl. That killed me, her taking his food dish and water bowl. All she says to me is, ‘Don’t call me.’ That, man, was rock bottom. So I threw down the shovel. And here I am.”

There was clapping, and Lucky knew that pretty soon they would pass a hat around for people to put money in. It was a little disappointing that today nobody had explained how exactly they had found their Higher Power, which was what Lucky was mainly interested in finding out about.

She didn’t get why finding it was so hard. The anonymous people often talked about getting control of their lives through their Higher Power. Being ten and a half, Lucky felt like she had no control over her life—partly because she wasn’t grown up yet—but that if she found her Higher Power it would guide her in the right direction.

Chairs scraped as everyone stood up. Now they would all say a little prayer together, which Lucky liked because there was no church or synagogue or anything in Hard Pan, California, so the Found Object Wind Chime Museum and Visitor Center was the closest they got to one. That meant the end of the meeting and time for her to disappear quick. She’d finished her job of clearing trash from the patio in front—smashed beer cans and candy wrappers from yesterday’s Gamblers Anonymous meeting. It wasn’t likely that anyone would be coming back to the Dumpster behind the museum, but someone might. She had to hurry, but she had to hurry slowly, in order not to make a sound.