Life, the Universe and Everything

Having said this, he sauntered off towards the edge of the pitch, brushing down his dressing gown. He then noticed his dressing gown and stopped. He stared at it. He flung himself at the policeman.

– So where did I get these clothes from? - he howled.

He collapsed and lay twitching on the grass.

Ford shook his head.

– He’s had a bad two million years, - he said to the policeman, and together they heaved Arthur on to the sofa and carried him off the pitch and were only briefly hampered by the sudden disappearance of the sofa on the way.

Reaction to all this from the crowd were many and various. Most of them couldn’t cope with watching it, and listened to it on the radio instead.

– Well, this is an interesting incident, Brian, - said one radio commentator to another. - I don’t think there have been any mysterious materializations on the pitch since, oh since, well I don’t think there have been any - have there? - that I recall?

– Edgbaston, 1932?

– Ah, now what happened then…

– Well, Peter, I think it was Canter facing Willcox coming up to bowl from the pavilion end when a spectator suddenly ran straight across the pitch.

There was a pause while the first commentator considered this.

– Ye… e… s… - he said, - yes, there’s nothing actually very mysterious about that, is there? He didn’t actually materialize, did he? Just ran on.

– No, that’s true, but he did claim to have seen something materialize on the pitch.

– Ah, did he?

– Yes. An alligator, I think, of some description.

– Ah. And had anyone else noticed it?

– Apparently not. And no one was able to get a very detailed description from him, so only the most perfunctory search was made.

– And what happened to the man?

– Well, I think someone offered to take him off and give him some lunch, but he explained that he’d already had a rather good one, so the matter was dropped and Warwickshire went on to win by three wickets.

– So, not very like this current instance. For those of you who’ve just tuned in, you may be interested to know that, er… two men, two rather scruffily attired men, and indeed a sofa - a Chesterfield I think?

– Yes, a Chesterfield.

– Have just materialized here in the middle of Lord’s Cricket Ground. But I don’t think they meant any harm, they’ve been very good-natured about it, and…

– Sorry, can I interrupt you a moment Peter and say that the sofa has just vanished.

– So it has. Well, that’s one mystery less. Still, it’s definitely one for the record books I think, particularly occurring at this dramatic moment in play, England now needing only twenty-four runs to win the series. The men are leaving the pitch in the company of a police officer, and I think everyone’s settling down now and play is about to resume.

– Now, sir, - said the policeman after they had made a passage through the curious crowd and laid Arthur’s peacefully inert body on a blanket, - perhaps you’d care to tell me who you are, where you come from, and what that little scene was all about?

Ford looked at the ground for a moment as if steadying himself for something, then he straightened up and aimed a look at the policeman which hit him with the full force of every inch of the six hundred light-years’ distance between Earth and Ford’s home near Betelgeuse.

– All right, - said Ford, very quietly, - I’ll tell you.

– Yes, well, that won’t be necessary, - said the policeman hurriedly, - just don’t let whatever it was happen again. - The policeman turned around and wandered off in search of anyone who wasn’t from Betelgeuse. Fortunately, the ground was full of them.

Arthur’s consciousness approached his body as from a great distance, and reluctantly. It had had some bad times in there. Slowly, nervously, it entered and settled down in to its accustomed position.

Arthur sat up.

– Where am I? - he said.

– Lord’s Cricket Ground, - said Ford.

– Fine, - said Arthur, and his consciousness stepped out again for a quick breather. His body flopped back on the grass.

Ten minutes later, hunched over a cup of tea in the refreshment tent, the colour started to come back to his haggard face.

– How’re you feeling? - said Ford.

– I’m home, - said Arthur hoarsely. He closed his eyes and greedily inhaled the steam from his tea as if it was - well, as far as Arthur was concerned, as if it was tea, which it was.

– I’m home, - he repeated, - home. It’s England, it’s today, the nightmare is over. - He opened his eyes again and smiled serenely. - I’m where I belong, - he said in an emotional whisper.

– There are two things I fell which I should tell you, - said Ford, tossing a copy of the Guardian over the table at him.

– I’m home, - said Arthur.

– Yes, - said Ford. - One is, - he said pointing at the date at the top of the paper, - that the Earth will be demolished in two days’ time.

– I’m home, - said Arthur. - Tea, - he said, - cricket, - he added with pleasure, - mown grass, wooden benches, white linen jackets, beer cans…

Slowly he began to focus on the newspaper. He cocked his head on one side with a slight frown.