The Constant Rabbit

‘None,’ I said, hoping Lugless would say that he had put the name up, but knowing he wouldn’t.

Smethwick stared at me for a moment then turned to Pandora Pandora.

‘Can you think of a suitable term that I could use to describe Knox?’ he asked.

‘How about “a low-grade moron”?’

Smethwick snapped his fingers and smiled.

‘Spot on. You’re a complete moron, Knox. I don’t give a tuppenny shit about rabbits who think they can manipulate the liberal media into making us look like a bunch of reactionaries, especially with the Rehoming in the air, but we need public support, Knox, and after all the careful PR work we’ve done over the past two years, arresting Fenton is just beyond stupid. How many prominent rabbits did we not arrest that we wanted to arrest, Pandora? Ones we let go so as not to rock the boat ahead of MegaWarren?’

‘Probably hundreds,’ said Pandora Pandora while gazing at me with a special level of deep loathing.

‘Exactly. Hundreds. What in hell’s name did you think you were doing?’

‘I … don’t know.’

‘You don’t know? You put the Rehoming in jeopardy and that’s the best you can do? Well, you’re finished. Fired for gross incompetence, which we can bump up to criminal negligence and contravention of Taskforce guidelines – which means we can save a bit of cash on pensions, too. Hell’s teeth, am I surrounded by idiots? Now—’

‘One moment, sir.’

It was Mr Ffoxe. He had moved to my side with lightning speed and laid a paw on my shoulder. It couldn’t possibly be friendly consideration for a subordinate, so he clearly had a play to make.

‘Yes?’ said Smethwick, suddenly interested.

‘I think this could work to our advantage, Prime Minister. I say we leave the bunnies for twenty-four hours, then tell everyone there has been a terrible mistake for which we are hugely sorry, then act contrite and pretend we have fired half a dozen people for incompetence. The rabbits, hoping to gain a PR victory out of this, will have the rug pulled from under their hind paws. The riot will be seen as a knee-jerk reaction as befits a creature that wastes no time in milking outrage by resorting to the aggressive spectre of civil disobedience. I’ll even lead the apologies, which should be worth a few column inches, especially if I can squeeze out a tear.’

Smethwick stared at him for a moment, wondering whether this was a good idea.

‘I’m with the fox,’ said Pandora Pandora. ‘A climbdown now makes us look small, sitting it out makes us look weak, attempting to break it up makes us seem like bullies – but an apology in twenty-four hours will appear magnanimous and even-handed.’

‘Sounds like a good plan,’ said Smethwick at last. ‘Without knowing it, Knox might have done us a favour. That’s what we’ll do. Twenty-four hours.’

‘So … I’m not fired?’ I asked.

‘Far from it, old chap,’ said Smethwick, ‘you could be in for a citation. Just be a little more certain in future, hmm?’

And he clapped his hand on my back. The meeting might have adjourned there and then but for a voice.

‘I need a word.’

It was the representative of RabToil, and he was holding a mobile phone to his ear.

‘No, I think we’re done here,’ said Smethwick, eager not to prolong the decision-making process any more than he had to, and eager to get back to schmoozing his constituents.

‘The CEO of RabToil wants you to halt the demonstration right now.’

I saw Smethwick blanch, and he swapped looks with Mr Ffoxe and Pandora Pandora.

‘He does?’

‘Yes. The potential loss of rabbit work-hours would not be conducive to productivity as there is a large order for electric foot spas that we need to fulfil. We currently have thirty thousand rabbits on our workforce at Colony One, and a riot will likely reduce that by seventy-five per cent.’

He paused to let this sink in.

‘Do what you need to do by all means, but causing unnecessary distress to our manufacturing clients solely because RabCoT don’t know what to do with a few recalcitrant bunnies might cause … nervousness amongst foreign investors eager to bring their manufacturing projects to the UK.’

Mr Ffoxe stared at the ground, and Smethwick looked at Pandora Pandora for support.

‘We’ll need to hear that from the CEO himself,’ she said.

‘Sure,’ said the rep, ‘he’s on the phone right now.’

He held up the receiver, but no one took the call. Despite Smethwick’s power and agenda, when it came to the bottom line, RabToil – and in effect, big business – called the shots. Commerce was everything.

‘Do it,’ said Smethwick, ‘let them all out immediately and issue a press release explaining that the rabbits in question were arrested owing to a … regrettable and wholly avoidable administrative error.’

‘Shall I add the empty platitude “lessons have been learned”?’ asked Pandora Pandora. ‘And: “we can do better and will do better”? Those lies always play well when the tech companies use them.’

‘Sounds good to me,’ said Smethwick. ‘You could also put in something about how we are “reviewing procedures” – that’s another massive porker that always goes down well.’