Senior Year Box Set

What I saw religion doing for most people was to help them see beyond themselves. It was chock full of examples like ‘do unto others as you would have them to do unto you.’ Personally, I believed if more people thought more about those words and began to live by them, our world would be a better place.

If for no other reason, I would continue to go to church because I had kids. Thinking about what kind of men and women I wanted them to grow up to be, I envisioned them as loving, caring adults who thought of more than just themselves. I felt religion and faith would help with that.

The next goal, ‘Man of Integrity,’ was a work in progress. If you wanted to be a leader, people had to be able to trust your word. The saying ‘actions speak louder than words’ fit precisely here. I had to keep reminding myself that a promise once made should be a promise kept.

This was another one of those guideline types of goals. It didn’t mean you never backed out of a promise. Sometimes circumstances changed, and you couldn’t follow through on a promise. Or you might be in a situation where you decided not to follow through because the consequences would be dire for those involved. That came with a big ‘but’: but it had to be for a damned good reason, and you should explain why you changed your mind.

That led to the next three on my list, which presented my toughest challenge: ‘No Gossip,’ ‘Thinking before saying “yes,”’ and ‘Learning to say “no.”’

‘No Gossip’ was hard. We all wanted to hear and share dirt. I’d admit to being guilty of this one. I’d added this goal because of the way people perceived a gossip. First of all, not very flatteringly. Yes, we loved to listen to the stories. But if you took a step back, you had to ask yourself—would you trust the person telling stories with a confidence? Or would you worry they would share what you said with others?

This one, I wanted to work on.

The next two went hand-in-hand. ‘Thinking before saying “yes”’ was an extension of being a man of integrity who kept his promises. When you made a promise, it should be done in a manner where you don’t have to go back on your word, if possible. That meant I had to think through what I was committing to, be it something simple like agreeing to hang out with friends or something big like adopting Dave.

On the flip side, it required that I fight my people-pleasing need. If I wasn’t willing to say ‘yes,’ I had to man up and say ‘no.’ Of all of these, this was the goal I struggled most with. I realized I would often justify my failure to say ‘no’ by telling myself it was instead a ‘no regrets’ situation. I would have to come up with better ways to evaluate circumstances and stick closer to my more critical internal goals.

Even now, from the outside, some people might think that I procrastinated on big decisions. In reality, it would be much easier to either agree to do something or reject it.

A good example was my struggle with where to go to school. Two considerations made me push off that decision until the end. First, once I made the decision, I planned to follow through with it. Second, I wanted to weigh all my options before committing myself.

After reviewing these two goals, I concluded I was satisfied with my new outlook on decision-making. If a decision didn’t need to be made on the spot, I would only benefit from taking the time to think it through. The only potential downside I could see was that sometimes when people procrastinate, they wind up letting decisions be made for them through inertia or circumstance. I could honestly say I didn’t have that problem, though.

Of the final goals, I was okay with ‘A Healthy Sex Life,’ ‘Make a Difference,’ and ‘Be a Great Dad.’ The one that gave me heartburn was ‘No Regrets,’ because I’d probably warped that one a bit. I’d initially put it on the list to push me to move forward, to live life to its fullest. When I got older, I didn’t want to look back and say, ‘I wish I’d done …’

I’d written this goal with my mom’s cancer in mind. I’d intended it as a reminder that we only have so many days on this earth, and we should live life to the fullest. It didn’t mean I should jump at every crazy opportunity that came my way. Living a life of no regrets didn’t mean I should live one with no responsibilities, as my father had pointed out.

In practice, keeping this goal in context meant I probably should no longer volunteer to test out any of Devin’s toys or slip into a pop star’s dressing room. I had people who counted on me to use good judgment. It came back to that whole ‘becoming a better man’ concept my dad had saddled me with. I decided to leave ‘No Regrets’ on the list. But I would have to be conscientious when I invoked it to make sure I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want to be using it as a crutch to allow me to do adventurously stupid stuff.