I've Got Your Number

“Would you like another drink?” I say as charmingly as I can. “And then maybe you could tell me what you do. Sam said you were an investor? In … fitness equipment?”

David scowls and drains his glass. “I was in that line for a while. Too much health and safety, that’s the problem with that game. Too many inspectors. Too many namby-pamby rules. Another double whiskey, if you’re buying.”

I order the whiskey and a large glass of wine for myself, rigid with mortification. I still can’t believe how wrong I called this. I am never interfering in anyone’s emails ever, ever again.

“And after fitness equipment?” I prompt him. “What did you do then?”

“Well.” David Robinson leans back and cracks his knuckles. “Then I went down the self-tanning route … ”

Half an hour later, my mind is numbed. Is there any business this man hasn’t been in? Each story seems to follow the same pattern. The same phrases have been rolled out every time. Unique opportunity, I mean, unique, Poppy … serious investment … on the brink … megabucks, I mean, megabucks, Poppy … events outside my control … damn stupid banks … shortsighted investors … bloody regulation …

There’s been no sign of Sam. No sign of Vicks. Nothing in my phone. I’m almost beside myself with tension, wondering what’s going on. Meanwhile, David has sunk two whiskeys, torn into three packets of crisps, and is now scooping up a dish of hummus with taco chips.

“Interested in children’s entertainment, are you, Poppy?” he suddenly says.

Why would I be interested in children’s entertainment?

“Not really,” I say politely, but he ignores me. He’s produced a brown furry animal glove puppet from his briefcase and is dancing it round the table.

“Mr. Wombat. Goes down a storm with the kids. Want to have a go?”

No, I do not want to have a go. But, in the interests of keeping the conversation going, I shrug. “OK.”

I have no idea what to do with a glove puppet, but David seems galvanized as soon as I have it on my hand.

“You’re a natural! You take these along to a kids’ party, playground, whatever, they fly. And the beauty is the profit margin. Poppy, you would not believe it.” He smacks the table. “Plus, it’s flexible. You can sell them around your daytime job. I’ll show you the whole kit… .” He reaches into his briefcase again and produces a plastic folder.

I stare at him in bewilderment. What does he mean, sell them? He surely doesn’t mean …

“Have I spelled your name right?” He looks up from writing on the folder, and I gape at it. Why is he writing my name on the front of a folder entitled Mr. Wombat Official Franchise Agreement?

“What you’d do is take a small consignment at first. Say … a hundred units.” He waves a hand airily. “You’ll sell that in a day, easy. Especially with our new free gift, Mr. Magical.” He places a plastic wizard on the table and twinkles at me. “The next step is the exciting one. Recruitment!”

“Stop!” I rip the glove puppet off. “I don’t want to sell glove puppets! I’m not doing this!”

David doesn’t even seem to hear me. “Like I say, it’s totally flexible. It’s all profit, direct to you, into your pocket—”

“I don’t want any profit in my pocket!” I lean across the bar table. “I don’t want to join! Thanks anyway!” For good measure I take his pen and cross through Poppy Wyatt on the folder, and David flinches as though I’ve wounded him.

“Well! No need for that! Just trying to do you a favor.”

“I appreciate it.” I try to sound polite. “But I don’t have time to sell wombats. Or … ” I pick up the wizard. “Who’s this? Dumbledore?”

It’s all so random. What’s a magician got to do with a wombat, anyway?

“No!” David seems mortally offended. “It’s not Dumbledore. This is Mr. Magical. New TV series. Next big thing. It was all lined up.”

“Was? What happened?”

“It’s been temporarily canceled,” he says stiffly. “But it’s still a very exciting product. Versatile, unbreakable, popular with both girls and boys. I could let you have five hundred units for … two hundred pounds?”

Is he nuts?

“I don’t want any plastic wizards,” I say as politely as I can. “Thanks anyway.” A thought suddenly crosses my mind. “How many of these Mr. Magicals have you got, then?”

David looks as though he doesn’t want to answer the question. At last he says, “I believe my current stock is ten thousand,” and takes a glug of whiskey.

Ten thousand? Oh my God. Poor David Robinson. I feel quite sorry for him now. What’s he going to do with ten thousand plastic wizards? I dread to ask how many wombats he’s got.

“Maybe Sam will know someone who wants to sell them,” I say encouragingly. “Someone with children.”

“Maybe.” David raises his eyes lugubriously from his drink. “Tell me something. Does Sam still blame me for flooding his house?”

“He hasn’t mentioned it,” I say honestly.