Royal Assassin

"A cramp in my calf," I lied, and she laughed, believing me. So simple a fib, but I was suddenly shamed by the lie, by all the lies I had ever spoken and all the truths I had made into lies by leaving them unspoken. I opened my lips to tell her all. That I was the royal assassin, the King's killing tool. That the knowledge of her that she had given me that night had been shared by my brother the wolf. That she had given herself so freely to a man who killed other men and shared his life with an animal.

It was unthinkable. To tell her those things would hurt and shame her. She would have felt permanently dirtied by the touch we had shared. I told myself that I could stand to have her despise me, but I could not stand to have her despise herself. I told myself that I clenched my lips shut because it was the nobler thing to do, to keep these secrets to myself was better than to let the truth destroy her. Did I lie to myself, then?

Don't we all?

I lay there, with her arms twined warm around me, with the length of her body warming my side, and promised myself that I would change. I would stop being all those things, and then I would never need tell her. Tomorrow, I promised myself,

I would tell Chade and Shrewd that I would no longer kill for them. Tomorrow, I would make Nighteyes understand why I must sever my bond with him. Tomorrow.

But today, in this day that was already beginning to dawn, I had to go forth with the wolf at my side, to hunt the Forged ones and slay them. Because I wanted to go to Shrewd with a fresh triumph, to put him in the mood to grant the boon I would ask. This very evening, when my killing was done, I would ask him to allow Molly and me to marry. I promised myself that his permission would mark the beginning of my new life as a man who would no longer have to keep secrets from the woman he loved. I kissed her forehead, then set her arms softly aside from me.

"I have to leave you," I whispered as she stirred. "But I pray it will not be for long. Today I go to Shrewd, to ask permission to marry you."

She stirred and opened her eyes. She watched in a sort of wonder as I went naked from her bed. I put more wood on the fire, then avoided her gaze as I gathered my scattered clothes and put them on. She was not so shy, for as I looked up from fastening my belt, I found her eyes upon me, smiling. I blushed.

"I feel we are wed already," she whispered. "I cannot imagine how the speaking of any vows could make us more truly joined."

"Nor I." I came to sit on the edge of her bed, to take her hands in mine once again. "But there will be great satisfaction to me in letting all know of it. And that, my lady, requires a wedding. And a public speaking of all my heart has already vowed to you. But for now, I must go."

"Not yet. Stay awhile yet. I am sure we have some small time left before anyone else begins to stir."

I leaned over her to kiss her. "I have to go now, to retrieve a certain rope that is hanging from the battlements to my lady's window. Otherwise, it might excite comment."

"At least stay long enough to let me change the dressings on your arm and neck. However did you hurt yourself so? I meant to ask you last night, but ..."

I smiled down at her. "I know. There were more interesting things to pursue. No, my dear. But I promise you I shall take care of it this morning, in my room." To call her "my dear" made me feel a man as no words ever had before. I kissed her, promising myself that I would go immediately afterward, but found myself lingering to her touch on my neck. I sighed. "I do have to go."

"I know. But you have not told me how you injured yourself."

I could hear in her voice that she did not think my hurts were serious, but only tried to use the subject to detain me at her side. But still it shamed me, and I tried to make the lie as harmless as possible. "Dog bites. A bitch in the stable with pups. I guess I did not know her as well as I had thought. I bent to pick up one of her pups, and she went for me."

"Poor boy. Well. Are you sure you cleaned it well? Animal bites infect very easily."

"I'll clean it again when I dress it. Now. I must go." I covered her over with the feather quilt, but not without a twinge of regret at leaving that warmth. "Get what little sleep is left for you before day breaks."

"FitzChivalry! "

I paused at the door, turned back. "Yes?"

"Come to me tonight. Regardless of what the King may say."

I opened my mouth to protest.

"Promise me! Otherwise, I shall not survive this day. Promise me you will return to me. For no matter what the King may say, know this. I am your wife now. And always will be. Always."