Polynya

The Swede smiles at his own reflection. “Do you have a gassy goblin in your guild? Maybe your uncle eats too much spicy food or maybe your IBS comes with an odorous stench the likes of which could kill flowers, deplete what’s left of the ozone layer, or peel the paint off an aeros! If so, you need Gassy Assy Boom Time Bum Defuser from Johnson & Pfizor! Get your dignity back, and stop scaring away the locals! Eat whatever you’d like and avoid the consequences! And for the next twenty-four hours only, mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout to get a packet of equally useful Shart Brand Backfire Diapers. Terms and conditions apply. See web store for details.”

Hiccup takes a deep, angry breath. His face turns two shades redder, and just as he’s about to reach his breaking point, the goblin’s nose twitches. “What the hell is that smell?” His eyes soften and his nostrils flare up.

“Probably you,” Zaena says as they continue up the small hill lined with quaint shops including a place where one can have their ears expertly cleaned.

A smile forms on his face and he licks his lips, instantly forgetting what has just transpired. “Smells fickin’ yummy!” He drums his fingers on his belly. “My god, I can taste the dragon wings! Hear that, Snowballs? That’s what you’ll become if you don’t keep your ice bullshit to yourself!”

“That’s the local barbeque restaurant.” Enway points to a sign in the distance. “DD’s BBQ. It’s new, and very popular.”

FeeTwix’s eyes flicker as he scans messages from his fans. “Dirty Dave’s Barbeque? He’s a marketing genius! He’s got weapons covered, comfort food, illegal substances … Boy, does Dave have his hands in a lot of pies!”

“They don’t sell pies, Twixy, you vain fickwad. And say it with me, innocent until proven guilty. Any-fickin’-hoo, it’s time to slam! I’ll catch up with you fickers later,” Hiccup says as a bib appears around his neck. He shoulders past the Swede, a proverbial fire lit under his ass. The robust goblin moves faster than he’s ever moved, as if he’s suddenly dropped a hundred years, a hundred kilos, and picked up a pair of expensive DisNike tone-as-you-walk shoes.

“You guys have never heard of DD’s BBQ?” Enway looks at the four with disbelief on her face. “It is everywhere in Polynya, practically on every corner.”

“Like McStarbucks in Tokyo,” Ryuk says under his breath.

“And McStarbucks in Sweden,” FeeTwix chimes in.

“And McStarbucks in Mexico City,” adds Enway.

The three look to Zaena. “I don’t drink coffee,” she says, “but I have been to the new McStarbucks in Athos. They make tea out of Aramis weed that is very, very potent.”

(0)__(0)

“Again, I apologize for, um, our goblin,” Ryuk says, as the four approach a shop with a red door with the bright turquoise words RELICS ‘R’ US carved above it.

They stand at the top of the hill now, and from his vantage point, Ryuk can see very clearly how the village is built on the slopes of the mountains. The rest of the mountain village is scattered into the valley below, its most remarkable feature the dozens upon dozens of bell towers that crowd the airspace.

Enway produces a keychain and as she goes to jam it in the keyhole, all the bells of Katiyana ring simultaneously. They keep ringing, a cacophony of bright metal tones.

“What’s that?” Ryuk asks as she finishes unlocking the door.

Before she can answer him, a wave of green magic lightly spreads over the streets. It glitters as it touches the soil, disappearing into the ground.

“The high elves of Katiyana set up a series of hexes to protect the town from evil forces and algospells.”

“And they do nothing to this wolf you are dealing with?” FeeTwix asks.

“No.” The tall elven woman grins softly as she watches more of the green magic. Her long ears flatten a bit and perk back up as she inhales deeply. “I love this time of day. Can’t you feel it?”

Zaena shakes her head. “I can’t feel anything, but magic has never been my forte.”

“Come,” Enway says as she swings the door wide open, “I will make you some tea as we await the wolf and the goblin.”

“Do you think he’ll find the place?” Ryuk asks. “Not that it’d be bad thing to have an evening without Hiccup. It would at least smell better.”

FeeTwix laughs. “Ryuk is becoming funnier, everyone!” He aims his black peepers at Ryuk and stares just long enough to make the Ballistics Mage uncomfortable.

Enway leads them into a cramped shop filled with all sorts of trinkets and gadgets. It’s cramped yet organized, not quite a hoarder’s den but not far off.

FeeTwix’s mirror comes up. “Okay everyone, we have some top secret business to get down to so I’m going incognito for a moment! I’ve got a new contest up, see if you can figure it out. Hint – check my videos from Dead City. That’s all I’m saying! I’ll announce the winner of the three month TwitchTube Red subscription in the next thirty minutes, so stay tuned!”