It's Kind of a Funny Story

“I don’t know. Like the whole thing is unreal. I didn’t really get any sleep last night.”

“Oh, Craig—if I had known . . . I didn’t know . . .”

I smile. “I love you, Mom. I have to go.” Chris is looking at me.

“I love you. I’m so proud of you.”

I hang up. My mom seems happier about me getting into the hospital than she was about me getting into high school.

I turn to Chris and notice that the room next to him, Room 21, is now occupied. A black guy is in there, sitting up on a stretcher. He’s bald, but not shaved-head bald—old bald with thin white hairs in a halo around him. His face is unshaven; his arms lie on his legs at cross-purposes. He’s skinny, in sweatpants and a white T-shirt covered, from the neck down, with an unidentifiable dark stain. He turns his head toward the wall and I see a scar running from his ear down to his neck. Then he turns back to me. The only thing you can say for him is that he has all his teeth, and they’re white, and he’s smiling.

I slink back into Room 22 and return to watching the guy with the dreads. He’s not writhing anymore; apparently the nurse gave him what he needed, because he’s sitting up, eyes closed, pants rolled up to his knee, scratching everything—his lower leg, chest, face—mumbling and swaying. His scratches are light and don’t seem intended to actually relieve any sort of itch. He rocks back and forth at a slow rhythm that fits in with the beeps, and opens his eyes about a quarter of the way every minute.

Maybe that should be me. If I were on drugs that good, maybe I wouldn’t have time to get depressed. It’s heroin, right? That’s what I need: some heroin.

But I reconsider. First of all, it’d be pretty tough to ask my friends: Hey, who knows where I can get heroin? They’d think it was a joke. Plus it has the worst nicknames: “horse,” right? How could I ask for “horse” with a straight face? And, if I were doing heroin, then I’d be a depressed teenager on heroin. I didn’t need to be that cliché.

“Want some breakfast?” Chris asks, and before I can say no, one of the sad yellow trays is pushed in at me. The tray has a half pint of what appears to be oatmeal, a hardboiled egg squished into a lidded Styrofoam container, a coffee (I can tell, because the lid is stained with coffee), a foil-topped cuplet of orange juice, and a piece of wheat bread individually sealed from the elements. Also a fork, spoon, knife, salt, pepper, sugar. It disgusts me. I have no interest in any of it. But they might be monitoring me, so I open the bread and force myself to eat it strip by strip, chasing it with orange juice. I ask one of the nurses for a tea and she brings me another coffee. I sniff the coffee but it smells pretty dangerous, so, just to annoy him, I offer some to Chris.

“Got my own,” he says, and holds up a popular worldwide brand of coffee. It’s strange to see brand names in the hospital.

As Chris yaks on his cell phone (I’d like to know what company gives you service in here; they could like, use it on a commercial: a guy behind padded walls, “Can you hear me now?"), Dr. Data comes back with forms for me to sign about my age and residence. She also brings forms to the older man next to me, the one in Room 21.

“How’re you doing, Jimmy?” she asks in there. She has to talk very loud.

“I toldja: it come to ya!” he yells back in a succinct Southern voice.

She makes a tsk tsk noise. “How’d you get back in here, Jimmy? We didn’t think we would see you for a long time.”

“I, I, I woke up, and the bed was on fire.”

It’s pretty clear at this point that Mom is going to be late. She’s probably trying to pack me an activity bag. I should really get some sleep. I crash on the stretcher with my hoodie draped dejectedly over my head, but there are way too many thoughts in my brain. What am I going to do? It’s starting to hit me under there. I’m in the hospital. I’m supposed to do stuff tonight. There’s a party—a big one—at Aaron’s house. Am I going to be able to go? And if I don’t go, what will I say? And what’s the alternative? Will I stay home and try to work but not be able to and end up with another sleepless night? I can’t have another sleepless night.

How do you know when you’ve hit bottom? Real bottom involves being on the street, I think, not in a hospital. But the Cycling is starting and I can’t deal with it and it feels like bottom. I sit up, throw the hoodie off.

“Can I use the bathroom?” I ask Chris.

He leads me past the chatty Hispanic patients to a chrome-and-tile bathroom that’s probably seen some bad action. He stays outside. I look around and muse at how I would kill myself in here if I really needed to—I’d have to crush my head in the toilet seat. Ouch. I haven’t even seen that in a horror movie. I look at the toilet and decide to stand. I’m not going to sit down like the world’s beaten pup anymore. I stand, push hard, wash my hands, and step out.

“Wow, that was quick,” says Chris.