Darcy and Fitzwilliam: A Tale of a Gentleman and an Officer

Fitzwilliam laughed while he turned the chair across from Darcy around and straddled it, happily accepting the coffee handed him by the butler. “Thank you very much, Winters. You are a prince among men. It is bloody freezing out there.” He turned his attention back to his cousin as he sipped the hot drink. “Well, I don’t mind lending my support for her escape as long as the peach tarts hold out.” He tilted his chair forward to clutch an uneaten sandwich from Darcy’s plate. “Perhaps you can provide us with some type of hoist.”

Darcy abruptly looked up from his paperwork. “You are excessively tardy, as if that surprises me. Never tell me you’ve been at Wellington’s all day? I thought it was only to be a breakfast meeting.”

“Yes, well, it started out that way, but as usual, the breakfast meeting stretched into a chatty luncheon visit. We wasted an awful lot of time as he shaved this morning. I think the man is part ape; in fact, I’d swear to it. I could see his beard growing while I ate my Jerusalem artichokes. Put me off my feed for a while, I can tell you.”

Darcy’s snort served as his opinion regarding that possibility when he belatedly pulled his now empty plate back from within his cousin’s reach.

“And how is his good wife?”

“An idiot. Say, Darcy…”

“I hate to admit that was my impression, also, poor dear. Still, she has some basis for her arrogance, you know, comes from very good stock, wonderful bloodlines. If she was a horse, I’d admire her fetlocks and the astoundingly broad fullness between her eyes. By the way, has he finished remodeling his new townhouse? I’d say he bit off a bit too much with that one. Good location, though, excellent for resale.”

“Who cares? I say, Darcy…”

“Bingley heard that he’s resigning his commission. Is that true? Smart move if he is. Mark my word, he’ll be prime minister one day.

“Gad! Can we forget about Wellington for one moment, please? Good Lord, he puts his little breeches on one leg at a time, just like you and I. Now, try to pay attention. I wanted to ask you about that woman who lives across St. James square. You know who I mean—the old beastie with the hairy mole on her chin—lives in that house across from Aunt Catherine.”

Darcy shivered in recollection. A ruder, more snobbish, social-climbing harridan did not exist in all of London. “Yes, she’s lived there for years—name is Pennwalt or Pensky or Petterson. She’s an absolute horror. What on earth would you want with that old woman?”

“Didn’t she have a son that died a few years back? On the Hamilton yacht wasn’t he… when it sank… or some such accident?” He settled his chin on his folded arms, surreptitiously eying leftover biscuits.

“Yes, I believe she did have a son who drowned, but not on the Hamilton boat.” Darcy didn’t bother to look up from his writing. “Sit up straight—you’re going to break the legs on that chair, lurching back and forth like that! It’s like having an elephant bouncing on a twig.” He slapped at his cousin’s hands. “And stop grabbing at my food, you thieving bastard.”

Fitzwilliam grunted. “You’re sounding more and more like Aunt Catherine, the older you get, did you know that? Even beginning to look a bit like her. What else do you know about the matter? I mean the hag’s son.”

Darcy returned to his figures. “I believe he was a baronet. He was on his way to confront a wayward wife who had left him and run off to America. His ship went down during a storm or at a blockade. I can’t remember which.”

“Well, I wonder who I saw, then. The woman I have seen coming and going in the square was certainly not a baronet’s wife. Dresses rather plainly, and now she accompanies a young girl. Mayhap she is a governess or teacher,” Fitzwilliam was muttering.

“What are you going on about?”

“The old tabby wouldn’t have perhaps produced a beautiful daughter somehow of which you are unaware.”

“She couldn’t produce a beautiful anything, if I’m thinking of the same person.” This interruption was causing Darcy to lose focus. Rubbing his forehead, he stared intently at his cousin. “I don’t suppose you would be interested in helping me with these accounts, seeing as you are just sitting there doing nothing but annoying me?”

“Help you with accounts?” Fitzwilliam let out a hoot of laughter. “That is rich, Darcy! Really, you have the most wonderful sense of humor!” Fitzwilliam chuckled casually as he shook his head.

After a moment, Fitzwilliam pressed on, once again disturbing the silence. “Do you know if she has any visitors at the present? The beast, I mean.”

With a resigned sigh, Darcy removed his spectacles, pinching his nose at the bridge. “Richard, I have no idea what goes on in this neighborhood. I can’t even direct my own household.” After replacing his glasses, he picked his pen back up and set to work again. “Ask Aunt Catherine if you require the latest on-dit.”