Far and Away: Reporting from the Brink of Change

I used to think that I was unusually reactive to the thinness of the air in a plane’s pressurized cabin. I cry on planes—at the movies I watch, the books I read, the letters and e-mails I attempt to answer. Those surges of emotion have a quality of abrupt intensity that is most often associated with substance abuse. Sometimes, it’s a good trip, and sometimes, a bad one; sometimes, the emotionality is thrilling, and sometimes, deeply distressing. For years, I presumed that this hypersensitivity was affiliated with other physiological effects of altitude, such as the diminished ability to distinguish flavors—a mercy on most airlines. I sought research that would reveal whether more or less blood was flowing to which areas of my brain, how my pulmonary capacity was compromised by the angle of ascent.

Now I’ve come to believe that departure simply makes me sad, whether it points to someplace I’ve always wanted to see or to the home I have missed. Though travel can intensify life, it also evokes dying. It is a detachment. I grow anxious at takeoff not because of the air pressure and not because the plane might crash, but because I feel myself dissolving. I was brought up to value safety more than comfort, and comfort more than courage, and have spent adulthood striving to invert that hierarchy. Rilke said, “We need, in love, to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily; we do not need to learn it.” As we climb above the clouds, I practice letting go of the place I’ve come from or the place I’ve gone. Though I am sustained in these departures by the prospect of arrival, separation always tugs me toward at least momentary regret. Even in that sorrow, however, I know that I failed fully to love home until I went repeatedly abroad and could not appreciate abroad until I had returned home time and again. Valediction is, at least for me, a precondition of intimacy.

USSR

The Winter Palettes

Harpers & Queen, 1988

I had often wondered why people who went to Russia seemed to become obsessed with it, and I learned why on my first assignment reporting from abroad, in 1988, when the British monthly Harpers & Queen sent me to the USSR to cover Sotheby’s groundbreaking sale of contemporary Soviet art. Three years later, I published an expanded account of the same events in Connoisseur. Here, I have combined the two articles, reflecting those experiences of exhilarating discovery—not only for me, but also for the artists involved—as our personal and political worlds collided. The encounter described in this article launched me on the path toward my first book, The Irony Tower: Soviet Artists in a Time of Glasnost.

“To Brezhnev!” said one of the artists. Since it was nearly sunrise and I was exhausted, I raised my glass of tea without quite registering the name. “To Brezhnev!” we all chorused, and downed our tea. Only then did it strike me as odd that, in the summer of 1988, we were toasting Brezhnev rather than Gorbachev. It must have been four in the morning, or perhaps five, and the conversation had degenerated; we had left behind Baudrillard and deconstructionism and postmodernism and were making jokes about Japanese tourists. The seven of us were crowded around a small table in a small room, all talking at once, and all greedily attacking the food that one of the artists had made, taking turns with the plates because there weren’t enough to go around. Then came this toast, after which someone observed that it had been a good evening of good talk, “just like in the days of Brezhnev.” I was too unfocused even to ask.

We left the interlinked studios on Furmanny Lane, located, ironically enough, upstairs from a school for the blind, at half past six. Dawn had come to Moscow, and the street seemed incredible. I had been there since eleven the previous morning, and it had taken on that quality of being the sole reality that inevitably comes of protracted debate and total exhaustion. We parted with those words once more: “To Brezhnev!” Then one of the artists reminded me, “Be at the station at noon today. We’ll see you then.”

I went back to the dubious opulence of my Western hotel. At eleven my alarm sounded like a bad joke, and I peevishly dragged myself out of bed and set off for the train station, wondering all the while what could have possessed me to make this appointment. When I got there, I saw some familiar avant-gardists and, discovering that I was glad to see them, ceased to curse the missed night’s sleep and remembered why I’d sat up so late in the first place.