Far and Away: Reporting from the Brink of Change

It took a while to comprehend that in England an education was often considered a pleasurable luxury rather than an ambition-driven necessity. I hadn’t understood how delicate a hold meritocracy had in a class-riven society. I didn’t know why so much food was boiled so long. Neither had I imagined the confidence that accrues to families that had lived and toiled on the same land for centuries; the elegant use of humor to half mask urgent sincerities; the whole country’s reassuring habit of permanence. I was amazed by how many of my favorite writers my English acquaintances had not read, and by how many of their favorite poets I had never heard of. We were indeed divided by a common language that was less common than I’d imagined. I loved the universal penetration of pomp and circumstance, and the novel belief that pleasure mattered as much as success. I loved the country’s bank holidays and tea breaks. I loved how religion was high-minded and ritualistic instead of judgmental and perpetually reinvented. I was struck by how much more steadfastly the English traveled; indeed, their more immersive model of exploring helped launch me on the course this book documents. I came to love England for other reasons than those that had made me a juvenile Anglophile.

When I finished my first postgraduate degree, I decided to stay in England for a while. I set about sending inquiry letters to publishing houses and magazines, and when my parents visited me that spring, I airily told them that I was looking for a job in London. My father was so angry that he banged his fist on the table of the pub in Grantchester where I’d announced my plans, silencing all the other patrons. He declared that he was forbidding it, and I told him that he was no longer in a position to forbid things. We all revolt against our parents, but it is striking to me in retrospect that I did so in relation to place.

Actually, I had chosen to stay partly to strengthen my bond with my new home and partly to assert that I could exist away from my old one. I was twenty-three, and gay, and preparing to come out of the closet (although I didn’t entirely know it yet), and I couldn’t do it in New York, where I felt sucked back into a vortex of expectations and assumptions. I needed to break free of America for breathing space—not to be myself, yet, but to figure out what self I was becoming. I confused, as many young people do, the glamour of being an outsider with the liberty to do or think whatever crossed my mind. It was not enough to acknowledge some newfound self; I would create a new persona and be famous for the radical imagination with which I did so. I sported outré clothing that I thought echoed some elegance of a bygone era; I used arch constructions of speech; I was socially promiscuous, accepting all invitations. This exercise in self-definition, though ultimately useful in the way of youthful misadventures, was often irksome to others. What I presumed to be originality often smacked of affectation. I was both presumptuous in expressing my new, English self, and hypocritical in cleaving to my native system of values. I disavowed my privilege and the autonomy it gave me, but I also discounted my turmoil. I manifested my confused sexuality via my ambiguous nationality.

Like many gay people of my time, I rooted myself in a chosen place and friendships. But as time passed, I came to realize that I had an amateur’s arrogance in my English friendships and had failed to understand that I had to be someone slightly different to succeed at them. I was charmed by how English my English friends were, and I assumed they would be delighted by how American I remained—but I had chosen to transplant myself and they had made no such choice. I deeply offended several people I loved. Perhaps those friendships would have foundered anyway; I was young, psychologically careless, and enmeshed in the solipsism of burgeoning depression; I also remained single while many old friends married, a difference of experience that made me feel uncomfortably marginal. Today, many of my closest friends are English people who live in New York or Americans who live in London. Displacement becomes a forgiving homeland, a thing held in common with others.