The Heavenly Host

“You ain’t ever waking up, bud!” Tizzy snorted. “This is, was and always will be. Alpha, omega, beta and zeta. Done deal, no going back. You’ve been given the gift of eternal damnation! Live it up!” Tizzy stuck his pipe back in his mouth and started puffing heavily. He seemed very upset for some reason.

“What’s his dysfunction?” the incubus asked.

Tom shook his head. “We don’t have enough time to go into that. We’re only immortal.”

The incubus shook his head again. “This is one crazy fucking trip!”

“Okay, just tell us your story and then we’ll explain what’s going on,” Tom told the demon.

“Shit, man, I just wanted to take a break from the hell of the last few weeks. I have been up shit creek with lawyers and police and all sorts of crazy crap. I finally got the DA off my back and not pressing charges. So while my parents went out to dinner, I headed up to my room and decided to relieve some tension.”

“Relieve some tension?” Tom asked.

“Yeah, you know.” He gestured to his privates. Tom grimaced and nodded. The guy had been going to jack off. The incubus shrugged. “Anyway, when I got into my secret stash box for my porn SD card, I found I still had one of those damn joints that had started this whole shit storm. So I decided, what the hell. I lit up, got mellow and started having some fun downtown.”

Tom shook his head and rubbed his eyebrows. He was pretty sure where this was going.

The incubus continued, “Well, the next thing you know I’m riding these incredible waves of pleasure, more intense than any previous session with pot or with myself. I sort of lose track of things and then there’s this big-ass sista with a huge set of badongas calling me to come make love to her.”

Okay, Tom thought, this wasn’t quite what he had been expecting.

“So I came over, and it was like a dream, you know, all clouds and funky colored lights and such, and anyway we started, you know, getting it on.” The incubus had started fondling itself again.

Tom coughed and it stopped.

“Yeah, sorry. Well anyway, I like, well, entered her and then the next thing you know there’s this searing pain and she’s shouting this crazy shit at the top of her lungs. I thought she was calling for the cops or about to go all voodoo on me or some shit, and then the next thing I know there’s this incredible, monstrous, all-consuming agony.” The incubus shuddered remembering it. “And this creepy blackish-red dude with wings and four arms sort of jumps me or... I don’t know, it was weird.”

The incubus stood up and started pacing. “Anyway, all I know is I’m lying in some strange-ass bed with all sorts of candles surrounding it and these weird glowing symbols on the floor and on the sheets. She hops out of bed to the other side of these symbols and starts shouting crazy stuff like: ‘You are mine Reginaldjacksonaustinkincaid!’ I bind you by you true name!”

Tom stopped listening when the incubus said its true name. He could not believe it! What a fucking coincidence! What sweet, sweet justice!

“And then” — the demon had kept going, not noticing Tom’s expression — “I’m here on this crazy mountain and like I am the freaky four-armed blackish-red guy.”

“Reggie, you jackass, I’m going to kick your butt into the next plane!” Tom launched himself at Reggie, tackled him and started hitting him as fast as he could.

“Ow... Ow... What the fuck man... What the fuck, that hurts! Stop it...” The demon was crying.

Tom stopped, realizing what he was doing; the smaller demon did not have a chance. Tom shook his head and stood up, getting off Reggie.

“I’m sorry, I’ve just been so pissed at you that I couldn’t help myself.” Tom reached down to help pull Reggie up.

“What the fuck, man? I just met you.” The incubus wiped tears from its eyes. Apparently, incubi could cry. Tom felt like crap suddenly. What an asshole he was being. None of this was really Reggie’s fault, and now he was stuck just like Tom.

Tom leaned in and gave Reggie a big hug. “I’m sorry man, it wasn’t cool of me. I was just so angry at you and then you show up, and I sort of went postal.”

Reggie struggled to get free. Tom quickly released him as he suddenly realized that the incubus had been extremely aroused by his hug. Tom stepped back and Reggie, realizing he was at full mast, tried to shield himself with his four hands. He was staring at Tom as if Tom was insane.

“Reggie. It’s me, Tom, Tom Perkinje.” He waved at Reggie.

Reggie blinked. “Tom?”

“Yeah!”

“Tom who I gave the joint to and then he went and died on me?”

“That’s me!”

Reggie’s eyes rolled back and he crumpled to the ground in shock.

Tizzy started coughing. Coughing and laughing and clutching his guts with all four arms, rocking back and forth. “That’s gotta be the greatest reunion scene of all time!” Tizzy was laughing and somehow wiping tears from his eyes — tears of blood, it appeared, but tears still. “See, I told you! I knew you’d want to come with me!”

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