Galactic Dreams

“… even though it is a palace it is still my home, and it is too small by far with my new stepmother, who is a bitz. I had hoped to continue in my philosophy studies, but it is impossible here. Guess I better run the army down to the border; there may be trouble there.”

Alexander, Macedonia, 336 B.C

“… hot is not Ye word for it, and all of VIRGINIA is like an Oven this summer. When Opportunity arose to earn a little l. s. d. running a Survey line through the hills I grabbed it before M.F. could change his Minde. That is how I met today (forgot his name, must ask him tomorrow) in the Taverne. We did have an Ale together and did both complain mightily upon the Heat. With one thing leading to Another as they are wont to do, we had more Ales and he did Confide in me. He is a member of a secret club named, I think since Memory is hazy here, The Sons of Liberty, or some such ….”

George Washington, 1765

“France has lost its greatness when an honest inventor gains no profit from his onerous toil. I have neglected my practice for months now, perfecting my handy Hacker Supreme Salami Slicer. I should have earned a fortune selling the small models to every butcher in France. But no! the Convention uses the large model without paying a sou to me, and the butchers are naturally reluctant now to purchase.”

J. I. Guillotine, M.D., 1791

“My head doth ache as though I suffereth an ague, and if I ever chance on the slippery-fingered soddish son of an illtempered whore who dropped that night-vessel in Fetter Lane, I will roundly thrash him to within an inch of his life, and perhaps a bit beyond. Since arrival in London I have learned the neatness of step and dexterity of motion needed to avoid the contents of the many vessels emptied into the street, but this is the first time there was need to dodge the container itself. Had I moved a trifle quicker this body, of crockery in motion would have continued in motion. But my head doth ache. As soon as it is better I must think on this; there is the shade of an idea here.”

Sir Isaac Newton, 1682

“I. is afraid that F. knows! If he does I have had it. If I. was not so seductively attractive I would find someone else’s bed-but she does lead me on so. She says she can sell some of her jewelry and buy those three ships she was looking at. The last place I want to go is to the damn Spice Islands, right now at the height of the Madrid season. But F. is king, and if he finds out …!”

(Attributed to Cristoforo Colombo of Genoa, 1492, but derivation is obscure.)

“Am I glad I got little Pierre the Erector Set. As soon as he is asleep I’ll grab the funny tower he just made. I know the Exposition Committee won’t use anything like this, but it will keep them quiet for a while.”

Alexandre Gustave Eiffel, 1888

“Woe unto China! Crop failures continue this year and the depression is getting worse. Millions unemployed. The only plan that seems at all workable is this construction project that Wah-Ping-Ah is so hot about. He says it will give a shot in the arm to the economy and get the cash circulating again. But what a screwball idea! Build a wall fifteen hundred miles long! He wants to use his own initials and call it the WPA project, but I’m going to call it something different and tell the people it’s to keep the barbarians out, as you can always sell them on defense appropriations if you scare them enough.”

Emperor Shih Hwang-ti, 252 B.C.

“There will be a full moon tonight so I’ll have enough light to find that balcony. I hate to take a chance going near that crazy family, but Maria is the hottest piece of baggage in town! She made her kid sister Julie, the buck-toothed wonder! promise to have the window unlocked.”

Romeus Montague, 1562 (Extract from the ship’s log.)

“Made a landfall today on a hunk of rock. What navigation! We head for Virginia and end up in Massachusetts! If I ever catch the Quaker brat who stole the compass …!!!”

The brig Mayflower, 1620

There are many more like this, but these samples will suffice to prove that Professor Hakachinik was a genius far ahead of his time, and a man to whom the students of history owe an immeasurable debt.