The Constant Rabbit

From their conversation, none of the press seemed unduly concerned over the Rehoming. ‘Not before time’ was a comment I heard, and a well-known TV anchorwoman two rows up referred to it as ‘the best thing for them’. As we drove along, I could see that the main road to Rhayader had been greatly improved in terms of access, all paid for by the Rehoming Commission – there were several billboards proclaiming such – and on the opposite bank of the River Wye I could see where the railway tracks had been relaid, again at huge expense, to facilitate the transportation of the rabbit.

We drove into town, turned left, crossed the bridge and then parked up. I surrendered my mobile phone, stepped from the coach and had my first view of the MegaWarren complex.

It was, firstly, huge. The main gates were set into a brick-built gatehouse of baroque design, and from both sides of this central tower a wall at least thirty feet high stretched off to left and right, changing to a double-layer fence after about 250 yards. We were parked at the railway terminus, which had one long platform and a siding; built around it were office blocks, presumably for Compliance staff.

We obediently followed Pandora Pandora to the main entrance, the access road lined by raised borders which had been recently planted with bedding plants. It all looked extremely twee and friendly – the sort of thing the Spick & Span judges might go for.

We continued on to the main gateway, had the barcode on our passes scanned and moved into a large open area surrounded by smaller admin buildings, the higher doorways indicating they were designed for rabbits. I could see four large factory units behind this emblazoned with the RabToil logo, at least an acre of greenhouses, a Lago meeting house and what looked like a funfair beyond.

Dotted around were dedicated MegaWarren security officers, who all seemed to be keeping a careful eye on us. I was aware of an altercation behind me so turned to see several of the security staff talking to Harvey at the entrance. One was looking at his ID and a second was talking on his radio. I stopped in my tracks, took a deep breath and walked back towards the main gate.

‘Problems?’ I asked. The two officers looked at me suspiciously, then grunted. Harvey/Lugless was staring at them, presumably awaiting whatever the situation might bring.

‘We need secondary identification for non-humans,’ said the first, ‘Mr Ffoxe told me personally we were to triple check for infiltrators.’

‘Isn’t the lack of ears something of a giveaway?’ I said.

‘Mr AY-002 filled out his birthdate wrongly on the security confirmation form,’ said the second, ‘and the secure link to the Spotting server is down.’

‘I got my birthday right,’ said Harvey/Lugless in a sniffy tone, ‘it’s your records that are wrong.’

‘Regulations,’ said the second officer, who seemed more bored than officious.

‘I’m a Spotter from RabCoT in Hereford,’ I said in a low voice. ‘Just don’t yell it out. Lugless here works out of our office.’

‘That’s good,’ said the second officer, who then made a phone call to check out my credentials, and once this was done he let us both in.

‘Thanks for that,’ said Harvey once we were out of earshot. ‘Our faith in you was justified.’

And we parted, Harvey walking off towards one of the factory units, and me to where everyone was congregated around Mr Ffoxe, Pandora Pandora and, in an unexpected personal appearance, Prime Minister Nigel Smethwick himself.

I entered the back of the crowd, where Pandora Pandora was giving an address.

‘… the building you saw outside is the centralised head office of the Rabbit Compliance Taskforce, and will be featuring impressive IT capabilities to safely administer to the million or so guests we are expecting, and to ensure that legal off-colony movement is both efficient and easily enforced. I would also like to point out that the presence of the Taskforce will bring much-needed jobs to the area, and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future, one of the many ways in which the presence of MegaWarren is benefitting the local community.’

She went on to talk about how the 800-million-pound project was completed in under two years, thanked the Welsh government for their support, and especially the two hundred or so residents who were relocated to make way for the facility. She then handed over to Nigel Smethwick, who had been eager to receive the microphone for some time. He started off by saying what a pleasure it was to see so many journalists and dedicated Taskforce professionals, and how MegaWarren would offer something that all the residents of the United Kingdom wanted: a safe place for rabbits from which they could use their many skills to usefully contribute to the UK’s economy. He talked about himself and his achievements quite a lot, and eventually said that we could go wherever we wanted. He then asked, somewhat reluctantly, whether there were any questions.

‘When do the rabbit arrive?’ asked a journalist at the back.