Journeys into the bright world

Marcia. You could have taken my appendix out and I wouldn't have cared. What's the most I've ever had?

Howard. Seventy-five milligrams.

Marcia. That twenty-five took me as far as the seventy-five.

Howard. I told you there's a big difference between medications on an empty stomach.

Marcia. A one day fast-but Mini-mouse chomped on a couple of spoonfuls of ice cream. It wasn't a beggar's fast; it was a rich fast. How could I go so deep on twenty-five? I was zonked. Talk about being blown away…Right now I can see the grain of the wood on the door and its all flowing and moving. All right, that's good for the research to know that a day of fasting can make twenty-five milligrams equal to seventy-five. But I didn't even go on a good fast. I took the ice cream but I said, "I'll tell him that I had the ice cream." It was about a tablespoonful. And then I took another tablespoonful. (At this point it seemed extremely important to come clean and confess to having cheated on my fast.)

Howard. I saw you tilting and then I came and laid you down gently.

Marcia. I figured I'd be totally in control. How much time has passed?

Howard. About fifteen minutes. 

Marcia. One thing I know I said is that the music is very very good. Time gets confused. And when there's music playing it makes a link with planet Earth. That is, you have something that everything else is relative to. God, that was deep. I didn't get into the bright world at all, hardly. I just went into the big wheel. Howard. Do you feel waxy?

Marcia. I don't get the same waxy feeling you do. To you the waxy feeling is unpleasant. (As we discussed the wax suddenly I did feel it. Evidently this is a stage of extreme suggestibility.) All right, now I understand that it is just like wax. Even my teeth are made of wax. Yeech. When I'm typing that I'll spell it yeech. That still doesn't convey how my tongue feels going over those waxy teeth. I feel not one iota different from the wax on that candle.

Howard. God, I hate that feeling. It's so artificial. It feels as though you're never going to get back in your body again. That's the fear, that you're never going to function again.

Marcia. The fear of not functioning. And it's a strange fear because there's a part of you that doesn't care if you don't function again. Than there's a part that does.

Howard. Well, you realize you have to.

Marcia. Sometimes there's a battle. It's only when there's an equilibrium that there's a war. You know, Libra is the sign of war. When I'm really under, most of me doesn't care if I never function again. So there's no battle.

Howard. Libra's the sign of war?

Marcia. Yes, because it's in between. You're being pulled this way and that. You know, war and peace. The reason it's a sign of war is because there's a balance. There's no war if there's no balance. The thing just swamps you. When I'm really under I don't care if I never function again. It couldn't matter less. And when I'm not under I'm functioning. So there's no issue. It's just at that moment of emergence that it's like Libra. Libra you see is emergence-emergency. And that's when the war comes on. You're off balance. And then you have your inner war. Like ju-jitsu-it throws you off balance. In a way it was a very nice trip. If I'd taken fifty milligrams I'd have been totally anesthetized. There'd have been no links at all.

Howard. You'd have been just asleep.

Marcia. No, it's really nothing like sleep. I might add that throughout it was a very pleasurable experience. I loved it. The set is incredibly important. I loved the candle. I loved those wings on the Egyptian scarab picture. Even the roach was OK. And the grain of the wood on the door was flowing and moving.

Howard. Is it moving now?

Marcia. Yes, it's still moving. And it's beautiful. But imagine if someone is hacking away inside your stomach and you're this sensitized. No wonder those people at Parke-Davis don't have much understanding of this substance. "Because here you are; you're hypersensitive, and someone's pounding away at your wax. Someone's carving up that wax. Butchering your wax. Naturally it's not going to feel too good.

Howard. Well, don't forget there's a big difference between the amount of the drug you're taking and the dose we're giving for anesthesia. We're giving overwhelming doses, and combining nitrous oxide and oxygen and a muscle relaxant, and believe me you're not anywhere in this world. But we both know that your subconscious is recording it all. That's true with any anesthetic.

Marcia. I really love it. You know how on the cover of the Playboy magazines there's always a bunny. You know how they work that bunny in some way. Sometimes they do it very cleverly. You have to look a long time before you find the bunny. Well, in my ketamine trip there's always a Howard. He's always there, when I get to the very depths of it.

Howard. (Laughing.) Why do you love me so much?