Stranger in a Strange Land

“So you have. For your own convenience, or to keep from making extra work for the girls. Or some such. You can have breakfast in bed, for all of me, if you can bribe the girls to serve it to you. But nobody who sleeps under my roof refuses to eat at my table because he doesn’t want to eat with others who eat there. I happen to be of an almost extinct breed, an old-fashioned gentleman—which means I can be a real revolving son of bitch when it suits me. And it suits me right now… which is to say that no ignorant, superstitious, prejudiced bumpkin is permitted to tell me who is, or is not, fit to eat at my table. If I choose to dine with publicans and sinners, that is my business. But I do not choose to break bread with Pharisees.”

Duke turned red and said slowly, “I ought to pop you one—and I would, if you were my age.”

“Don’t let that stop you, Duke. I may be tougher than you think and if I’m not, the commotion will probably bring the others in. Do you think you can handle the Man from Mars?”

“Him? I could break him in two with one hand!”

“Probably… if you could lay a hand on him.”

“Huh?”

“You saw me try to point a pistol at him. Duke—where’s that pistol? Before you go flexing your biceps, stop and think—or whatever it is you do in place of thinking. Find that pistol. Then tell me whether or not you still think you can break Mike in two. But find the pistol first.”

Duke wrinkled his forehead, then went ahead setting up the projector. “Some sort of sleight-of-hand. The films will show it.”

Harshaw said, “Duke. Stop fiddling with that projector. Sit down. I’ll take care of it after you’ve left and run off the films myself. But I want to talk to you a few moments first.”

“Huh? Jubal, I don’t want you touching this projector. Every time you do, you get it out of whack. It’s a delicate piece of machinery.”

“Sit down, I said.”

“But—”

“It’s my projector, Duke. I’ll bust the damned thing if it suits me. Or: I’ll get Larry to run it for me. But I do not accept service from a man alter he has resigned from my employ.”

“Hell, I didn’t resign! You got nasty and sounded off and fired me—for no reason.”

“Sit down, Duke,” Harshaw said quietly. “Either sit down… and let me try to save your life—or get off this place as fast as you can and let me send your clothes and wages after you. Don’t stop to pack; it’s too risky. You might not live that long.”

“What the hell do you mean?”

“Exactly what I say. Duke, it’s irrelevant whether you resigned or were fired; you terminated your employment here when you announced that you would no longer eat at my table. Nevertheless I would find it distasteful for you to be killed on my premises. So sit down and I will do my best to avoid it.”

Duke looked startled, opened his mouth—closed it and sat down. Harshaw went on, “Are you Mike’s water brother?”

“Huh? Of course not. Oh, I’ve heard such chatter—but it’s nonsense, if you ask me.”

“It is not nonsense and nobody asked you; you aren’t competent to have an opinion about it.” Harshaw frowned. “That’s too bad. I can see that I am not only going to have to let you go—and, Duke, I don’t want to fire you; you do a good job of keeping the gadgetry around here working properly and thereby save me from being annoyed by mechanical buffoonery I am totally uninterested in. But I must not only get you safely off the place but I must also find out at once who else around here is not a water brother to Mike… and either see to it that they become such—or get them off the place before anything happens to them.” Jubal chewed his lip and stared at the ceiling. “Maybe it would be sufficient to exact a solemn promise from Mike not to hurt anyone without my specific permission. Mmmm… no, I can’t risk it. Too much horse play around here—and there is always the chance that Mike might misinterpret something that was meant in fun. Say if you—or Larry, rather, since you won’t be here—picked up Jill and tossed her into the pool, Larry might wind up where that pistol went, before I could explain to Mike that it was all in fun and Jill was not in danger. I wouldn’t want Larry to die through my oversight. Larry is entitled to work out his own damn foolishness without having it cut short through my carelessness. Duke, I believe in everyone’s working out his own damnation his own way… but nevertheless that is no excuse for an adult to give a dynamite cap to a baby as a toy.”

Duke said slowly, “Boss, you sound like you’ve come unzipped. Mike wouldn’t hurt anybody—shucks, this cannibalism talk makes me want to throw up but don’t get me wrong; I know he’s just a savage, he doesn’t know any better. Hell, Boss, he’s gentle as a lamb. He would never hurt anybody.”

“You think so?”

“I’m sure of it.”

“So. You’ve got two or three guns in your room. I say he’s dangerous. It’s open season on Martians, so pick a gun you trust, go down to the swimming pool, and kill him. Don’t worry about the law; I’ll be your attorney and I guarantee that you’ll never be indicted. Go ahead, do it!”