Induction

Our clothes situation was bad. We had only the clothes on our back and a few items left from the boat owner. Our laundry situation was even worse. We had no detergent, so our clothes had begun to get ratty from washing them in salt water. Books though, now that was something we had coming out of our ass. There was something for everyone, even Gabby. Reading helped with the extreme boredom.

Noelle was about to burst. She had gotten so big that the clothes she wore just weeks ago wouldn’t fit around her belly anymore. We all waited on her hand and foot to make sure she didn’t stress herself into an early labor. The baby was due in a few weeks’ time and we were all nervous about it. I had passed my obstetrics class with an A, but only got to witness one live birth during my clinical time. It was expected that I would deliver the baby. Talk about pressure. The one thing I was sure of was that we weren’t set up to deliver a baby on the boat. I made a mental note to discuss a supply run with Seth first thing in the morning. Honestly, I chastised myself for not thinking of it sooner.

Adam and I fished daily. It was actually quite therapeutic. I hadn’t gotten over my aversion to fish, but it became the lesser of two evils, since the alternative was to starve. Daphne, on the other hand, lived like a queen. Gone were the days of dry kibble. We rowed out a bit so the current didn’t drag us too close to land and then cast out our lines. Sometimes it took hours just to get a nibble, and that was just fine with me. The boat, even as big as it was, had begun to feel cramped. We were essentially living in a floating prison.

“I’ve got one for you,” Adam told me. He looked so serious I had no idea what he was going to say. “What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? We better get some support before someone thinks we’re nuts!” I spit the water I’d been drinking all over him as I roared with laughter. It felt so good to laugh. The last month had been fraught with sadness and loss, and the temporary respite was something I really needed.

I wracked my brain for something to follow up with. “My turn! What kind of bee makes milk instead of honey?” He scrunched up his face like he was deep in thought. I let him think for a minute then delivered my witty punch line. “Boo-bees.” This was followed by another round of laughter from both of us.

We settled back into silence. Adam was staring off into the vast, empty water. I looked at him, I mean really looked at him. His sandy blond hair outlined his chiseled face with messy curls in desperate need of a trip to the barber. He had bright blue eyes the color of a Caribbean ocean, and dimples appeared whenever he smiled. His shirt lay in a crumpled heap on the bottom of the boat as he sunned his bare chest. The way he leaned back on the boat caused his abs to stick out in a perfect six-pack. The urge to reach out and touch his chest took me by surprise, and I shook my head to clear it. I gave myself a mental slap in the face and cleared my throat.

“Um, maybe we should head back. It’s getting late, and I want to check on Noelle.”

Adam looked at me sideways as if to say what are you, crazy? I looked away as my cheeks burned with shame and embarrassment. I was disgusted with myself. My husband was out there, possibly dead, possibly alive and fighting for his life, and I was drooling over another man’s abs. The contempt I felt for myself must have shown on my face.

“What’s wrong? Is everything okay?”

“Fine,” I muttered, and picked up the oars. Adam reached to take them from me and I snapped at him. “I’ve got it. I’m not useless.” My rudeness had hurt him, and I felt like even more of a jackass. “I’m sorry, I was just thinking about Jake. I miss him. I wish there was some way to find him. Or at least steer him in the right direction to find us.”

Adam bit his lip. I knew the group was walking on eggshells around me. They wanted me to accept that Jake had perished. I wouldn’t—couldn’t—accept that. Without hope I had nothing left to tie me to sanity. Sighing heavily, I gave him the nudge he needed to go for it. “Just say it, Adam.”

“Emma, I care about you. You’ve become a friend. As your friend, I need to tell you what you’re doing isn’t healthy. I know what it’s like to lose the most important person in your life. Fuck, we all do. We’re all struggling with our grief and getting through it the best we can. That’s the problem. You refuse to grieve. How can you heal if you’re in denial?”

“Jesus, Adam. What do you think? You think I haven’t watched all our friends lose loved ones? I get that you’re all grieving their deaths. Don’t you get it? You know they died, beyond a shadow of a doubt. But I’m just supposed to assume Jake is dead just because he isn’t here with me? Well I’m sorry. I can’t do that. I won’t give up on him. Not until I see it with my own eyes.”