Darcy and Fitzwilliam: A Tale of a Gentleman and an Officer

“Please, Cousin, I am desolate. You wound me until I bleed upon your fine carpet. Do you think me completely devoid of feeling or sensitivity?” Fitzwilliam did attempt to appear upset. “I am highly offended. If I thought you had at least one friend to serve as your second, I would call you out.”

Darcy threw him a sardonic look and poured himself a cup of coffee. “I have plenty of friends, dozens in fact.”

“Name six.”

“Well…Bingley, for one. He’s a tremendously fine fellow and likes me very much.”

“Bingley doesn’t count. He is notoriously indiscriminate, likes everyone, even me.”

“A lot you know.”

“Oh, very funny. Now, let us come back to all the lurid details, such as whether or not you were you able to perform all night.” Darcy threw a pen at Fitzwilliam’s head. “Terribly sorry, momentary relapse.” He puffed once or twice on his pipe and blinked innocently at his cousin. “So just where is this new missus of yours? Still gagged and tied to the bedposts? Drugged, perhaps?”

Darcy stared fixedly at Fitzwilliam. “If you must know, she is as far away from you as I could send her.” Darcy lifted the cup to his lips and sipped. “Is it any wonder that decent families hide their daughters from you?”

“I resent that, Darcy. I truly do.”

“Do you deny it?”

“No, of course not, but I truly, truly resent it—cuts dreadfully into my social life.”

“In actuality, she’s taking a walk.”

“In this weather?! Bah! You see, she has no sense. It is no wonder she was willing to marry you.”

“I told you she is very shy, and she’ll sort it out herself if you will but refrain from teasing her.”

“Say no more, say no more, my good man. Please, Darcy…” He shook his head. “I am the soul of discretion with the ladies—a gentleman always, as you well know.” The knock on the door brought in the requested breakfast tray.

“Capital. Very wise. Keeping up his stamina. Excellent.”

“Fitzwilliam!”

His cousin scrubbed his face with his hand, grinning continuously. “Sorry, I don’t know what gets into me around you. You’re just so damn easy to fluster.”

Shaking his head, Darcy abandoned any attempts to hide his own laughter and eagerly began his breakfast. Fitzwilliam reached over and swiftly grabbed a piece of ham and toast, his hand just missing being slapped away.

“May I offer you some breakfast?” Darcy asked sarcastically, his mouth full.

“Oh, Lord, no. Your exemplary Mrs. Reynolds was most obliging and provided me with no less than three breakfasts as I cooled my heels down here, plus coffee and cakes until I almost burst. I couldn’t eat another thing.” He reached over and grabbed a scone. “By the way, brat, I’ve just been visiting the Grande Dame herself, and she’s still spewing poison about the two of you. How long is this feud between you going to continue? She requires some guidance with that great old horror house of hers and was almost desperate enough to turn to me.” He leveled a gaze at his cousin, his eyebrows raised high into his forehead, an eloquent expression conveying how totally futile that would be. “I loath to admit this, but I am a complete imbecile when it comes to grand-manor types of things.”

“Don’t sell yourself so short, Fitz.” He shook an admonishing finger at his cousin. “Believe me, you’re a complete imbecile about a great many more things than that.”

“Very humorous, brat. Very droll. Seriously, is this war going to continue for a long time? You will be back in the immense bosom of our aunt by Easter, won’t you?” He lowered his voice to its sincerest depth. “Please, Darcy, have a heart. Stop thinking only of yourself…think of me.” He looked pathetic. “You know how I so hate having my own pleasures curtailed, and I would miss our annual pilgrimage of penance.” He grabbed for another piece of food, a fork just missing his hand.

“This war, as you aptly call it, was begun by Aunt Catherine, and it will need to be rectified by Aunt Catherine. As neither she nor my beloved mother saw fit to consider my feelings regarding marriage with Cousin Anne, I feel no remorse at disregarding her opinion about whom I did marry.” Darcy poured himself another cup of coffee, splashing it all over with his angry, jerky hand movements.

Fitzwilliam darted a glance at his irate cousin, all the while trying to get his own cup beneath the moving spout. “…Yes, well, as long as you keep a happy thought…” he mumbled.

Darcy slammed down the coffee pot. “No, I won’t let her abuse Elizabeth ever again. She doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment.” A smile softly crept into Darcy’s eyes, his lips twitching at their corners. “She is the kindest, sweetest, most delicate creature God ever created.” Darcy’s face had a faraway, glazed, and grinning expression, very similar to an empty-headed jack-o-lantern. It became too much for his cousin.

“Hold that thought for a moment, if you would, Darcy. Please. Could you pass that trash pail. No, not that one—the other—yes, the larger one. Yes, thank you. Why? Because I feel I’m going to throw up at any moment!”