Jingo

It wasn't spying Commander Vimes told himself. Spying was when you crept around peeking in windows. It wasn't spying when you had to stand back a bit so that you weren't deafened.

He reached out without paying attention and struck a match on Sergeant Detritus.

“Dat was me, sir,” said the troll reproachfully.

“Sorry, sergeant,” said Vimes, lighting his cigar.

“It not a problem.”

They returned their attention to the speakers.

It's the wind, thought Vimes. It's bringing something new…

Usually the speakers dealt with all kinds of subjects, many of them on the cusp of sanity or somewhere in the peaceful valleys on the other side. But now they were all monomaniacs.

“—time they were taught a lesson!” screamed the nearest one. “Why don't our so-called masters listen to the voice of the people? Ankh-Morpork has had enough of these swaggering brigands! They steal our fish, they steal our trade and now they're stealing our land!”

It would have been better if people had cheered, Vimes thought. People generally cheered the speakers indiscriminately, to egg them on. But the crowd around this man just seemed to nod approval. He thought: they're actually thinking about what he said…

“They stole my merchandise!” shouted a speaker opposite him. “It's a pirate bloody empire! I was boarded! In Ankh-Morpork waters!”

There was a general self-righteous muttering.

“What did they steal, Mr Jenkins?” said a voice from the crowd.

“A cargo of fine silks!”

The crowd hissed.

“Ah? Not dried fish offal and condemned meat, then? That's your normal cargo, I believe.”

Mr Jenkins strained to look for the speaker.

“Fine silks!” he said. “And what does the city care about that? Nothing!”

There were shouts of “Shame!”

“Has the city been told?” said the enquiring voice.

People started to crane their heads. And then the crowd opened a little, to reveal the figure of Commander Vimes of the City Watch.

“Well, it's… I…” Jenkins began. “Er… I…”

“I care,” said Vimes calmly. “Shouldn't be too hard to track down a cargo of fine silks that stink of fish guts.” There was laughter. Ankh-Morpork people always like some variety in their street theatre.

Vimes apparently spoke to Sergeant Detritus, while keeping his gaze locked on Jenkins. “Detritus, just you go along with Mr Jenkins here, will you? His ship is the Milka, I believe. He'll show you all the lading bills and manifests and receipts and things, and then we can sort him out in jig time.”

There was a clang as Detritus's huge hand came to rest against his helmet.

“Yessir!”

“Er… er… you can't,” said Jenkins quickly. “They… er… stole the paperwork as well…”

“Really? So they can take the stuff back to the shop if it doesn't fit?”

“Er… anyway, the ship's sailed. Yes! Sailed! Got to try and recoup my losses, you know!”

“Sailed? Without its captain?” said Vimes. “So Mr Scoplett is in charge? Your first officer?”

“Yes, yes—”

“Damn!” said Vimes, snapping his fingers theatrically. “That man we've got in the cells on a charge of being Naughtily Drunk last night… we're going to have to charge him with impersonation as well, then? I don't know, more blasted paperwork, the stuff just piles up…”

Mr Jenkins tried to look away but Vimes's stare kept pulling him back. The occasional tremble of a lip suggested that he was preparing a riposte, but he was bright enough to spot that Vimes's grin was as funny as the one that moves very fast towards drowning men. And has a fin on top.

Mr Jenkins made a wise decision, and got down. “I'll.… er… I'll go and sort… I'd better go and… er…” he said, and pushed his way through the mob, which waited a little while to see if anything interesting was going to happen and then, disappointed, sought out other entertainment.

“You want I should go ad have a look at his boat?” said Detritus.

“No, sergeant. There won't be any silk, and there won't be any paperwork. There won't be anything except a lingering aroma of fish guts.”

“Wow, dem damn Klatchians steals everything that ain't nailed down, right?”

Vimes shook his head and strolled on. “They don't have trolls in Klatch, do they?” he said.

“Nossir. It's der heat. Troll brains don't work in der heat. If I was to go to Klatch,” said Detritus, his knuckles making little bink-bink noises as he dragged them over the cobbles, “I'd be really stoopid.”

“Detritus?”

“Yessir?”

“Never go to Klatch.”

“Nossir.”

Another speaker was attracting a much larger crowd. He stood in front of a large banner that proclaimed: GREASY FORANE HANDS OFF LESHP.

“Leshp,” said Detritus. “Now dere's a name that ain't got its teef in.”

“It's the land that came back up from under the sea last week,” said Vimes despondently.

They listened while the speaker proclaimed that Ankh-Morpork had a duty to protect its kith and kin on the new land. Detritus looked puzzled.

“How come dere's dese kiff and kin on dere when it only just come up from under der water?” he said.

“Good question,” said Vimes.

“Dey been holding dere breath?”

“I doubt it.”