The Constant Rabbit

The many references to The Court Jester are in deep homage to an iconic movie, but it should be noted that the duelling pistol ditties are an adaptation of Martha Raye and Bob Hope in ‘Never Say Die’, itself a precursor to the ‘Pellet with the poison’ routine. I also borrowed a line from a Spike Milligan short story and a Mel Brooks film – two titans of comedy whom I hope will forgive me.

Rabbit information was supplied via Wikipedia and Lockley’s excellent Private Life of the Rabbit. My apologies to anyone in Herefordshire who have battled tirelessly to attack inequality in this world and feel they might have been in some small measure maligned. I had to set the book somewhere.

My thanks to the team at Hodder for their endless support, especially Lily Cooper, and my thanks go also to the eagle-eyed Sharona Selby and Olivia Davies.

The frontispiece was drawn by Bill Mudron of Portland, Oregon. Other examples of his work can be found at https://www.billmudron.com/ and he will gladly discuss commissions.

And lastly, Ozzy, whose mention will be no surprise to my readers. Although slowing up in the stick-fetching department, he still shows enthusiasm for walkies to a dog half his age, and whose companionship I value beyond that of many humans.

Jasper Fforde,

February 2020

Footnotes

Speed Librarying

^1. The script looks like ‘scuffed mud’, the sort of marks you get in the back porch after inclement weather. The Rabbity alphabet, incidentally, has only six letters: N, I, R, H, U and F.

^2. As a cost-cutting measure the old card system was reintroduced to Herefordshire libraries. Each user has a cardboard wallet held by the library, into which the card contained in a pocket on each book is placed. The book then has a stamp for its due return date, as has the card held by the library. The user wallets are stored in a large indexing system. It’s a lot more simple than it sounds.

Toast & TwoLegsGood

^3. The blueprint for the way in which the rabbit had become anthropomorphised was generally agreed to be along Beatrix Potter lines. Why this was so it was impossible to say, but it was a look and a feel and a tone which the rabbit fully embraced.

^4. Ross-on-Wye, the third-largest town in Herefordshire.

^5. Those with a fear/mistrust/dislike of rabbits, but I figure you guessed that.

^6. They often cited Macquarie Island, which is worth a read on Wikipedia, if you’ve got a few minutes.

^7. Nothing was ever manufactured with components smaller than a marble. Dexterity could be challenging without opposable thumbs.

Spotters & Spotting

^8. The algorithm was occasionally tweaked depending on whether arrest and conviction targets were being met.

^9. The closest thing to a war amongst rabbits. The high point of the hostilities was Anton Von Hercule’s fourteen-hour ‘less than polite’ rant in July 1987, which was met by a barrage of sarcasm that is still talked about today, usually in hushed tones.

^10. Your guess is as good as mine on this one.

^11. Rabbits were quite big into Gilbert and Sullivan operas, despite not having good singing voices. Few, if any, would even attempt The Mikado.

^12. The most popular (and politically active) daily newspaper for rabbits. There is no online edition, and copies are banned off-colony owing to the ink ‘falling short of industry standards’.

Fudds and Flopsies

^13. ‘John Flopsy’ was the generic term to describe an unidentified rabbit, similar to ‘John Doe’ for humans. The female equivalent, logically enough, was ‘Jane Flopsy’. The long-term usage of the word made ‘Flopsy’ slang for a rabbit of a criminal tendency, or often, any rabbit at all.

^14. Her spiritual name was actually ‘B’uuntii’ but she was known by everyone, rabbits included, as ‘Bunty’. The closest translation of her name would be ‘I can see clearly now’, which is also the first line of the rabbit’s anthem and a Johnny Nash single, although it is not thought the two are related.

^15. Rabbit slang for a ‘smoking gun’, ‘dead cert’ or ‘done deal’.

Ross & Rabbits

^16. Given that rabbits can reproduce at age three with a potential litter of eight as many as six times a year, even a modest wastage figure of fifteen per cent would suggest their numbers could surpass those of humans in the UK in as little as four years.

^17. People from Yorkshire do this.

^18. It’s very good, and now operates a book lease-back agreement with rabbits, to whom owning something that you might use once every six or seven years seemed a little pointless.

^19. A term used between pro-rabbit humans to describe rabbits. Although a positive term, it could also mean the opposite. Context is everything.

Griswold & Gossip

^20. Most notably, he played Ugarte in Casablanca. One of the now-forgotten stars of the silver screen.