The Big Over Easy

“Records,” explained Spongg, following Jack’s look. “We had a spot of bother with damp in the basement. Wait! Have a look at this.”

He had stopped in front of an oil painting of a venerable-looking gentleman, one of several that lined the corridor. Spongg gazed at it with obvious affection.

“Lord Randolph Spongg II,” he announced. The painting was of an elderly man with divergent eyes standing barefoot on a chair.

“My grandfather. Died in 1942 while attempting the land speed record. A great man and a fine chemist. He devised a trench-foot preparation in 1917 that paid for the company to lead the world in foot-care products for the next thirty years. He was the world’s leading authority on carbuncles and was working on an athlete’s foot remedy when he died. My father carried on his work, and we cracked it in the fifties; it kept us financially afloat for a bit longer. This way.”

He led them along the cluttered corridor until they arrived at a large mahogany door. Spongg pushed it open and stepped back to allow them to enter.

Spongg’s office was a spacious room with oak-paneled walls and a high ceiling, dominated by a portrait of a man they took to be the first Dr. Spongg. At the far end was a desk the size of a snooker table cluttered high with reports, and in the middle of the room was a model of the factory within a glass case. The room was lit by a skylight, and several more buckets and an old tin bath were laid around the floor to catch the water that leaked in.

Spongg read Jack’s expression as he saw the room and laughed nervously.

“It’s no secret, Inspector. We’re in a bit of a pickle financially, and I can’t afford to have the roof done. Cigarette?”

“Thank you, I don’t,” said Jack, noticing that there were actually no cigarettes in the box anyway.

Spongg smiled. “Wise choice. My father was trying to prove a link between nicotine and fallen arches when he died.”

“Did he?” asked Mary

“No. There isn’t one. But it’s due to my father’s hard work that we know even that much. I heard of Humpty’s death on the news last night. For almost a year now, we have been thanking providence for supplying the company with such an upright benefactor.”

He beckoned them both to the window and pointed out a large building of modernist style, a mirror-covered office block surrounded by a high-tech factory.

“Do you know what that is?”

Jack had lived in Reading all his life, and the rivalry between the two companies was well known.

“Of course. It’s Winsum and Loosum’s.”

“Winsum and Loosum. Right. They’ve been wanting to absorb us for some time. The Spongg family has only forty percent of the company, so a danger exists; we have been borrowing against the assets for the past twenty years to keep the old place alive—even old Castle Spongg is in hock.”

He indicated a table that was groaning under the weight of Spongg’s varied foot products.

“These are our bestselling lines. The need to remain competitive keeps the profit margin small, and we also suffer the most ironic of marketing difficulties.”

“Which is?”

“Success.”

“Success?”

“Product success, Inspector, not financial success. Have you ever had cause to use a Spongg preparation?”

“Yes.”

“And it worked?”

“Very well, as I recall.”

“So you see our problem. We promote the cure, thus effecting the slow eradication of our own market.”

Spongg pointed his silver-topped cane at several charts on the wall behind him.

“This is the reported incidence of verrucas. You see how it’s dropped considerably in the last ten years?”

Jack and Mary studied the chart on the wall. Apart from a few upturns now and again during hot summers, the trace headed progressively downhill. Spongg pointed to another.

“Bunions. Down seventy percent since this time a decade ago.”

He pointed to a third.

“Athlete’s foot. Steady decline these past twelve years.”

He faced them again.

“Good for the planet’s feet, Inspector, disastrous for Spongg’s!”

“And Humpty Dumpty?” asked Jack.

“Ah!” said Spongg with a smile. “Now, there’s an egg with faith!”

“Go on.”

“He was our major shareholder. At the last takeover bid six months ago, all the nonfamily shareholders voted to take Winsum and Loosum’s offer. Humpty held firm. With his support we could rebuff the takeover. I was impressed by his fortitude, but puzzled also.”

“Because…?”

“I have no idea why he did so. Humpty’s plans for Spongg’s are a complete mystery to us all. He was no fool; I’ve done my homework. But as to what he had planned for Spongg’s—I have not the slightest idea.”

He sighed again and gazed up at the painting of the first Dr. Spongg, whose likeness scowled out at the world holding the model of a foot in one hand and a pair of toenail clippers in the other.

There was a pause. Spongg stared at the ceiling for a moment, then asked, “Anyhow, what else can I do for you?”

“You helped Dumpty outside after his outburst at your charity benefit?”

“Yes; if I’d known he was going to get so… er, poached, I would never have had him at my table.”