Felix The Railway Cat

The Alhambra is a Grade II-listed building, named after the Alhambra Palace in Granada, Spain. As that heritage suggests, it is a supremely grand edifice, with a domed turret supported by striking Corinthian columns. Inside, Paul, Dave and Felix could see that it was just as magnificent: the theatre was exquisitely adorned with highly decorated gold-and-ivory plasterwork curving below the balconies, elaborate boxes for the well-to-do theatregoers, and traditional scarlet seating in the stalls and circles. Felix was making her stage debut in a proper theatre with 1,456 seats.

The cast were already on stage when they walked in. There were handshakes all round, and then it was time for Felix to meet her new colleagues and compatriots.

Dave bent down and gently opened the door of the cat carrier. Felix – looking a little grumpy, as always, at her enforced imprisonment – emerged somewhat uncertainly, then stood on the stage, taking it all in. Her quizzical expression very evidently said: ‘Where on earth am I?’

It must have been confusing for her. For not only was the theatre itself a never-before-seen and rather glamorous landscape, but in her immediate vicinity, on the stage itself, was the set for the production. Rigsby’s living room had been recreated. Felix’s green gaze took in the centrally placed settee, the chairs, the scenery, the false walls … She looked back at Dave. ‘Where on earth am I?’ her confused look seemed to say once more.

There was only one way for her to find out. Let loose, Felix the railway cat started to explore. She wandered all over the stage, twisting between the legs of the chairs and tables, sniffing at all the props and the people and giving everything a thorough investigation. The theatre folk asked if it was OK to let her wander around and Dave reassured them confidently: ‘Yeah, let’s just leave her, she’ll be all right.’

The humans continued to talk; then Dave suddenly said, ‘Where’s she gone now?’

For Felix was thoroughly enjoying her adventure. Having given the ‘living room’ a comprehensive examination, she had now turned her attention to what went on behind the scenes. Flicking that fluffy black-and-white tail that had so enamoured the producers, she had disappeared off-set, weaving her way behind the scenery and the fake walls and figuring everything out in her super-smart way.

Only once she had completed her study of the entire set did she return centre stage and leap up onto the sofa – and onto the lap of the gentleman who was playing her owner. The cast gathered around, and with Felix positioned at the heart of the group the photographer stepped up and started snapping away. Just as she did at the station when the customers pulled out their camera phones, Felix posed and postured and vogued with all the swagger of a supermodel. Oh, she had a whale of a time! The actors made a great fuss of her. But in Felix’s opinion, of course, that was just as it should be. After all, she was their leading lady.

The photographer took a number of shots. Felix sat with all the cast behind her as the flashbulbs popped, looking for all the world like a feline West End star launching her latest theatrical triumph. She was as good as gold and every bit the professional.

Paul and Dave felt rather proud of her as they drove her back to Huddersfield later that day. Of course, to the station team she was already a pin-up and a poster girl, for snapshots of Felix from throughout her life decorated the staff noticeboards back at the station – just as much in pride of place as the formal school photographs of beloved offspring in houses up and down the country.

As for any parent, though, with the good comes the bad. A little later, pride in Felix wasn’t quite the emotion Paul was feeling. Owing to her bad begging habits, Felix, very occasionally, scoffed something that really didn’t agree with her system. And one day she’d evidently eaten something that she shouldn’t have. Rather than take herself off to any number of places that might have been more suitable, however, Felix chose to call on Paul.

He was sitting doing some paperwork at his desk. In strutted Felix and leapt up onto the wooden surface of the table. Paul had recently discovered that he was allergic to cats, after finding himself sneezing violently anytime Felix sat on his lap, so she rarely came into the station manager’s office these days. Paul looked at her enquiringly and wondered what she wanted.

What she wanted … was to vomit all over his desk. Then she neatly leapt down, and walked out.

Well, she was a diva. Paul could clear it up.

And he did.

22. It Must Be Love

Felix the railway cat was the queen of Huddersfield station, as regal as Queen Elizabeth II and as single as the Virgin Queen. Yet as 2013 drew on, it turned out that, like that red-haired beauty Elizabeth I, Felix attracted her own fair share of suitors.

‘Felix has got a boyfriend.’