The Collector

 He said, lust is simple. You reach an understanding at once. You both want to get into bed or one of you doesn't. But love. The women I've loved have always told me I'm selfish. It's what makes them love me. And then be disgusted with me. Do you know what they always think is selfishness? He was scraping the glue away from a broken Chinese blue-and-white bowl he'd bought in the Portobello Road, and repaired, two fiendishly excited horsemen chasing a timid little fallow-deer. Very short-fingered, sure hands. Not that I will paint in my own way, live in my own way, speak in my own way -- they don't mind that. It even excites them. But what they can't stand is that I hate them when _they_ don't behave in their own way.

 It was as if I was another man.

 People like your bloody aunt think I'm a cynic, a wrecker of homes. A rake. I've never seduced a woman in my life. I like bed, I like the female body, I like the way even the shallowest of women become beautiful when their clothes are off and they think they're taking a profound and wicked step. They always do, the first time. Do you know what is almost extinct in your sex?

 He looked sideways at me, so I shook my head.

 Innocence. The one time you see it is when a woman takes her clothes off and cannot look you in the eyes (as I couldn't then). Just that first Botticelli moment of the first time of her taking her clothes off. Soon shrivels. The old Eve takes over. The strumpet. Exit Anadyomene.

 Who's she? I asked.

 He explained. I was thinking, I shouldn't let him talk like this, he's drawing a net round me. I didn't think it, I _felt_ it.

 He said, I've met dozens of women and girls like you. Some I've known well, some I've seduced against their better nature and my better nature, two I've even married. Some I've hardly known at all, just stood beside them at an exhibition, in the Tube, wherever.

 After a while he said, you've read Jung?

 No, I said.

 He's given your species of the sex a name. Not that it helps. The disease is just as bad.

 Tell me the name, I said.

 He said, you don't tell diseases their names.

 Then there was a strange silence, as if we'd come to a full stop, as if he'd expected me to react in some other way. Be more angry or shocked, perhaps. I was shocked and angry afterwards (in a peculiar way). But I'm glad I didn't run away. It was one of those evenings when one grows up. I suddenly knew I had either to behave like a shocked girl who had still been at school that time the year before; or like an adult.

 You're a weird kid, he said at last.

 Old-fashioned, I said.

 You'd be a bloody bore if you weren't so pretty.

 Thank you.

 I didn't really expect you to go to bed with me, he said.

 I know, I said.

 He gave me a long look. Then he changed, he got out the chess-board and we played chess and he let me beat him. He wouldn't admit it, but I am sure he did. We hardly said anything, we seemed to communicate through the chessmen, there was something very symbolic about my winning. That he wished me to feel. I don't know what it was. I don't know whether it was that he wanted me to see my "virtue" triumphed over his "vice," or something subtler, that sometimes losing is winning.

 The next time I went he gave me a drawing he had done. It was of the vriki and the two cups on the bench. Beautifully drawn, absolutely simple, absolutely without fuss or nervousness, absolutely free of that clever art-student look the drawings of simple objects I do have.

 Just the two cups and the little copper vriki and his hand. Or a hand. Lying by one of the cups, like a plaster cast. On the back he wrote, _Aprиs_, and the date. And then, _pour "une" princesse lointaine_. The "_une_" was very heavily underlined.

 I wanted to go on about Toinette. But I'm too tired. I want to smoke when I write, and it makes the air so stuffy.

    _October 29th_

 (Morning.) He's gone into? Lewes.

 Toinette.

 It was a month after the evening of the record. I ought to have guessed, she had been purring over me for days, giving me arch looks. I thought it was something to do with Piers. And then one evening I rang the bell and then I noticed the lock was up, so I pushed the door open and looked up the stairs, at the same time as Toinette looked down round the door. And we were looking at each other. After a moment she came out on the landing and she was dressing. She didn't say anything, she just gestured me to come up and into the studio and what was worst, I was red, and she was not. She was just amused.

 Don't look so shocked, she said. He'll be back in a minute. He's just gone out for . . . but I never heard what it was, because I went.

 I've never really analyzed why I was so angry and so shocked and so hurt. Donald, Piers, David, everyone knows she lives in London as she lived in Stockholm -- she's told me herself, they've told me. And G.P. had told me what he was like.