Dirty Little Secrets

He said this like I knew nothing about him. Like I didn’t lie in bed in the dark some nights and picture him saying something just like that. I held my breath, hardly believing it was really happening, partly hoping it wasn’t. It was the perfect guy saying the perfect thing at the perfectly wrong time. “Anyway,” he continued, “we’re playing at a party tomorrow night down on Marina. If you’re not doing anything, you want to come by?”

Maybe it was the bright lights of the lobby after being in the dark theater, but the whole place seemed to start throbbing. “That would be cool,” I managed. I had to look down at the ground in order to actually say what had to come next. “But I, uh, don’t think I can make it.” Every fiber of my being was screaming “yes,” but I knew I couldn’t go. Pretending I was on a date with Josh Lee was one thing. Meeting him somewhere on purpose was another. Getting close to someone like him would just be way too risky.

He actually looked a little bummed, which made my heart skip. Either he was a better actor than I thought or this wasn’t completely a joke. “Got a date with someone else?” he asked, watching me out of the corner of his eye.

“Ha! No,” I said a little too quickly. “I mean, no. But . . .” God, I’d wished for this moment to happen since I first laid eyes on him, and now that he was asking me out, I was racking my brain for a good reason why I couldn’t go.

He must have seen my indecision. “We play pretty early if you have to be home.” He reached out with his pinky and curled it around mine, playful but secure. I stared at the spot where we touched, hardly able to believe any of this was real.

I looked into those big brown eyes, and against everything I knew I should do, I heard myself say, “Okay. I . . . I think I can make it.” It was going to be fine, I reasoned. Dating Josh Lee for real would be impossible. Hanging out one single night might be doable.

Josh grinned and squeezed my hand for the briefest second. “I can pick you up if you want.”

And there it was already. My whole body stiffened at the thought. I had to keep him away from the house no matter what. “Oh, no. That’s okay.” I tried to sound as casual as possible. “I’ll come with Kaylie. I’ll probably stay over at her house, anyway.” So much for no more sleepovers. I was sure Steve would be at the party too, which meant she’d be into it.

“Easier to tell your mom you’re at Kaylie’s than you’re out at a party?”

I swallowed hard. “Something like that. She’s, um, really religious and doesn’t let me go out much.”

Josh nodded like he understood. “Must be rough.”

“Yeah. Sometimes it is.” I nodded slowly and looked down at the floor so I couldn’t see his face.

That was the trouble with secrets—the lies you had to tell to keep them hidden almost made you feel worse than telling the truth.

Almost.

chapter 2

9:00 a.m.

After spending all night at Kaylie’s going over every detail, I stood at the bottom of our cracked cement walkway the next morning, the ache in my stomach starting the minute I saw Mom’s car in the driveway. She must have switched schedules with someone at work again. Just when I’d counted on her to be gone.

I really wanted to be alone to think about the party tonight—get it sorted in my head so I wouldn’t make any big mistakes, but if Mom was home, the hassling would start the minute I hit the front door. Kaylie was excited about the whole Steve and Josh double-dating angle and was going to spend the day figuring out what we were going to wear. It was hard not to get caught up in the excitement. Josh had asked me to come to a party. Me. To a party. Where his band was playing. Unbelievable.

Kaylie’s mom didn’t have to be to work until late, so she’d given me a ride home on the way. Like always, I waited until she had driven around the corner and was safely out of sight before I headed for the front door. Our little gray and white house really didn’t look that bad from out here. If you were paying attention, you could spot the black mold gathering along the edges of the living room windows and the way the curtains were pressed against the glass by stacks of boxes. Those were just small hints about what was really behind the shingled walls, but nobody on the outside ever noticed.

I kicked at the tufts of grass as I slowly made my way toward the porch. Even though Mom had to park the car in the driveway because of all the junk that filled the garage, from out here the house looked pretty normal.

All of our secrets started at the front door.

The TV was on too loud, as always, mercifully covering any noise I made as I came in. Standing on my tiptoes, I peeked into the living room over the tops of the newspaper piles and bags of junk that flooded every inch of open space in the house. Mom wasn’t in her usual spot in the vomit-green recliner, and the lady on television was trying to sell genuine synthetic sapphires to nobody. I let myself relax a little—maybe I could make it to the safety of my room without another confrontation.