How To Be An Alien

(b) Do not call foreign lawyers, teachers, dentists, commercial travellers and estate agents “Doctor.” Everyone knows that the little word “doctor” only means they are Central Europeans. This is painful enough in itself, you do not need to remind people of it all the time.

The Weather

This is the most important topic in the land. Do not be misled by memories of your youth when, on the Continent, wanting to describe someone as exceptionally dull, you remarked: “He is the type who would discuss the weather with you.” In England this is an ever-interesting, even thrilling topic, and you must be good as discussing the weather.

Examples for conversation
For Good Weather	For Bad Weather
“Lovely day, isn't it?”	“Nasty day, isn't it?”
“Isn't it beautiful?”	“Isn't it dreadful?”
“The sun ...”	“The rain ... I hate the rain ...”
“Isn't it gorgeous?”	“I don't like it at all. Do you?”
“Wonderful, isn't it?”	“Fancy such a day in July. Rain in the morning, then a bit of sunshine, and then rain, rain, rain all day long.”
“It's so nice and hot ...”	“I remember exactly the same July day in 1936.”
“Personally, I think it's so nice when it's hot — isn't it?”	“Yes, I remember too.”
“I adore it — don't you?”	“Or was it in 1928?”
	“Yes, it was.”
	“Or in 1939?”
	“Yes, that's right.”

Now observe the last few sentences of this conversation. A very important rule emerges from it. You must never contradict anybody when discussing the weather. Should it hail and snow, should hurricanes uproot the trees from the sides of the road, and should someone remark to you: “Nice day, isn't it?” — answer without hesitation: “Isn't it lovely?”

Learn the above conversation by heart. If you are a bit slow in picking things up, learn at least one conversation, it would do wonderfully for any occasion.

If you do not say anything else for the rest of your life, just repeat this conversation, you still have a fair chance of passing as a remarkably witty man of sharp intellect, keen observation and extremely pleasant manners.

English society is a class society, strictly organised almost on corporative lines. If you doubt this, listen to the weather forecasts. There is always a different weather forecast for farmers. You often hear statements like this on the radio:

“Tomorrow it will be cold, cloudy and foggy; long periods of rain will be interrupted by short periods of showers.”

And then:

“Weather forecast for farmers. It will be fair and warm, many hours of sunshine.”

You must not forget that farmers do grand work of national importance and deserve better weather.

It happened on innumerable occasions that nice, warm weather had been forecast and rain and snow fell all day long, or vice versa. Some people jumped rashly to the conclusion that something must be wrong with the weather forecasts. They are mistaken and should be more careful with their allegations.

I have read an article in one of the Sunday papers and now I can tell you what the situation really is. All troubles are caused by anti-cyclones. (I don't quite know what anti-cyclones are, but this is not important; I hate cyclones and am very anti-cyclone myself.) The two naughtiest anti-cyclones are the Azores and the Polar anti-cyclones.

The British meteorologists forecast the right weather — as it really should be — and then these impertinent little anti-cyclones interfere and mess up everything.

That again proves that if the British kept to themselves and did not mix with foreign things like Polar and Azores anti-cyclones they would be much better off.

Soul and Understatement

Foreigners have souls; the English haven't.

On the Continent you find any amount of people who sigh deeply for no conspicuous reason, yearn, suffer and look in the air extremely sadly. This is soul.

The worst kind of soul is the great Slav soul. People who suffer from it are usually very deep thinkers. They may say things like this: “Sometimes I am so merry and sometimes I am so sad. Can you explain why?” (You cannot, do not try.) Or they may say: “I am so mysterious ... I sometimes wish I were somewhere else than where I am.” (Do not say: “I wish you were.”) Or “When I am alone in the forest at night-time and jump from one tree to another, I often think that life is so strange.”