Sirens and Other Daemon Lovers

The sword work wasn’t so bad. The sensations of weapon contact were always more muted for me than hand-to-hand. But stormfighting was so much more intense: seducing my opponent into me, or thrusting myself into her space, or breathing in the smell of him while my hands turned him to my will. I’d got used to it being delicious, smooth, powerful, like gulping a mug of warm cream on a cold night. Until the hallway, until the man’s throat spilled open under my sword, until I broke his partner open with my hands. With my hands—and the fizzing thrill through my body was overrun by something that felt like chunks of fire, like vomit in my veins. I hated it. It made me feel lonely in a way I’d never thought to feel again. So I sat down in the cellars of the palace and wept for something I’d lost, and then I wept some more for the greater loss to come.

My head hurt worse when I’d run dry of tears. I gathered myself up and went to find my quad.

They were sitting quietly when I came into the room, not talking; Brax on one of the beds drowsing in the last of the sun through the west window, Lucky crowded in beside her with her bad leg propped on a pillow, Ro on the floor nearby leaning against the mattress so that his head was close to theirs.

“Ho, Mars,” Lucky said gently.

They were so beautiful that I could only look at them for a handful of moments. When I opened my mouth I had no idea what might come out of it.

“I love you all so much,” I said. I wasn’t nervous anymore; it was time they knew me, and whatever happened next I would always have this picture of them, and the muscle-deep memory of all our times.

“Being with you three is like… gods, sometimes I imagine leaving home a day earlier or later. How easy it would have been to miss you on the road. What if I’d missed you? What would I be now?”

They were silent, watching me. I was the center of the world.

“That time on the road, when you asked me to…” I made a hapless sort of gesture, and Ro smiled. “You thought I was saying no, but what I was really saying was no, not like that.” I swallowed. I wasn’t sure how to say the next bit; and then Brax surprised me.

“The night before the guard trials, out behind the inn, when I thought we were practicing. We were really fucking, your way.”

I felt like a lightning-struck tree, all soft pulp suddenly exposed to the world, ruptured and raw. And I did the thing more frightening than fighting Tom, or leaving home, or losing Ad. I whispered yes. Then I crossed my arms to hold myself in, and began to find any words that I could use to hold off the moment when they would send me away. “I didn’t know until I met you on the road, and we began to practice, and every time we touched in this particular way I thought I would the from it. That’s when I figured it out, you know. I was a virgin when I met you,” and I couldn’t help but smile, because it was so right. “For me, the touch of your palm on my wrist is the same as any act of love; it’s my way of bringing our bodies together. It’s no different from putting ourselves inside each other.”

“Mars, it’s—” Ro began.

“Don’t you tell me it’s okay!” I cut him off. “You’re always the peacemaker, Ro, but you don’t understand. You don’t understand what I’ve done. Every time we’ve touched as fighters, all the teaching and the practice, it’s all been sex for me, hours and hours of it with one of you or all of you, or other quads that we’ve taught. And you never knew. What’s that but some kind of rape? It’s bad enough with people I love, and then there’s all those strangers. I’ve probably had more partners than all the whores in Ziren Square. And I can’t help it, and gods know I can’t stop because it’s the most unbelievable… but what I did to all of you, that’s unforgivable, but I was so afraid that you’d… well, I expect you can guess what I thought and I’m sure you’re thinking it now. No, wait,” I said, to stop Brax from speaking. “Then there’s this killing. You were right, Ro, I’ve never killed before, and it was horrible, it was disgusting because I still felt it even when I was pulling her arm out of its socket. And I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to, but I thought of what they’d done to Brax and then I was glad to hurt them and then there was this fierce, terrible wave… oh, gods, I’m sorry.” I was panting now, clenching myself. “I’m sorry. But it’s there, and I thought you should know.” They were still silent; Brax and Lucky were holding hands so tightly that I could see their fingers going white, and Ro looked sad and patient. “I love you,” I said, and then everything was beyond bearing and I had to leave.