Interesting Times

The eunuch looked anxiously around the table, grabbed his scrolls and brushes and scuttled out.

'Good,' said Lord Hong. He nodded at the other warlords. He saved a special friendly nod for Lord Tang. Lord Hong had prodded the thought with some intrigued interest, but it really did seem that Lord Tang was a man of honour. It was a rather cowed and crabbed honour, but it was definitely in there somewhere, and would have to be dealt with.

'It would be better in any case, my lords, if we spoke in private,' he said. 'On the matter of the rebels. Disturbing intelligence has reached me of their activities.'

Lord McSweeney nodded. 'I have seen to it that thirty rebels in Sum Dim have been executed,' he said. 'As an example.'

As an example of the mindlessness of Lord McSweeney, thought Lord Hong. To his certain knowledge, and none had better knowledge than he, there had not even been a cadre of the Red Army in Sum Dim. But, almost certainly, there was one now. It was really too easy.

The other warlords also made small but proud speeches about their efforts to turn barely noticeable unrest into bloody revolution, although they hadn't managed to see it like that.

They were nervous, under the bravado, like sheep-dogs who'd had a glimpse of a world where the sheep did not run.

Lord Hong cherished the nervousness. He intended to use it, by and by. He smiled and smiled.

Finally he said: 'However, my lords, despite your sterling efforts the situation remains grave. I have infomation that a very senior wizard from Ankh-Morpork has arrived to assist the rebels here in Hunghung, and that there is a plot to overthrow the good organization of the celestial world and assassin-ate the Emperor, may he live for ten thousand years. I must naturally assume that the foreign devils are be-hind this.'

'I know nothing of this!' snapped Lord Tang.

'My dear Lord Tang. I was not suggesting that you should,' said Lord Hong.

'I meant—' Lord Tang began.

'Your devotion to the Emperor is unquestioned,' Lord Hong continued, as smoothly as a knife through warm butter. 'It is true that there is almost certainly someone highly placed assisting these people, but not one shred of evidence points to you,'

'I should hope not!'

'Indeed.'

The Lords Fang and McSweeney moved very slightly away from Lord Tang.

'How can we have let this happen?' said Lord Fang. 'Certainly it is true that people, foolish deranged people, have sometimes ventured out beyond the Wall. But to let one come back—'

'I am afraid the Grand Vizier at the time was a man of changeable humours,' said Lord Hong. 'He thought it would be interesting to see what intelligence was brought back.'

'Intelligence?' said Lord Fang. 'This city of Ank... More... Pork is an abomination! Mere anarchy! There appear to be no nobles of consequence and the society is that of a termite nest! It would be better for us, my lords, if it was wiped from the face of the world!'

'Your incisive comments are duly noted, Lord Fang,' said Lord Hong, while part of him rolled on the floor laughing. 'In any event,' he went on, 'I shall see that extra guards are posted in the Emperor's chambers However all this trouble began, we must see that it ends here.'

He watched them watching him. They think I want to rule the Empire, he thought. So they're all - except for Lord Tang, rebel fellow traveller as he will undoubtedly prove to be - working out how this will be to their advantage...

He dismissed them, and retired to his chambers.

It was a fact that the ghosts and devils who lived beyond the Wall had no grasp of culture and certainly no concept of books, and being in possession of such a patently impossible object was punishable by eventual death. And confiscation.

Lord Hong had built up quite a library. He had even acquired maps.

And more than maps. There was a box he kept locked, in the room with the full-length mirror...

Not now. Later on...

Ankh-Morpork! Even the name sounded rich.

All he needed was a year. The dreadful scourge of the rebellion would allow him to wield the kind of powers that even the maddest Emperor had not dreamed of. And then it would be unthinkable not to build a vengeful fleet to wreak terror on the foreign devils. Thank you, Lord Fang. Your point is duly noted.

As if it mattered who was Emperor! The Empire was possibly a bonus, to be acquired later, perhaps, in passing. Let him just have Ankh-Morpork, with its busy dwarfs and its grasp, above all, of machinery. Look at the Barking Dogs. Half the time they blew up. They were inaccurate. The principle was sound but the execution was terrible, especially when they blew up.

It had come as a revelation to Lord Hong when he looked at the problem the Ankh-Morpork way and realized that it might just possibly be better to give the job of Auspicious Dog-maker to some peasant with a fair idea about metal and explosive earths than to some clerk who'd got the highest marks in an examination to find the best poem about iron. In Ankh-Morpork people did things.