The Golden State

We reach the outskirts of the town where the clinic is and it’s so small we find the place right away and I park and get Honey out who is almost almost almost asleep, probably stupefied from the carbon monoxide of the cigarette, and I open the front door to the low-lying clinic which reads Emergency along its top and I ask the gal at the front desk for the older lady who just came in and she says “Oh okay, yeah they have a couple questions” and gestures toward a towheaded policeman sitting legs spread against the wall of the clinic and he stands while she calls behind her “Dooooooc.” “I’m Officer Bentley,” he says and I say “I’m Daphne Nilsen,” isn’t it strange, I’m a Nilsen not a Burdock not a Mehmetoğlu and extend a hand while holding Honey and he says “Can you tell me what your relationship was to the woman who got brung in?” and I say “I actually hardly know her,” feeling a small stab of disloyalty. “I met her in Altavista where I’ve been staying at my grandparents’ house. She was passing through and she asked for some help getting to Camp Cooville. Her husband used to be stationed out here and she wanted to visit. So, uh, I drove her out and when we got there today she asked me to give her some time alone and this was before it was raining” and I can feel myself speaking too fast and try to slow it down and I’m also starting to cry and I say “I’m sorry” and compose myself and Honey whines and I say “While I was trying to get back to her I ran into this State of Jefferson blockade thing—I have the piece of paper in my car—they were giving out some kind of Declaration of Independence” and I pray he will know what I’m talking about and not think I’m insane and his face, previously impassive, almost imperceptibly nods and I say “Yeah, so I had to turn around and was late getting back to her but only by about forty-five minutes, I also stopped at the hotel to tell them to call you all, that’s the Safari Motor Inn, and when I got there I found her on the ground in the trees.” While I’m talking a good-looking thirty-something brown-skinned man in blue scrubs comes out and is standing at a little remove, clearly listening to my account, and I turn to face him and he gives a very very subdued smile and says “I’m Dr. Bakhtiyar” and extends a hand and my insane brain thinks Bakhtiyar, from Persian: lucky, fortunate and I say “What happened to Alice?” and he says “Are you a relative?” “No,” I say. “I was giving her a ride. I have their phone number though.” I take my phone out of my pocket and pull up the call from yesterday and hand it to him. “What’s going on?” I say helplessly and he says “Just a moment” and writes down the number and says “I’ll be back shortly” and disappears into the back of the clinic with his slip of paper. I hug Honey and kiss the top of her head and exchange a small smile with the receptionist and realize I must look like hell, my clothes plastered to me, my knees and shoes covered in mud. Honey is in much better shape but I feel her shivering in my arms and I say “I’m going to get her some clothes from the car” and run out to find her spare pants which I had thank god packed in the diaper bag. When I get back in the clinic with her dry things Dr. Bakhtiyar is back in the waiting room holding a phone and says “They’d like to speak with you” and I take the phone and say “Hello” and Yarrow is on the line crying and manages to get out “Well, she’s gone,” and while this is half what I’d expected I still can’t really believe it’s true, and I just say “I’m really sorry” and she cries and then a man’s voice which I presume is Mark is now on the phone and says “Can you please tell us what happened” and I don’t actually believe that it has happened, and I try to think of how to explain it all, Cindy and the blockade and the Proclamation of Independence, and I just say “She asked to be left alone at the camp and when I came back for her she was gone” and again I say “I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to leave her alone but she really insisted” and Honey strains to get down and I put her on the floor and she falls down and cries and Mark says “We’re trying to figure out how one of us can get out there if you can manage to stay put until we arrive” and his tone is bitter and I have to just accept that, of course he’s going to be furious and I say “Of course” and he says “Yarrow and I will talk and call you back at the number you called on yesterday” and I say “Okay” and give Dr. Bakhtiyar back the phone and then I gather Honey and sit down on one of the plastic clinic chairs and bawl my eyes out while Officer Benson or Bentley or whatever it was stands awkwardly next to me, his police bells and whistles creaking.

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