The Collector

Of course I went down as soon as I got back, and she was lying there breathing away. As soon as she saw me she began talking, she seemed to think I was someone else because she asked me if I’d seen Louise (I never heard her talk of her before)—luckily she didn’t wait for an answer, she started talking about some modern painter, then she said she was thirsty. It wasn’t sense, things seemed to come in her head and go. Well, I gave her a drink and she lay still a while and she suddenly seemed to get half back to normal (in mind, that is) because she said, when will Daddy come, you have been?

I lied, it was a white lie, I said he’d be here soon. She said, wash my face, and when I did, she said he must see some of . that stuff I’ve brought up. I say she said, but it was all in a whisper.

She said she wished she could sleep.

It’s the fever, I said, and she nodded, for a bit she quite understood all I was saying, and no one could believe it but I decided to go back to Lewes to get a doctor. I helped her behind the screen, she was so weak I knew she couldn’t run away, so what I decided was I would go up and try and get two hours’ sleep and then I’d carry her upstairs and I’d go down to Lewes and get another doctor out.

I don’t know how it happened, I always get up as soon as the alarm sounds; I think I must have reached out and turned it off in my sleep, I don’t remember waking up, once. Anyway it was four, not half past twelve when I woke up. Of course, I rushed down to see what had happened. She had pulled all the top clothes off her chest, but luckily it was warm enough. I don’t think it mattered then anyway, she was in a terrible fever and she didn’t know me, and when I lifted to take her upstairs she tried to struggle and scream, but she was so weak she couldn’t. What’s more her coughing stopped her screaming and seemed to make her realize where we were. I had a proper job getting her upstairs, but I managed it and put her in the bed in the spare room (I had got it all warmed), where she seemed happier. She didn’t say anything, the cold air had made her cough and bring up, her face was the funny purplish colour, too. I said, the doctor’s coming, which she seemed to understand.

I stayed a bit to see if she would be all right, I was afraid she might have just the strength to go to the window and attract the attention of anyone passing. I knew she couldn’t really, but I seemed to find reasons not to go. I went several times to her open door, she was lying there in the darkness, I could hear her breathing, sometimes she was muttering, once she called for me and I went and stood beside her and all she could say was doctor, doctor, and I said he’s coming, don’t worry and I wiped her face, she couldn’t stop sweating. I don’t know why I didn’t go then, I tried, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t face the idea of not knowing how she was, of not being able to see her whenever I wanted. I was just like in love with her all over again. And another thing, all those days I used to think, well, she’ll be getting over it a long time, she’ll need me, it will be very nice when she has turned the corner.

I don’t know why, I also thought the new room might help. It would make a change.

It was like when I had to take Mabel out in her chair. I could always find a dozen reasons to put it off. You ought to be grateful you have legs to push, Aunt Annie used to say (they knew I didn’t like being seen out pushing the chair). But it’s in my character, it’s how I was made. I can’t help it.

Time passed, it must have been midnight or more and I went up to see how she was, to see if she’d drink a cup of tea, and I couldn’t get her to answer me, she was breathing faster than ever, it was terrifying the way she panted, she seemed to catch at the air as if she could never get it fast enough. I shook her but she seemed asleep although her eyes were open, her face was very livid and she seemed to be staring at something on the ceiling. Well I felt really frightened, I thought, I’ll give her half an hour and then I must go. I sat by her, I could see that things were definitely worse by the way she was sweating and her face was terrible. Another thing she did those days was picking at the sheets. Pimples had spread all over both corners of her mouth and lips.

Well at last having locked her door in case, I set off again to Lewes, I remember I got there just after 1:30, everything shut up, of course. I went straight to the street where the doctor lived and stopped a bit short of his house. I was just sitting there in the dark getting ready to go and ring the bell, getting my story straight and so on, when there was a tapping on the window. It was a policeman.

It was a very nasty shock. I lowered the window.

Just wondered what you were doing here, he said.

Don’t tell me it’s no parking.