Interesting Times

No-one was deserting. Running off into a night full of non-specific terrors was worse than staying in camp. But that was all to the good, he decided. It meant that the really frightened people were staying put and seeking reassurance from their comrades. And there was nothing like someone repeating 'I'm sure there's no vampire wizards' and going to the latrine four times an hour to put backbone into a platoon.

Rincewind crept back towards the city, rounded a tent in the shadows, and collided with a horse, which trod heavily on his foot.

'Your wife is a big hippo!'

SORRY.

Rincewind froze, both hands clutching his aching foot. He knew only one person with a voice like a cemetery in midwinter.

He tried to hop backwards, and collided with another horse.

RINCEWIND, ISN'T IT? said Death. YES. GOOD EVENING. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE MET WAR. RINCEWIND, WAR. WAR, RINCEWIND.

War touched his helmet in salute.

'Pleasure's all mine,' he said. He indicated the other three riders. 'Like to introduce you to m'sons, Terror and Panic. And m'daughter, Clancy.'

The children chorused a 'hello'. Clancy was scowling, looked about seven years old and was wearing a hard hat and a Pony Club badge.

I WASN'T EXPECTING TO SEE YOU HERE, RINCEWIND.

'Oh. Good.'

Death pulled an hourglass out of his robe, held it up to the moonlight, and sighed. Rincewind craned to see how much sand was left.

HOWEVER, I COULD-—

'Don't you make any special arrangement just on my account,' said Rincewind hurriedly. 'I, er... I expect you're all here for the battle?'

YES. IT PROMISES TO BE EXTREMELY - SHORT.

'Who's going to win?'

NOW, YOU KNOW I WOULDN'T TELL YOU THAT, EVEN IF I KNEW.

'Even if you knew?' said Rincewind. 'I thought you were supposed to know everything!'

Death held up a finger. Something fluttered down through the night. Rincewind thought it was a moth, although it looked less fluffy and had a strange speckled pattern on its wings.

It settled on the extended digit for a moment, and then flew up and away again.

ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS, said Death, THE ONLY CERTAIN THING IS UNCERTAINTY. TRITE, I KNOW, BUT TRUE.

Somewhere on the horizon, thunder rumbled.

'I'll, er, just be sort of going, then,' said Rincewind.

DON'T BE A STRANGER, said Death, as the wizard hurried off.

'Odd person,' said War.

WITH HIM HERE, EVEN UNCERTAINTY IS UNCERTAIN. AND I'M NOT SURE EVEN ABOUT THAT.

War pulled a large paper-wrapped package out of his saddlebag.

'We've got... let's see now... Egg and Cress, Chicken Tikka, and Mature Cheese with Crunchy Pickle, I think.'

THEY DO SUCH MARVELLOUS THINGS WITH SANDWICHES THESE DAYS.

'Oh... and Bacon Surprise.'

REALLY? WHAT IS SO SURPRISING ABOUT BACON?

'I don't know. I suppose it comes as something of a shock to the pig.'

Ridcully had been having a long wrestle with himself, and had won.

'We're going to bring him back,' he said. 'It's been four days. And then we can send them back their bloody tube thing. It gives me the willies.'

The senior wizards looked at one another. No-one was very keen on a university with a Rincewind component, but the metal dog did give them the willies. No-one had wanted to go near it. They'd piled some tables around it and tried to pretend it wasn't there.

'All right,' said the Dean. 'But Stibbons kept going on about things weighing the same, right? If we send that back, won't it mean Rincewind arrives here going very fast?'

'Mr Stibbons says he's working on the spell,' said Ridcully. 'Or we could pile some mattresses up at one end of the hall or something.'

The Bursar raised a hand.

'Yes, Bursar?' said Ridcully encouragingly.

'Ho, landlord, a pint of your finest ale!' said the Bursar.

'Good,' said Ridcully. 'That's settled, then. I've already told Mr Stibbons to start looking...'

'On that demonic device?'

'Yes.'

Then nothing can possibly go wrong,' said the Dean sourly.

'A trumpet of lobsters, if you would be so good.'

'And the Bursar agrees.'

The warlords had gathered in Lord Hong's chambers. They carefully kept a distance from one another, as befitted enemies who were in the most shaky of alliances. Once the barbarians were dealt with, the battle might still continue. But they wanted assurance on one particular point.

'No!' said Lord Hong. 'Let me make this absolutely clear! There is no invisible army of blood-sucking ghosts, do you understand? The people beyond the Wall are just like us - except vastly inferior in every respect, of course. But totally visible.'

One or two of the lords did not look convinced.

'And all this talk about the Red Army?' said one of them.

'The Red Army, Lord Tang, is an undisciplined rabble that shall be put down with resolute force!'

'You know what Red Army the peasants are talking about,' said Lord Tang. 'They say that thousands of years ago it—'