Journeys into the bright world

By now my stay in Seattle was coming to an end. We had already moved Howard's few possessions out of "Sherwood Forest" and into the apartment where he was planning to stay while I returned to Ojai to tie up loose ends at Ananta Ashram. With all our affairs in flux it was natural to wonder if the past could shed some light on what the future might bring. On our last quiet afternoon we decided that Howard would give me the first dose of ketamine and then follow by injecting himself with a similar amount.

Session 3

September 29, 1977   4:30 pm   Seattle   65 mg

Once again I was inward bound, riding the cosmic whirlwind and glad to be on my way. "Drop the body, drop the mind and fly free. There can be no real freedom except the freedom from illusions."

With these thoughts in mind I let the idea of myself as a separate self-serving complex of biological instincts blow behind me like the vaporous trail in the wake of a rocketing jet plane. How marvelous to know that ecstasy lay just around the corner, only a few molecules away from gray skies and our impending separation! The sense of liberation that came with that first lift-off seemed friendlier this time; the wheel not quite so inexorable as it spun on and on. Speech was impossible, yet there was no break in my stream of consciousness as there is in falling asleep. Indeed, I had never been more totally awake.

"Home again." This time "home" seemed to be a more palpable location than the heart of that ever-churning vortex. "Egypt. Who was I in Egypt? What had I been?"

"Look at yourself." Howard commanded. "Open your eyes and look."

To my surprise I saw that Howard was holding a round mirror in which I could see my own face. It was certainly prettier and more youthful than the face I wear in the present embodiment. Yes, it definitely was an Egyptian face. It seemed like the face of a queen and I felt pleased with it. Then the mirror's angle shifted and I saw Howard. He resembled a Hittite warrior of ancient times-but indeed he looks very much that way today, since the blood of these original Assyrian fighting men still runs in his veins. I was fascinated. Alternately I would see his face and mine. Then the two countenances became superimposed.

"How did he manage that?" I wondered, not realizing that actually I was performing the trick in my own mind. Simultaneously I felt that our two souls had flowed together, that we were now inextricably one. It was clear that Howard was feeling the same way. He too had taken his dose and was now with me under the skull-shaped dome of our fused heads.

"Together. Together forever." Were those his words or were they mine? "Together forever…," the words wove round each other like two shining threads flowing into a single strand. His color was gold and mine was violet, yet they were almost indistinguishable like the violet and gold of changeable silk.

My hand reached for the mirror and then became confused because it seemed as though I was already holding it. But it was his larger, darker arm that was outstretched. A bantering dialog therein ensued about who was holding the mirror. I insisted that it was my hand and he replied, no, it was his. A part of me realized that it was indeed Howard's hand that was supporting the mirror, but it seemed so much like mine I couldn't be sure.

As far as my question went, the answer seemed clear. Yes, it was true that living in those other bodies we had known each other before. Moreover, we would come together again and again just like the twisted strands of those words-made-visible. The programming was even now being effectuated.

"Together forever." Now these inter-revolving light streams struck me as being akin to the double helix of the DNA formula for the genetic code. At the same time I felt that the location where our evolution began wasn't truly of this earth. Rather, both past and present instances were projections of an archetypal duo-a queen and a warrior who maintained a continuity of existence above and beyond historical happenstance.

It seemed to me then that the Egyptian queen and the bearded warrior were gazing down at us, just as we were looking up at them with simultaneous awareness of superior and inferior identities. All the time we were trying to grow up to them they were reaching down to us-and this process had been going on over eons. The resultant duality of motion-from above to below and from below to above-was like two piston rods thrusting back and forth to turn the wheels of ongoing creation.