Stranger in a Strange Land

During their cocktails the musical show plus lavish commercials which had been banging their eardrums from the stereo tank suddenly stopped. An announcer’s head and shoulders filled the tank; he smiled sincerely and said, “NWNW, New World Networks and its sponsor of the hour, Wise Girl Maithusian Lozenges, is honored and privileged to surrender the next few minutes to a special, history-making broadcast by the Federation Government. Remember, friends, every wise girl uses Wise Girls. Easy to carry, pleasant to take, guaranteed no-fail, and approved for sale without prescription under Public Law 1312. Why take a chance on old-fashioned, unesthetic, harmful, unsure methods? Why risk losing his love and respect? Remember—” The lovely, lupine announcer glanced aside and hurried through the rest of his commercial: “I give you the Wise Girl, who in turn brings you the Secretary General—and the Man from Mars!”

The 3-D picture dissolved into that of a young woman, so sensuous, so unbelievably mammalian, so seductive, as to make every male who saw her unsatisfied with local talent. She stretched and wiggled and said in a bedroom voice, “I always use Wise Girl.”

The picture dissolved and a full orchestra played the opening bars of Hail to Sovereign Peace. Ben said, “Do you use Wise Girl?”

“None o’ your business!” She looked ruffled and added, “It’s a quack nostrum. Anyhow, what makes you think I need it?”

Caxton did not answer; the tank had filled with the fatherly features of Mr. Secretary General Douglas. “Friends,” he began, “fellow citizens of the Federation, I have tonight a unique honor and privilege. Since the triumphant return of our trail-blazing ship Champion—” He continued in a few thousand well-chosen words to congratulate the citizens of Earth on their successful contact with another planet, another civilized race. He managed to imply that the exploit of the Champion was the personal accomplishment of every citizen of the Federation, that any one of them could have led the expedition had he not been busy with other serious work—and that he, Secretary Douglas, had been chosen by them as their humble instrument to work their will. The flattering notions were never stated baldly, but implied; the underlying assumption being that the common man was the equal of anyone and better than most—and that good old Joe Douglas embodied the common man. Even his mussed cravat and cowlicked hair had a “just folks” quality.

Ben Caxton wondered who had written the speech. Jim Sanforth, probably—Jim had the most subtle touch of any member of Douglas’ staff in selecting the proper loaded adjective to tickle and soothe an audience; he had written advertising commercials before he went into politics and had absolutely no compunctions. Yes, that bit about “the hand that rocks the cradle” was clearly Jim’s work—Jim was the sort of jerk who would entice a young girl with candy and consider it a smart operation.

“Turn it off!” Jill said urgently.

“Huh? Shut up, pretty foots. I’ve got to hear this.”

“—and so, friends, I have the honor to bring you now our fellow citizen Valentine Michael Smith, the Man from Mars! Mike, we all know you are tired and have not been well—but will you say a few words to your friends? They all want to see you.”

The stereo scene in the tank dissolved to a semi-close-up of a man in a wheel chair. Hovering over him like a favorite uncle was Douglas and on the other side of the chair was a nurse, stiff, starched, and photogenic.

Jill gasped. Ben whispered fiercely, “Keep quiet! I don’t want to miss a word of this.”

The interview was not long. The smooth babyface of the man in the chair broke into a shy smile; he looked at the cameras and said, “Hello, folks. Excuse me for sitting down. I’m still weak.” He seemed to speak with difficulty and once the nurse interrupted to take his pulse.

In answer to questions from Douglas he paid compliments to Captain van Tromp and the crew of the Champion, thanked everyone for his rescue, and said that everyone on Mars was terribly excited over contact with Earth and that he hoped to help in welding strong and friendly relations between the two planets. The nurse interrupted again, but Douglas said gently. “Mike, do you feel strong enough for just one more question?”

“Sure, Mr. Douglas—if I can answer it.”

“Mike? What do you think of the girls here on Earth?”

“Gee!”