Flashman And The Tiger

I’m rather a connoisseur of photography, and there was a quality about the present specimen which took my attention at once. It may have been the opulence of the setting, or the delicacy of the hand-colouring, or the careful composition which had placed two gigantic blackamoors with loincloths and scimitars among the potted palms, or the playful inclusion of the parakeet and tiny monkey on either side of the oriental couch on which lounged a lovely odalisque clad only in gold turban and ankle-fetters, her slender body arched to promote jutting young bumpers which plainly needed no support, her lips parted in a sneer which promised unimaginable depravities. A caption read "La Petite Caprice" ; well, it was a change from Frou-Frou … I tore my eyes away from the potted palms, a mite puzzled. As I’ve said, Blowitz had put me in the way of Society gallops, but never a professional.

"Très appétissante, non?" says he.

I tossed it back to him. "Which convent is she advertising?"

He clucked indignantly. "She is not what you suppose! This is a theatrical picture, made when she was employed at the Folies—from necessity, let me tell you, to finance her studies—serious studies! Such pictures are de rigueur for a Folies comedienne."

"Well, I could see she hated posing for it—"

"Would it surprise you," says he severely, "to learn that she is a trained criminologist, speaks fluently four languages, rides, fences and shoots, and is a valued member of the département secret of the Ministry of the Interior, at present in our Berlin Embassy … where I was influential in placing her? Ah, you stare! Do I interest you, my friend?"

"She might, if she was on hand. But since she ain’t, and posing for lewd pictures belies her stainless purity—"

"Did I say that? No, no, my boy. She is no demi-mondaine, la belle Caprice, but she is … a woman of the world, let us say. That is why she is in Berlin."

"And what’s she to do with this small affair after my own heart to our mutual advantage?"

He sat back, lacing his tubby fingers across his pot. "As I recall, you were at one time intimate with the German Chancellor, Prince Bismarck, but that you hold him in no affection—"

I choked on my brandy. "Thank’ee for the dinner and the Legion of Honour, old Blow," says I, preparing to rise. "I don’t know where you’re leading, but if it’s to do with him, I can tell you that I wouldn’t go near the square-headed bastard with the whole Household Brigade—"

"But, my friend, be calm, I beg! Resume the seat, if you please! It is not necessary that you … go near his highness! No such thing … he figures only, how shall I say—at a distance?"

"That’s too bloody close!" I assured him, but he protested that I must hear him out; our destinies were linked, he insisted, and he would not dream of a proposal distasteful to me, death of his life—quite the reverse, indeed. So I sat down, and put myself right with a brandy; mention of Bismarck always unmans me, but the fact was I was curious, not least about the delectable Mamselle Caprice.

"Eh bien," says Blowitz, and leaned forward, plainly bursting to unfold his mystery. "You are aware that in a few weeks' time a great conference is to take place at Berlin, of all the Powers, to amend this ridiculous Treaty of San Stefano made by Russia and Turkey?" I must have looked blank, for he blew out his cheeks. "At least you know they have recently been at war in the Balkans?"

"Absolutely," says I. "There was talk of us having a second Crimea with the moujiks, but I gather that’s blown over. As for … San Stefano, did you say? Greek to me, old son."

He shook his head in despair. "You have heard of the Big Bulgaria, surely?"

"Not even of the little ’un."

He seemed ready to weep. "Or the Sanjak of Novi Bazar?"

"Watch your tongue, if you please. We’re in a public place."

"Incroyable!" He threw up his hands. "And it is an educated Englishman, this, widely travelled and of a military reputation! Europe may hang on the brink of catastrophe, and you …" He smote his fat forehead. "My dear ’Arree, will you tell me, then, what events of news you have remarked of late?"

"Well, let’s see … our income tax went up tuppence … baccy and dog licences, too … some woman or other has sailed round the world in a yacht …" He was going pink, so just to give him his money’s worth I added: "Elspeth’s bought one of these phonographs that are all the rage … oh, aye, and Gilbert and Sullivan have a new piece, and dam' good, too; the jolliest tunes. `I am an Englishman, be-hold me!' … as you were just saying—"[3]

"Enough!" He breathed heavily. "I see I must undertake your political education sur-le-champ. Gilbert and Sullivan, mon dieu!"

And since he did, and I’ll lay odds that you, dear reader, know no more about Big Bulgaria and t’other thing than I did, I’ll set it out as briefly as can be. It’s a hellish bore, like all diplomaticking, but you’d best hear about it—and then you can hold your own with the wiseacres at the club or tea-table.