Frog

They say you went to Jinan and roamed the streets until you saw an old fellow wandering aimlessly, and when you asked him why he was crying, he said he’d gone out for a walk and now couldn’t find his way back. You saw him home. The old fellow’s son was the head of the Jinan Supply and Marketing Department, and he rewarded your good deed by declaring himself to be your sworn brother. And that is how you were able to acquire cigarettes wholesale.

Chen had a big laugh over that. Are you writing a novel, young man? he said when he finished laughing. Now I’ll tell you the real story. I’ve flown on aeroplanes many times, and I’ve bought my own ticket for every flight. I do have friends at the Jinan tobacco plant, and they sold me cigarettes at a slim discount, enough for me to make three fen per pack.

No matter what you say, you’re someone who knows how to get things done, my cousin said with heartfelt admiration. My dad wants me to become your apprentice.

The one who really knows how to get things done is right here, Chen Bi said, pointing to Yuan Sai. He’s conversant with heavenly principles and earthly truths. He knows everything that happened five hundred years ago and half of what will happen five hundred years from now. He’s the master you’re looking for.

Elder Brother Yuan is a great man too, my cousin said. He set up his fortune-telling stand back home in the Xia Village marketplace, where we know him as the Little Immortal. When an old hen in my aunt’s house went missing, Elder Brother Yuan curled his fingers and said, Ducks on the river, chickens in the grass. Go see if there’s a grassy nest. Well, that’s exactly where we found it.

He’s not just a diviner, Chen Bi said. He can do lots of things. If he taught you even one of them, you’d have enough to live on for the rest of your life.

Kowtow to the master, Wuguan said.

No, the things I do are appropriate only for someone in the lower walks of society who’s eking out a living. You need to follow your cousin by going into the army and becoming an officer. Or take the college exam and go to school. Those are the paths to a bright future as a leading member of society. Yuan Sai first pointed to himself and then to Chen Bi. We, including him, are not engaged in lines of work that are on the up and up. We do what we do because we have no choice. But you, you’re still young, so don’t follow in our footsteps.

No, my cousin insisted stubbornly, you’re the ones with real skills and abilities. That’s not the case with the army or college.

Good for you, young man. You think for yourself, that’s good. In the future, we can work together, Chen Bi said.

Where’s Wang Gan? I asked Wuguan.

I’ll bet you anything he’s posted himself at the health centre.

That guy’s possessed, Chen Bi said. A team of horses couldn’t pull him away from it.

The problem is his house, Yuan Sai said mysteriously. The front door is in the wrong place, so is the toilet. I told your father-in-law more than a decade ago that he had to make changes to his front door and to move the toilet; if not, someone in his family would go batty. He thought I was putting a curse on him and picked up a whip to use on me. So what happened? What I warned against came true. Every chance he gets he picks up a cane, bends at the waist, and goes to the health centre to put on a shameless act. If that isn’t batty, I’d like to know what is. Wang Gan’s no better, a farmer with petty bourgeois ideas who’s gone gaga over that pimply Little Lion. In other words, batty.

All right, everyone, forget Yuan Sai’s eyewash and come inside, I said. Come inside, all of you.

The feng shui of our commune is no good, either, Yuan Sai said. Since olden days, the yamen, the official residence, has always faced south. But the gate of our commune faces north, and is directly opposite the slaughterhouse, where knives go in clean and come out red all day long, with blood and guts everywhere, and a grisly atmosphere. When I went to complain they accused me of propagating feudal superstitions and barely fell short of locking me up. So what happened? The old Party Secretary Qin Shan suffered a paralytic stroke and his brother, Qin He, has been crazy for years. When Qin’s replacement, Secretary Qiu, took a dozen people down south on an inspection tour, there was a traffic accident that killed or injured every one of them. Feng shui is of vast importance. No matter how unyielding a fate you have, it’s never greater than that of the Emperor, and not even he is immune to the power of feng shui.

Take your seat, I said again as I gave Yuan Sai a tap on the shoulder. Feng shui is important, good master, but so are eating and drinking.

If they don’t do something about the commune main gate, more people will go batty, and more major incidents will occur. You can believe me or not, Yuan Sai said. It’s up to you.

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