The Collector

 In the end I got her to take a double dose of the pills, it said on the packet not to exceed the stated dose, but I heard once you ought to take twice what they said, they were scared to make it too strong for legal reasons.

 I must have gone down four or five times that morning, I was that worried. She was awake but said she wanted nothing, she knew what was what, she shook her head anyhow. At lunch she drank a little tea and then went off to sleep and I sat out in the outer room. Well, the next time I switched on her light it was about five she was awake. She looked weak, very flushed, but she seemed to know where she was all right and who I was, her eyes followed me quite normally and I thought she was past the worse, the crisis as they call it.

 She had a bit more tea and then she made me help her behind the screen, she could just about walk and so I left her a few minutes and came back and helped her back. She lay awhile in bed with her eyes open, staring at the ceiling, she had difficulty in getting her breath as usual and I was going to go away, but she made me stop.

 She started to talk in a low hoarse voice, quite normal mentally, though. She said, "I've got pneumonia. You must get a doctor."

 I said, you're over the worse, you look much better.

 "I must have penicillin or something." Then she began to cough, and she couldn't breathe and she certainly sweated terribly.

 Then she wanted to know what had happened in the night and the morning and I told her.

 "Terrible nightmares," she said. Well, I said I'd stay with her all night and that she looked better and she asked me if I was sure she looked better and I said she was. I wanted her to be better by then, so I suppose I was seeing things.

 I promised that if she wasn't well the next day I would carry her upstairs and get a doctor to come. So then she wanted to go up at once, she even wanted to know the time and when I told her, not thinking, she pointed out it was night and no one would see. But I said none of the rooms or beds was aired.

 Then she changed, she said, "I feel so afraid. I'm going to die." She didn't speak quickly, there were pauses.

 She said, "I've tried to help you. You must try to help me now." I said of course I would, I sponged her face again and she seemed to be dropping off, which was what I wanted, but she spoke up again.

 She said in a loud voice, "Daddy? Daddy?"

 Go to sleep, I said. You'll be recovered tomorrow.

 She began to cry again. It wasn't like ordinary crying, she just lay there with the tears around her eyes as if she didn't know she was crying. Then suddenly she said, "What will you do if I die?"

 I said, you're not going to die, don't be silly.

 "Will you tell anyone?"

 I'm not going to talk about it, I said.

 "I don't want to die," she said. And then, "I don't want to die," again. And a third time, and each time I said don't talk about it, but she didn't seem to hear.

 "Would you go away? If I died?"

 I said, you're daft.

 "What would you do with your money?"

 I said, please let's talk about something else, but she insisted, after a pause, she was speaking normally, but there were funny gaps and then she'd suddenly say something again.

 I said I didn't know, I hadn't thought. I was just humouring her.

 "Leave it to the children."

 I said, what children, and she said, "We collected money for them last term, they eat earth," and then a bit later, "We're all such pigs, we deserve to die," so I reckon they pinched the money they should have given in. Well, the next thing was she went to sleep for it must have been ten minutes. I didn't move, I thought she was well asleep but suddenly she said, "Would you?" again, as if we hadn't stopped talking. Then, "Are you there?" and she even tried to sit up to see me. Of course I calmed her down but she was awake again and she would go on about this fund she had collected for.

 I gave up trying to say it was all silly, she wasn't going to die, so I said, yes, I would, but she wasn't, and so on.

 "You promise?"

 Yes.

 Then she said, "Promises." Then some time after, "They eat earth." And she said that two or three times while I tried to pat her calm, it seemed it really distressed her.

 The last thing she said was, "I forgive you."

 She was delirious of course, but I said I was sorry again.

 You might say things were different from this time. I forgot all she did in the past and I was sorry for her, I was truly sorry for what I did that other evening, but I wasn't to know she was really ill. It was spilt milk; it was done and there was an end to it.

 It was really funny, though, how just when I thought I was really fed up with her all the old feelings came back. I kept on thinking of nice things, how sometimes we got on well and all the things she meant to me back home when I had nothing else. All the part from when she took off her clothes and I no longer respected her, that seemed to be unreal, like we both lost our minds. I mean, her being ill and me nursing seemed more real.