Riding Rockets

I would learn an open-ended condom was part of the male urine collection system worn under the pressure-suit cooling garment. One end of the latex slipped over the penis, the other end was connected to a waist-worn nylon bladder. Urine could pass through the condom, through a one-way valve, and into the nylon bladder. After a launch, landing, or spacewalk (the three times when the toilet was inaccessible) the bladder/condom combination, known as a Urine Collection Device (UCD), could be stripped from the body and thrown away. In a really cruel joke, God created different-size penises, so NASA provided different-size condoms. The cute little filly on the other side of the curtain needed my stud size on her clipboard so the correct condom could be loaded in my personal locker when I finally flew in space.

With all the enthusiasm of a prisoner walking to the gallows I dropped my pants. Until this moment in my life I had worn a condom only during brief periods in my marriage when my wife had stopped her birth control pills. On those occasions there had been a sense of urgency and enthusiasm about donning the one-size-fits-all latex scabbard. Not now. I looked down at an appendage that was in the process of renouncing circumcision and finding some heretofore unknown foreskin to hide behind.

I reached for the largest condom. Astronauts are the most competitive people in the world. From supplying an autograph to fitting a rubber, we’re out to be the best, the fastest, the smartest…thebiggest. If there had been a hula hoop on that table, male astronauts would have seized it with hope in their souls.

I grabbed my cowering little friend and began work. “Don’t you have anything bigger?” I nervously joked to the cutie on the other side of the curtain. I’m sure she had never heard that one before.

Why didn’t they have a man collecting this information?I wondered. Then, I thought,That would be even worse .

Putting a flaccid penis in a condom is like shoving toothpaste back in the tube. I finally managed to corral the beast and did a few jiggles to see if the rubber would stay on. It fell to the floor. My testicles might as well have joined it. I had been emasculated. Clearly, I wasn’t going to place first in this competition. Of course I could have lied and said I needed theannihilator size, but to do so would have been to invite disaster during a spacewalk. If the condom didn’t fit, it would leak or even come off altogether, in which case the cooling garment would become a urine sponge. As uncomfortable as that sounds, it would be the least of the victim’s problems. An astronaut would never outlive the teasing.

I finally made a fit and gave the technician my size, wanting to add, “I’ll have you know I’ve fathered three children with this!”

Many years later astronauts were outraged when a pilot’s medical records were compromised to the press. Some in the media were questioning his suitability to command an important shuttle mission since he had been treated for kidney stones. Astronauts were livid that the flight surgeon’s office had somehow leaked this private medical information. As the brouhaha raged, I told a fellow TFNG, “I don’t care if they publish my medical records in theNew York Times. I just hope the record of my condom size is locked up in a vault in Cheyenne Mountain.” He understood. There are worse things to read about in the paper than the fact that you have passed a kidney stone.

Chapter 14

Adventures in Public Speaking

With the astronaut title came two duties few of us had ever performed in our past careers: giving public speeches and press interviews. While NASA didn’t force astronauts onto the speaking circuit, they did expect everybody to voluntarily take about a dozen trips a year to represent the agency at the head tables of America. The astronaut office received hundreds of requests a month for speakers, so there were plenty of events to pick from.