Merciless

I smiled. “You’re gonna be shocked as hell one of these days when I actually say yes and demand a huge freakin’ diamond, Dawson.”

“Nah. The real way to cement the deal is to buy you a huge freakin’ gun.” He kissed me with that combination of sweetness, steadiness, and total acceptance that I craved. “How long’s it been since you target shot?” he murmured. “Take some time tomorrow with your favorite guns and a whole pile of ammo. That’ll cure what ails you.”

The man knew me so well.

15

It was a long week at work, because we hadn’t turned up any new information on either case and Shay and I were both on edge. Turnbull hadn’t said boo about my visit to my jailbird friend last Friday.

I returned to the reservation Thursday night to attend Verline’s wake.

The church was packed, and I scooted into the back pew.

Nothing could’ve prepared me for what unfolded.

Drums pounding. Sage burning. Verline’s family breaking into spontaneous tremolo-similar to a male’s war cry but more sorrowful. It didn’t feel like a church service. Kids running in and out and shouting in the aisle. The constant hum of adult conversation. People laughing. People wailing. People passing objects around. All four corners of the room had some activity. If alcohol was legal on the rez, I imagined there’d be a bar.

Four poster boards with pictures of Verline, the edges decorated with vibrant artificial flowers and pieces of hair, were on easels in an arc around the sparkling white casket. A closed casket. People would wander up to look at the pictures, move to the next set. Maybe a friend or a kid would join someone in the progression. They’d hug. Laugh. Cry. Then move on.

If I gleaned anything from this event, it was the move-on attitude. So Verline was dead. Death happens. I couldn’t decide if that was a healthy attitude or a callous one.

It bothered me that Rollie couldn’t be here. He’d stare down the haters. He’d ignore Verline’s family and his own children, and focus on what mattered: honoring Verline in his own way.

I was still in the minority believing in Rollie’s innocence. Where Shay saw similarities, I saw coincidences that seemed off-almost staged. Maybe if I broke protocol and talked to Dawson, he could give me the insight I was lacking.

All of a sudden everyone got up and started clapping. Pie tins were passed around as noisemakers.

What the hell? Had I been transported to a Baptist revival?

With the loud voices, the cloying smell of Indian tacos, and the scent of greasy fry bread floating up from the basement, the screaming kids, the noisemakers, and the heat from too many bodies in too small a space, I felt a panic attack coming on.

Not now. Not when I wasn’t near anything that could serve as a talisman to ground me-like a bottle of Wild Turkey, a yoga mat, a long stretch of road, or Dawson. I was pushed and jostled as I forged a path to the red EXIT sign above the door. I thought I caught a glimpse of Junior, but he vanished in a sea of mourning revelers.

Shoving open the door, I sucked in lungs full of crisp air, using the quiet and the cold as my calming influence.

Every time I attended an event on the reservation, whether it was a powwow or a funeral, I had a serious sense of discomfort about my Indian heritage. I’d never considered myself Indian. Not out of shame, but out of ignorance. During my childhood, my mother’s Minneconjou Sioux ancestry wasn’t mentioned in our household. From what I’d remembered of her physical appearance, she’d never looked Indian, not the way Sophie, Jake, and Rollie looked Indian. Now, enrolling in the tribe seemed like a farce. I had no freakin’ clue what it meant to be part Indian.

Had my mother’s dismissal of her heritage meant I’d missed out on knowing an essential part of who I was?

You can’t miss what you never had. And definitely not what you don’t understand.

Halfway across the gravel parking lot, weaving between cars, I heard footsteps behind me. I turned around.

No one. Just my paranoia.

I quickened my pace, relieved to reach my pickup. Relieved-until I found my face smashed up against the window and some douche bag twisting my arm up my back.

“I hear you’ve been talkin’ shit about me.”

Saro.

Despite the immediate panic flooding my body, I managed a terse, “Let me go.”

He laughed that high-pitched girlish laugh that chilled my blood. “Say please.”

I threw my head back at the same time I rolled my shoulders into his hold, and kicked the side of his knee. I didn’t knock him down or bust his nose, but I got him to release me. I spun around and faced him, crouching into a defensive stance.

Another laugh. “I don’t fight women. I fuck them. And a feisty bitch like you ain’t my type.” His gaze zeroed in on my mouth. “Although… seeing a chick bleed does add appeal.”

Lucky me. I wiped the blood from my lip. “What do you want?”

“Same thing you do.”