Mr. Darcy's Diary

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘I heard you before; but could not immediately determine what to say in reply. You wanted me, I know, to say “Yes”, that you might have the pleasure of despising my taste; but I always delight in overthrowing those kind of schemes. I have therefore made up my mind to tell you, that I do not want to dance a reel at all – and now despise me if you dare.’

Did I really seem so perverse to her? I wondered. And yet I could not help smiling at her sally, and her bravery in uttering it.

‘Indeed I do not dare,’ I said.

She looked surprised, as though she had expected a cutting retort, and I was glad to have surprised her, the more so because she is forever surprising me.

I find her quite bewitching, and if it were not for the inferiority of her station in life I believe I might be in some danger, for I have never been so captivated by a woman in my life.

It was Caroline’s intervention that broke my train of thought and prevented me from saying something I might later have regretted.

‘I hope your sister is not feeling too poorly,’ said Caroline. ‘I think I must go up to her room and see how she does.’

‘I will come with you,’ said Elizabeth. ‘Poor Jane. I have left her alone too long.’

They went upstairs, and I was left to wonder whether Caroline had turned Elizabeth’s attention to her sister deliberately, and to think how close I had come to betraying my feelings.

Friday 15th November

It was a fine morning, and Caroline and I took a walk in the shrubbery.

‘I wish you very happy in your marriage,’ she said as we strolled along the path.

I wish she would leave the subject, but I fear there is little chance of that. She has been teasing me about my supposed marriage for days.

‘I hope, though, that you will give your mother-inlaw a few hints, when this desirable event takes place, as to the advantage of holding her tongue; and if you can compass it, do cure the younger girls of running after the officers.’

I smiled, but I was annoyed. She had hit on the very reason I could not pursue my feelings. I could never have Mrs Bennet for a mother-in-law. It would be insupportable. And as for the younger girls, to make them sisters to Georgiana – no, it could not be done.

‘Have you anything else to propose for my domestic felicity?’ I asked, not letting her see my irritation, for it would only make her worse.

‘Do let the portraits of your uncle and aunt Philips be placed in the gallery at Pemberley. As for your Elizabeth’s picture, you must not attempt to have it taken, for what painter could do justice to those beautiful eyes?’ she said in a droll voice.

I ignored her drollery, and imagined a portrait of Elizabeth hanging at Pemberley. I imagined another portrait hanging next to it, of Elizabeth and myself. The thought was pleasing to me and I smiled.

‘It would not be easy, indeed, to catch their expression, but their colour and shape, and the eyelashes, so remarkably fine, might be copied,’ I mused.

Caroline was not pleased, and I found that I was glad to have vexed her. She was about to reply, when we were met from another walk by Louisa and Elizabeth herself.

Caroline was embarrassed, and well she might be. I, too, was uncomfortable. I did not think Elizabeth had overheard Caroline, but even if she had, it would not have disturbed her. She had not been perturbed when she had heard an uncharitable remark from me at the assembly.

As I looked at her, I was suddenly conscious of the fact that she was a guest in the house. I had been so busy thinking of her in another way that I had forgotten that she was staying with Bingley. I felt an uncomfortable pang as I realized that she had not met with any warmth or friendship during her stay. To be sure, she had met with politeness to her face, but even politeness had been lacking as soon as her back was turned. I had never felt so out of sympathy with Caroline…or in sympathy with Louisa, for she at least had taken the trouble to ask Elizabeth if she cared for a walk, which I had not. I berated myself for it. I was not averse to admiring her eyes, but I had done little to make her stay at Netherfield more enjoyable.

Louisa’s next words undid my charitable feelings towards her, however. Saying: ‘You used us abominably ill in running away without telling us that you were coming out,’ she took my free arm and left Elizabeth to stand alone.

I was mortified, and said at once: ‘The walk is not wide enough for our party. We had better go into the avenue.’

But Elizabeth, who was not in the least mortified at being used so ill, merely smiled mischievously and said that we looked so well together the group would be spoilt by a fourth. Then wishing us goodbye she ran off gaily, like a child who suddenly finds herself free of the schoolroom. As I watched her run, I felt my spirits lift. I felt as though I, too, was suddenly free, free of the trammelled dignity of my life, and I longed to run after her.

‘Miss Eliza Bennet behaves as badly as her younger sisters,’ said Caroline mockingly.