Riding Rockets

It was rumored NASA would select about thirty from this group to fly the shuttle. The odds were long that I would be among that blessed few. Not that I wasn’t qualified. I had all the squares checked. I was a West Pointer who had taken a commission in the air force. I wasn’t a pilot. My eyesight had been too bad for that job. But I had nearly 1,500 flying hours in the backseat of RF-4C aircraft, the reconnaissance version of the F-4 Phantom. Like Goose fromTop Gun, I was the guy in back. In my ten-year career I was a veteran of 134 combat missions in Vietnam, had completed a master’s degree in aeronautical engineering, and was a graduate of the Flight Test Engineer course taught by the USAF Test Pilot School. I was most certainly qualified, but so were a few hundred other applicants. I had been around too many super-achieving military aviators to fool myself. While I might have had a little of the Right Stuff, there were legions of others who had it in abundance, pilots who would make the likes of Alan Shepard and John Glenn look like candy-asses.

Yes, the odds were long, but I was going to give it my best shot. At the moment that best shot was aimed squarely at where the sun didn’t shine. I was in the process of preparing for my first proctosigmoidoscopy.

Just before I entered the bathroom I overheard one of the civilian candidates lamenting that he had failed his procto-prep. At the wordfailed my ears perked up. He had skimped in his bowel-cleansing efforts and would have to repeat his test tomorrow.

FAILED PROCTO-PREP. I could imagine those words in big red letters on the man’s physical report. Who would see them? Would they count in the selection process? When a selection committee was picking one person in seven and each was a superman or a wonder woman, you didn’t want to have the wordfailed anywhere, even in reference to something as innocuous as a procto-prep. My paranoia in this regard was fueled by a military aviator’s deathly fear of the flight surgeon. When his stethoscope came to your chest or that blood pressure needle was bouncing, it was your career on the line. A little blip and you could leave your wings on the table. Military aviators looked forward to a physical exam about as much as they looked forward to an in-flight engine fire. We didn’t wantfailed on any document concerning anything that came out of a flight surgeon’s office. I had known pilots who would secretly visit a civilian off-base doctor for some malady rather than bring it to the attention of a flight surgeon. This had been strictly forbidden, but the only crime was to get caught. I employed the same logic on the flight to Houston for this medical test. In an act of incredible naïveté, the docs at NASA had asked us to hand-carry our medical records from our home bases. This was akin to trusting a politician with a ballot box. As the miles passed, I pulled out pages I felt could generate questions I didn’t want to answer. In particular I pulled out references to the severe whiplash I had suffered during an ejection from an F-111 fighter-bomber a year earlier. During that incident my helmet-weighted head had snapped around as if it had been on the tip of a cracking bullwhip. My neck had been badly hyperextended. After a week of wearing a neck brace, the Eglin Air Force Base (AFB) doctors returned me to flight, but I wondered how the neck injury would be viewed by NASA’s docs. Certainly it couldn’t help me. It was the type of questionable injury that could draw adisqualified stamp on my application. In all likelihood there would be 199 other applicants without a history of neck injuries. I wasn’t going to take a chance. I liberated the offending pages from my files, planning to reinsert them on the return flight. I had one very slim chance of getting selected as an astronaut. I wasn’t going to let a little thing like a felony get in the way. I would alter official government records and, like countless other aviators before, hope I didn’t get caught.

Yes, I was going to give this astronaut selection my best shot. I inserted the enema and squeezed the bulb. I was determined when the NASA proctologist looked up my ass, he would see pipes so dazzling he would ask the nurse to get his sunglasses.

Hold for Five Minutes,read the instruction on the dispenser.Screw that, was my thought. That milquetoast civilian who had failed his clean out had probably blown his load at the first contraction. I would hold my enema for fifteen minutes. I would hold it until it migrated into my esophagus. I clamped my sphincter closed, gritted my teeth, and endured bowel contraction after bowel contraction until I thought I would black out. Finally, I blasted the colonic into the toilet. I repeated the process a second time.