DOCTOR IN CLOVER

'Gaston, you must do something.' She seemed almost in tears. 'It's Mum. Now she tells me I've got to marry Jimmy next month, and Sir Theodore's to give it out to the papers tonight. What on earth am I going to do?'

'I'm terribly sorry about it, Pet,' I apologized weakly, 'but I really don't see how I can possibly-'

'But, Gaston, you must. Oh, God, here's Mum again. See you on the set.'

I went back to my place with the nasty feeling that I'd let down poor old Petunia.

But she was an idiotic little girl to imagine I could ruffle the amorous intentions of a high-powered financial wizard like Hosegood. Besides, no scheme had occurred to me except eloping With her myself, and Miles would be chasing us all the way to Gretna. Then I noticed my plate was empty, with Jimmy Hosegood looking like a cat climbing out of an aviary.

'Good Lord!' I exclaimed. 'You didn't-?'

'The ginger tart,' mumbled Jimmy, 'Five hundred calories. What a fool!'

'Cheer up,' I told him, after he'd repeated this continually for several minutes. 'To err is not only human, but rather fun. Anyway, we'll get some of it off with a brisk walk down the corridor to Petunia's studio.'

'Studio?' He laid a hand on his waistcoat.

'I don't know if I'm well enough to get on my feet.'

It must have been a shock to his gastric mucosa, having a dish like that slung at it after weeks of fish and soda-water. But I was more interested at what went on inside the studio than what went on inside old Hosegood, and insisted he showed me the way.

'All right, Doctor,' he said, lumbering up.

'But by gum! I do feel queer.'

I'd often wondered how they set about making a film, the only one I'd seen being on the diagnosis of skin diseases in St Swithin's out-patients', which wasn't quite the same thing. We arrived at a door marked STAGE D, and went into a dim place the size of a cathedral filled with chaps sawing up bits of wood. The studio seemed to be lined with old sacks, was decorated only with notices telling people not to smoke or drop hammers on each other's head, neither of which anyone was paying any attention to. The floor was covered with an undergrowth of cables and copses of arc-lamps, there were chaps running about girders in the roof like Hornblower's sailors in the rigging, and there were other chaps pushing trolleys from one end to the other and back again with shouts of 'Mindcherbacspliz!' On the whole, I was rather disappointed. It reminded me of the St Swithin's operating theatre-the object of attention was illuminated with bright lights, it all seemed highly disorganized to the onlooker, there was nowhere to sit and rest your feet, and everyone not working was drinking cups of tea.

In the far corner was a typical night-club, except that it had no roof and all the guests in evening dress were reading the morning paper or knitting. In the middle stood Petunia talking to Quintin Finn, and pretty smashing she looked too, with her red hair glittering in the lights. Hosegood was meanwhile complaining he wanted to sit down, and noticing a canvas chair next to the camera with MELODY MADDER stencilled on the back I eased him into it.

'Right, children,' said Adam Stringfellow, who seemed to be a sort of referee, 'we're going now. Quiet, please.'

'Quiet!' yelled the two assistant directors, more young chaps with long hair who acted as linesmen.

Someone in the background went on hammering, sounding like a machine gun at a funeral.

'Quiet!' yelled all three directors. 'Ready, Melody?' asked Stringfellow. 'Take one, Action.'

Just at that moment I sneezed.

'Quiet!'

'Terribly sorry,' I apologized. 'Purely reflex action.'

'Quiet!'

'Speck of dust, I'm afraid.'

'Quiet!'

'Rather dusty places, these Studios.'

'For God's sake!' shouted Stringfellow. 'Can't you control yourself at your age? We'll go again. Stand by, everyone. Take two, Action.'

Hosegood hiccupped.

'Would you have the kindness to hiccup just a little more softly, Mr Hosegood?' asked Stringfellow. 'I fear it may inconvenience us by getting on the sound-track. Once again. Take three. Action.'

But Quintin Finn had some dandruff on his collar, and a chap with a whisk came to brush it off.

'Take four,' continued Stringfellow, now looking like Thomas Carlyle in the middle of one of his famous attacks of the sulks. 'This is only costing us a hundred and fifty quid a minute. All right, Melody? Action.'

'One second,' said Petunia's mum.

'Oh, God,' said Stringfellow.

'My daughter's hair's not right at the back.'

I began to feel sorry for the Stringfellow chap, even though he didn't understand the elements of nasal physiology.

'Make-up! Please fix Miss Madder's hair. At the back.'

They got ready to start again, and I was feeling pretty excited at seeing a real film being shot, when there was a shout from the back of 'Tea break!' and everyone knocked off for a cup and a bun.