The Constant Rabbit

‘Not real death any more, agreed,’ said Doc, ‘but enacted unrelentingly in the movies and on the TV, it’s got to be sending mixed messages, eh? Death brings only bereavement and loss, and killing is only ever an option if it is the last possible resort.’

‘Often it is,’ I said, inexplicably defending my own.

‘If you really believe that is the case,’ said Connie, ‘then I think your species’ somewhat strained relationship with the beneficial powers of compromise and reconciliation could also do with a reappraisal.’

‘Yes,’ I said after a pause, ‘I think that’s quite a valid point.’

‘Humans talk a great deal,’ said Doc, ‘and seemingly understand how they should behave – but rarely do. All that chat without positive action is nothing but hot air. It’s a mystery to me how you managed to get this far without imploding. Well, pip pip!’

I moved to go. Given Mr Ffoxe’s directive I’d not broached the subject of the ‘shoving off’ fund, and didn’t quite know how to tell the Malletts that I hadn’t. But as it turned out, we did talk about the fund – I just wasn’t the one to raise it.

‘How much are they offering us to leave?’ asked Connie once I’d taken a few paces from their front door. I stopped and turned back.

‘It was suggested I should start the negotiations at seven grand,’ I said after a pause, feeling emboldened by my own honesty, ‘but I think they’d easily go to twenty and perhaps more. How did you know there was a fund?’

‘There’s always a fund,’ said Doc.

‘Can I be honest with you?’ I asked.

‘We ask for nothing else.’

‘Most of the villagers are not desperately leporiphobic, just ignorant and easily led. It’s the Malletts you have to watch out for. They’ve already talked about getting 2LG involved.’

Connie and Doc looked at one another. I got the feeling that anyone who tried to put Doc head first into a forty-gallon drum of gravy would have a serious fight on their hands.

‘Once you start running you never stop,’ said Connie in a low voice. ‘Spread the word: we’ll be friends with whoever wants to be friends, and trouble to whoever wants to be trouble. And believe me, we can be trouble.’

I looked at Doc, who raised himself up to his full height. Even if I was eight inches taller, a lot fitter, twenty years younger and, most importantly, brave, I’d still think twice about tackling him.

‘OK,’ I said, the threatening tone seemingly at odds with the rabbit’s generally peaceful demeanour. ‘I’ll make sure the message gets across.’

‘Good man,’ said Doc, suddenly amiable once more. ‘Drop around any time – always an open door.’

Connie gave me a wave, and the door closed behind them. I walked back to my house, thinking deeply about the evening’s events. Of duels, meadowfield stew, the massive differences between our cultures and being totally thrashed at Scrabble when I thought I was a good player. But most of all, I was thinking about that second hug from Connie.

Labstock Bunshot

Only Wildstock carried the surname Rabbit. The laboratory rabbit designated MNU-683 was being used to test the effect of cosmetics on skin when the Event occurred, and the following morning politely asked the life sciences technicians: ‘I say, would you mind toning that down a bit?’ She was released the following week, but her descendants retained her alphanumerical surname as a sign of respect.

When I came down the following morning, my head felt as though it had nine hyperactive hedgehogs inside, all doing a poorly coordinated line dance. Despite this, I could see a beautiful relationship developing between myself and the mind-altering charms of dandelion brandy. Pippa was already up and dressed, making breakfast.

‘How was the Welsh-Thai fusion restaurant?’ I asked.

‘The Welsh rarebit lemongrass was intriguing but not much else,’ she answered, passing me a cup of coffee, ‘although the cockles and lava bread Mumbles-style noodles more than made up for it. More importantly, how was your evening with the Rabbits?’

‘A bit strange. I wasn’t quite sure if I was a friend, or a messenger, or perhaps a bit of both. Either way, they seemed pleasant enough – all in all, hugely enjoyable.’

‘How did they take to you offering them money to leave?’

‘That would have been … impolite after their good company. As it turned out, they were the ones who broached the subject.’

‘And?’

‘I don’t think they’re leaving.’

‘That’ll make the fur fly in the village.’

‘Not literally, I hope,’ I said, getting the Shreddies out of the cupboard. ‘Oh, and Connie asked if you’d like to go on a shopping trip with Bobby Rabbit.’

She stared at me, open-mouthed.

‘You set me up on a date with their son? Why would you do such a thing?’

‘No, no, Bobby is their daughter – Roberta, you know, like in The Railway Children?’

‘The one played by Sally Thomsett?’

‘No, the other one. Look, they’re new in the neighbourhood. They need friends.’

‘What if someone sees me?’

‘What if they do? Have you got an issue with rabbits?’