Interesting Times

He chided himself for this kind of negative thinking. That was not the right approach. What he should do was go in and order a large, nourishing meal. Then instead of being hungry with no money he'd be well fed with no money, a net gain on his current position. Of course, the world was likely to raise some objections, but in Rincewind's experience there were few problems that couldn't be solved with a scream and a good ten yards' start. And, of course, he would just have had a strengthening meal.

Besides, he liked Hunghungese food. A few refugees had opened restaurants in Ankh-Morpork and Rincewind considered himself something of an expert on the dishes.

The one huge room was thick with smoke and, insofar as this could be determined through the swirls and coils, quite busy. A couple of old men were sitting in front of a complicated pile of ivory tiles, playing Shibo Yangcong-san. He wasn't sure what they were smoking but, by the looks on their faces, they were happy they'd chosen it.

Rincewind made his way to the fireplace, where a skinny man was tending a cauldron.

He gave him a cheery smile. 'Good morning! Can I partake of your famous delicacy "Meal A for two People with extra Prawn Cracker"?'

'Never heard of it.'

'Um. Then... could I see a painful ear... a croak of a frog... a menu?'

'What's a menu, friend?'

Rincewind nodded. He knew what it meant when a stranger called you 'friend' like that. No-one who called someone else 'friend' was feeling very kindly disposed.

'What is there to eat, I meant.'

'Noodles, boiled cabbage and pork whiskers.'

'Is that all?'

'Pork whiskers don't grow on trees, san.'

'I've been seeing water buffalo all day,' Rincewind said. 'Don't you people ever eat beef?'

The ladle splashed into the cauldron. Somewhere behind him a shibo tile dropped on to the floor. The back of Rincewind's head prickled under the stares.

'We don't serve rebels in this place,' said the landlord loudly.

Probably too meaty, Rincewind thought. But it seemed to him that the words had been addressed to the world in general rather than to him.

'Glad to hear it,' he said, 'because—'

'Yes indeed,' said the landlord, a little louder. 'No rebels welcome here.'

'That's fine by me, because—'

'If I knew of any rebels I would be certain to alert the authorities,' the landlord bellowed.

'I'm not a rebel, I'm just hungry,' said Rincewind. 'I'd, er, like a bowlful, please.'

A bowl was filled. Rainbow patterns shimmered on its oily surface.

'That'll be half a rhinu,' said the landlord.

'You mean you want me to pay before I eat it?' said Rincewind.

'You might not want to afterwards, friend.'

A rhinu was more gold than Rincewind had ever owned. He patted his pockets theatrically.

'In fact, it seems that—' he began. There was a small thump beside him. What I Did On My Holidays had fallen on to the floor.

'Yes, thank you, that will do nicely,' said the landlord to the room at large. He pushed the bowl into Rincewind's hand and, in one movement, scooped up the booklet and crammed it back into the wizard's pocket.

'Go and sit down in the corner!' he hissed. 'And you'll be told what to do!'

'But I'm sure I know what to do. Dip spoon in bowl, raise spoon to mouth—'

'Sit down!'

Rincewind found the darkest corner and sat down. People were still watching him.

To avoid the group gaze he pulled out What I Did and opened it at random, in an effort to find out why it had a magical effect on the landlord.

'... sold me a bun containing what was called a [complicated pictogram] made entirely of the inside of pigs [urinating dog]' he read. 'And such as these could be bought for small coin at any time, and so replete were the citizens that hardly any bought these [com-plicated pictogram] from the stall of [complicated pictogram, but it seemed to involve a razor]-san.'

Sausages filled with pig parts, thought Rincewind. Well, perhaps they might be amazing if, up until then, a bowl of dishwater with something congealing on the top of it had been your idea of a hearty meal.

Hah! Mister What-I-Did-On-My-Holidays should try coming to Ankh-Morpork next time, and see how much he liked one of old... Dibbler's sausages...ull of genuine... pig product...

The spoon splashed into the bowl.

Rincewind turned the pages hurriedly.

'... peaceful streets, along which I walked, were quite free of crime and brigandage...'

'Of course they were, you four-eyed little git!' shouted Rincewind. 'That was because it was all happening to me!'

'... a city where all men are free...'

'Free? Free? Well, yes, free to starve, get robbed by the Thieves' Guild... ' said Rincewind to the book.

He fumbled through to another page.

'... my companion was the Great Wizard [complicated pictogram, but now that Rincewind studied it he realized with a plummeting heart it had a few lines that looked like the Agatean for 'wind'], the most prominent and powerful wizard in the entire country...'