Myth-Gotten Gains

I heard some hubbub coming from Calypsa's side of the table. Muffled exclamations were coming from the disguised sword. Alarmed, the girl hoisted him off her back and put him on the table, blade half out of his scabbard.

"Friend Aahz," Ersatz said. I could see the one baleful eye looking out of the torn leather at me. "At least I counted you friend! Until now."

"What's the matter with you?" I asked.

The eye blazed. "You have promised good gold for a polished and bejeweled husk to carry this wretched, leaky vessel in state—and you have not extended the same to me!"

"What?" I demanded.

"Aye, and I had come to believe that you had respect for me. You, who recognized my quality. You, who bought me out of tchochkedom and who are bearing me forward into an honorable destiny. You, who know my history, back as far as the mysterious fires that gave me birth. You who know the battles I have fought. YOU—would let me go on in this worn and limp scabbard while Asti has a new case to contain her pathetically beaten form?"

"Oh, yes," Asti piped up. "And I want you to find a goldsmith to tap me out again. No sense in continuing to look like the last target on the fence. Oh, and you might see if he can find me a replacement for the oval chalcedony on my foot. I noticed a chip out of it, just at the base..."

I glanced from her back to Ersatz. "No."

"No, what?" Asti asked.

"No to a polish job, and no to a brand new scabbard. And no," I added, as Kelsa started protesting from Tananda's substantial purse, "to a monogrammed miniature bowling bag to contain the world's most talkative crystal ball!"

They all burst out talking at once.

"Quiet," I shouted.

They quieted. I leaned toward Asti, making sure she got a good look at my bared teeth.

"First of all, dixie-cup, I may have taken on a job and need your cooperation to complete it, but you never call my friend Tananda names again. Do you understand? You may be an immortal treasure and have a hundred songs sung about your exploits, but you're still a piece of metal. I can flatten you and use you for a bookmark in my copy of the Perva Sutra. Got that? Second, just because we are working for Calypsa, the arrangement is temporary. When it's over, I'll be a private citizen again, so don't treat me like the help. When she's done with you, you'll be out of immunity cards. Get me?"

"My goodness, he can be touchy, can't he?" Asti appealed to Tananda. "Very well. I apologize for assuming you have no morals. But look at the way you dress!"

"What, this old thing?" Tananda asked, tugging at her neckline so that her assets jiggled fetchingly. "You should see me when I want to attract attention."

"The fact remains," Ersatz said, regaining the floor, "that I, too, merit presentation in a more fitting sheath."

"I thought that one fit fine," I said, but he didn't give me any credit for my wit. Trust a straight sword not to have a sense of humor. He carried on without changing expression.

"This slip is not meet, nor spruce, nor any of the things that I could wish. It protects my edge and, yea, provides me with some anonymity, but as you can see, friend Aahz, it is falling apart! Surely your leather-working associate back there can fashion something in which I will not be ashamed to be seen?"

"Be fair, Aahz," Calypsa said, batting those long black lashes of hers.

"And who is going to pay for this meet sheath?" I countered.

"Well," the Walt said, lowering her head in embarrassment. 'Tou are."

"To fit me out sweetly, I am certain that Chin-Hwag will add the price to your fee," Ersatz said, "with an emolument

for making the outlay, of course. She and I were always well disposed to one another."

"Oh, that's it!" Asti said. "You promised him a big reward from the Endless Purse as well as restoring his powers! My goodness, I thought you were assisting this girl for the sake of her grandfather! I wish I could give you Scarolzzi fever again, you...you Pervert!"

"That's Pervect!" I growled.

Her accusation stung, but it was the truth. Why hide from it? I was doing Calypsa a favor. So what if I got something in exchange for my help? I wanted my powers back. If I could get them by collecting the whole set of Franklin Talkative Treasures, then I'd do it. I've done worse.

"If we wish to discuss greed, what about you?" Ersatz said, turning to Asti. "You are a member of the Golden Hoard! You are supposed to assist those in need without consideration for material return! The makers who set us on our path would be horrified that you put your base needs in the way of our mission."

"Hmph! I notice that you're dipping into fashion yourself at the moment," Asti said, a superior look on her bowl. "A new scabbard. I suppose you want jade plates carved with the tales of your exploits sewn to it."

"I had already sworn my allegiance to this child and her companions," Ersatz countered. "I had no idea that they would neglect me and my offer of service in their haste to pander to you."