Fool’s Quest

“Of course!” He sounded hearty. I peered past Spark to see Lord Gray sitting at his table. Motley was there, among an assortment of small items. I guessed at the game they’d been playing. I was glad at how quickly he’d recovered his spirits and miserable that I would soon destroy his cheerfulness. But I had no choice.

No sooner was the door closed behind me than he demanded, “How soon do we leave?”

Just say it. “I leave in three days.”

“I’ll be ready.”

“I can’t take you with me.”

He cocked his head at me. Shock was replaced with a desperate smile. “And yet well you know you cannot find the way there without me.”

“I can.” I stepped around Spark and moved toward the table. I drew out the other chair and sat down opposite him. He opened his mouth. “No,” I said firmly. “Hear me out. I can’t take you, Fool. I make the first part of my journey by the stones, using the same ones that Bee did. I dare not try to take you through with me—”

“I dare!” he declared over the top of my words, but I kept speaking.

“You are still healing. It’s not just your body that needs time, as well we both know. It’s best you take that time here at Buckkeep, where you are warm, safe, and fed, among friends. It’s my hope that as your health improves, the King’s Own Coterie can attempt a fuller Skill-healing, perhaps even restore your vision. I know it must sound harsh to you, but if I try to take you with me, it will slow me down and may well kill you.”

The crow and the serving girl regarded me with hard, bright eyes. The Fool was breathing hard through his nose, as if he’d just climbed a towerful of stairs. His hands gripped the edge of the table. “You mean it,” he said in a shaking voice. “You’re leaving me here. I hear it in your voice.”

I drew a deep breath. “If I could, Fool, I would—”

“But you can. You can! Take the risk! Take all the risks! So we die in a stone, or on a ship, or at Clerres. So we die, and it ends. We die together.”

“Fool, I—”

“She wasn’t only your child! She was the hope of the world. And she was mine, and I only ever touched her for one brief moment! Why can you imagine I’d hesitate to risk my life for the chance to avenge her? To bring all Clerres crashing down around their ears! What, do you imagine I’ll sit here and drink tea and chat with Kettricken while you go off without me? Fitz! Fitz! You can’t do this to me! You can’t!”

His voice had risen and he shouted the last words at me, as if shouting would somehow change the logic of my decision. When he paused to draw breath, we all heard the knocking at the door. The cadence indicated it had been going on for some time.

“Take care of that!” the Fool snapped at Spark.

With a pale face and folded lips, she did as she was ordered. The Fool sat across from me, his chest heaving. I sat still and silent, not listening to the words at the door. Spark closed it and came to the table bearing a tray. “Someone sent food for this room.”

“I thought we might discuss this over dinner. I’d hoped to learn more that might help me.”

Spark set the tray down between us with a sharp clack. The savory fragrance of seared meat seemed to come from some other world where such pleasures mattered.

Watching the Fool’s anger build was almost terrifying. It seemed to come up from somewhere deep in his chest. I saw his chest swell and his shoulders bunch. His hands clenched and the tendons in his throat stood out. I knew what he was going to do an instant before he did it, but I made no move as he seized the sides of the tray of food and wine and upended it toward me. The gravy was hot and a wineglass bounced from my brow before dumping its contents in my lap. It fell to the floor with a soft chime of impact and then rolled in a half-circle.

Spark gasped. The crow uttered a harsh “ha, ha, ha!” before opening her wings and hopping from the table to the floor. Without hesitation, she began to sort through the food. I lifted my eyes from her to the Fool’s frozen countenance. “More that might help you? More that might help you to leave me behind here? You will hear nothing more from me. Get out. Get out!”

I rose. There had been linen napkins with the tray of food. I took one and wiped most of the food from my chest and lap. I folded the mess into it and set it quietly on the table. I spoke. I knew I should not, I knew it, and yet the words came out of my mouth. “And this is yet another reason I cannot take you with me. You have lost all control of yourself, Fool. I came to tell you that I’m going alone. I did that. Good night.”

And I left him there, with the crow eating and Spark weeping noisily enough for all of us.