Interesting Times

'He said that going into the Forbidden City is certain death!'

'No. It's only probable death. I assure you, if you run away from me again that is certain death.'

The sack was pulled away.

The face immediately in front of him was that of Lotus Blossom, and a man could see a lot worse things with his daylight than her face, which made him think of cream and masses of butter and just the right amount of salt.

One of the things he might see, for example, was the face of Two Fire Herb. This was not a nice face. It was podgy and had tiny little pupils in its eyes, and looked like a living example of the fact that although the people could be oppressed by kings and emperors and mandarins, the job could often be done just as well by the man next door.

'Great Wizard? Hah!' Two Fire Herb said now.

'He can do it!' said Lotus Blossom (and cream cheese, thought Rincewind, and maybe coleslaw on the side). 'He is the Great Wizard come back to us! Did he not guide the Master through the lands of ghosts and blood-sucking vampires?'

'Oh, I wouldn't say—' Rincewind began.

'Such a great wizard allowed you to bring him here in a sack?' said Two Fire Herb, sneering. 'Let us see him do some conjuring...'

'A truly great wizard would not stoop to doing party tricks!' said Lotus Blossom.

'That's right,' said Rincewind. 'Not stoop.'

'Shame on Herb to suggest such a thing!'

'Shame,' Rincewind agreed.

'Besides, he will need all of his power to enter the Forbidden City,' said Butterfly. Rincewind found himself hating the sound of her voice.

'Forbidden City,' he murmured.

'Everyone knows there are terrible snares and traps and many, many guards.'

'Snares, traps...'

'Why, if his magic should fail him because he did tricks for Herb, he would find himself in the deepest dungeon, dying by inches.'

'Inches... er... which particular inch—'

'So much shame to Two Fire Herb!'

Rincewind gave her a sickly grin.

'Actually,' he said, 'I'm not that great. I'm a bit great,' he added quickly, as Butterfly began to frown, but not very great—'

'The writings of the Master say that you defeated many powerful enchanters and resolutely succeeded in dangerous situations.'

Rincewind nodded glumly. It was more or less true. But most of the time he hadn't intended to. Whereas the Forbidden City had looked... well... forbidden. It didn't look inviting. It didn't look as though it sold postcards. The only souvenir they were likely to give you would be, perhaps, your teeth. In a bag.

'Er... I expect this Oxen lad is in some deep dungeon, yes?'

'The deepest,' said Two Fire Herb.

'And... you've never seen anyone again? Who's been taken prisoner, I mean.'

'We have seen bits of them,' said Lotus Blossom.

'Usually their heads,' said Two Fire Herb. 'On spikes over the gates.'

'But not Three Yoked Oxen,' said Lotus Blossom firmly. 'The Great Wizard has spoken!'

'Actually, I'm not sure I actually said—'

'You have spoken,' said Butterfly firmly.

As Rincewind got accustomed to the gloom he realized that he was in some storeroom or cellar; the noise of the city came, rather muffled, from grilles near the ceiling. It was half full of barrels and bundles, and every one of them was a perch for someone. The room was crowded.

The people were watching him with expressions of rapt attention, but that wasn't the only thing they had in common.

Rincewind turned right around.

'Who are all these children?' he said.

'This,' said Lotus Blossom, 'is the Hunghung cadre of the Red Army.'

Two Fire Herb snorted.

'Why did you tell him that?' he said. 'Now we may have to kill him.'

'But they're all so young!'

'They may be underprivileged in years,' said Two Fire Herb, 'but they are ancient in courage and honour.'

'And experienced in fighting?' said Rincewind hotly. 'The guards I've seen do not look like nice people. I mean, do you even have any weapons?'

'We will wrest the weapons we need from our enemies!' said Two Fire Herb. A cheer went up.

'Really? How do you actually make them let go?' said Rincewind. He pointed to a very small girl, who leaned away from his digit as though it were loaded. She looked about seven and was holding a toy rabbit.

'What's your name?'

'One Favourite Pearl, Great Wizard!'

'And what do you do in the Red Army?'

'I have earned a medal for putting up of wall posters, Great Wizard.''

'What... like "Slightly Bad Things Please Happen To Our Enemies"? That sort of thing?'

'Er...' said the girl, looking imploringly at Butterfly.

'Rebellion is not easy for us,' said the older girl. 'We don't have... experience.'

'Well, I'm here to tell you that you don't do it by singing songs and putting up posters and fighting bare-handed,' said Rincewind. 'Not when you're up against real people with real weapons. You...' His voice trailed away as he realized that a hundred pairs of eyes were watching him intently, and two hundred ears were carefully listening.