Pale Kings and Princes

“If I just concentrate,” she said, “on watching TV or eating my breakfast, or putting on lipstick, I’m all right.” She smiled at me a little, her head turned toward me on the pillow. “If I think about, you know, the future, I...”

Tears formed in her eyes. She rubbed them away slowly, with the hand I wasn’t holding.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“You will,” I said.

“Will I?”

“Yes.”

“How will I?”

“You’re strong, and you’re young. You’ll come out of this. You’ll come out of this. You’ll have a life.”

The tears were there again and she didn’t bother to wipe them away. “Why do I want a life?” she said.

I sat on the edge of the bed. “I don’t know,” I said. “If I’d gone through what you have maybe I’d wonder too.”

“Did you?” she said.

“Go through something like this?”

“No,” she said. “Did you ever wonder why you should live.”

“Yes,” I said.

“But you didn’t die.”

“No.”

She was crying tranquilly. I leaned forward and put my arms around her. She sat straighter and leaned against me and cried against my neck.

“Why didn’t you,” she said.

“Die? I don’t know. Maybe I knew that I’d come out of it, that there was stuff to do that I’d want to do. Maybe just curiosity, see how things come out.”

“Curiosity saved the cat,” she murmured.

“What I found out is that sometimes when it’s all falling apart, there’s a chance to make something better.”

“Better than the old life?”

“Maybe.”

“I don’t think so.”

“No,” I said. “You can’t think so now.”

“I don’t know if I can stand it,” she said.

“I know,” I said. “I’ll help you.”

“I haven’t any family, now.”

“Parents, sisters, brothers?”

She shook her head slowly against my neck.

“You’re enough,” I said.

She shook her head some more. “No,” she said.

“Yeah, you are,” I said. “And I’ll be around. I’ll help.”

She was silent, shaking her head, hugging me.

“I want to die,” she said.

“You can always do that,” I said. “It’s always there if things really are unbearable.”

She nodded. “You’ll help,” she said.

“I’ll help you live,” I said.

She was quiet, but she kept her face against my neck and her arms around me. During the commercial break on the soap opera, a nurse came in.

“Okay, Mrs. Rogers,” she said. “Time for pills...”

Caroline was compliant. She let go of me and lay back against the pillow. The nurse gave her two tablets and a glass of water. She took the tablets, gave the glass back to the nurse, and turned her head toward the television. The nurse nodded at me, and smiled and left the room. In five more minutes Caroline Rogers was asleep.

I left the room and stopped by at the nurses’ station.

“Is she getting any emotional help,” I said.

The nurse was cute and blond, with a green ribbon tied on her ponytail, under her nurse’s cap.

“Dr. Wagner has talked with her,” the nurse said.

“He’s her doctor?”

“Yes.”

“What’s he think?”

“You’d probably have to talk with him, sir. She’s had a terrible shock and he’s been keeping her sedated.”

“Yeah, I noticed.”

“Dr. Wagner will be making rounds after five if you want to wait and speak with him.”

“He in Wheaton?” I said.

“Yes, sir.”

“I’ll call him, thanks.”

I went on out of the hospital. I had questions that I wanted to ask Caroline, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Maybe she didn’t know anything anyway. That would make two of us.

27

When I came back from running the next morning, Lundquist’s cruiser was parked in the motel parking lot with the motor running. I walked over to it, breathing hard, feeling the sweat in the small of my back under the three layers of running gear that I wore to keep out the winter.

“Get in,” he said.

I sat in the passenger seat. The heater was running full and the car was warm.

“I’ve been reassigned,” Lundquist said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. We’re letting the local authorities handle this. We stand ready to provide support, but I’m more useful manning a radar trap on the Pike.”

“Where’d that come from,” I said.

Lundquist shook his head. “You got me,” he said. “I got it through the chain of command.”

“Somebody knows a state senator,” I said.

Lundquist said, “You’re on your own in this thing. I’ll do what I can unofficially, you know, but...” He shrugged.

“I’ll see what the Central Argus can do with this,” I said.

“Long as you didn’t get it from me,” Lundquist said. “I don’t know what’s going on here, but I was you I’d try not to let the local cops get behind me.”

“I’m expecting some backup today,” I said.

“I hope it’s good,” Lundquist said.

“Gold medal in backup,” I said.

I got out of the car.

“You got anything firm and clear,” Lundquist said, “I’ll be happy to come and make an arrest.”

“I’ll let you know,” I said.

“Watch your ass,” Lundquist said.

I watched him pull away and then went into the motel.